Getting yourself back after everything

[ColinButterfly]

I have been in a bit of a rut and I'd like to return to my old self. I had an emotionally abusive relationship which ended this year. Regrettably it ended because it turned out he was a cheating wankbadger, rather than me wising up to his abusive ways.

I was in a bit of a mess after the r/s ended in that way you are when that happens, but it seemed to run deeper than that. I ended up being diagnosed with depression but actually that had been going on before the r/s ended. Probably because the man I loved was emotionally abusing me (financially, name calling, controlling, suicide threats if I went out with my friends/family, upset I loved my nephew more than I loved him etc etc).

In the initial few months after the break up, I felt so free and I radiated happiness according to those around me. Then that kind of dropped off, at the 6 month mark, I realised this wasn't a holiday from my ex, this was my life, he wasn't coming back and I was sad about that.

I am now in a place where I accept the relationship was not compatible with my having a career, family, friends, mental health etc so I know things are better in so many ways.

I still however feel that I have a hangover of depression from the relationship. I've always been prone to a bit of melancholy but this is a whole new level. I'm sensitive to criticism these days and my emotions feel on edge. I'm very up and down.

The biggest thing is that I just don't feel myself I guess. I know I won't be the same as I was before this r/s. I feel I'm not as sharp as I was and I've lost my spark I guess. I'm not fulfilling my potential at work - I'm doing enough to get by, but as I'm in academia, that's not ideal! I also probably am a bit lost - ex was such a manchild, you can't believe the extra time in the day I have for myself. I'm shocked & ashamed that such a large portion of my brain has been allocated to him. Loving him, looking after him etc and that's redundant and it's wrong of me to have allowed that to happen.

If anyone has any ideas about what I can do to find my former self, that would be grand.

Well, you can stop beating yourself up for a start. It is not your fault you were in an abusive relationship. If it were that easy to spot and get out of it wouldn't be so depressingly common. We are taught to work at relationships, to compromise, to consider the other partner's happiness, and that is a good thing when reciprocated. It is just a pity that certain people take advantage. They suck up all the love, understanding, patience, compromise, and demand more, more, more. Your virtue became your weakness.

Of course you miss him too; there would have been good bits (otherwise you would have been out of there a whole lot sooner), and one misses just having someone there at the end of the day to share things with. It's easy to forget that although you could share things sometimes, other times you would be walking on eggshells wondering what you'd done wrong this time and what you could do to put it right. This is how the emotionally abusive bastard partner keeps you in the habit of always thinking about them, having to put them first. And now you are feeling at a bit of a loose end, like ex-smokers missing something to hold between their fingers. It will take a while to school yourself into different habits.

I empathise completely with what you describe... that initial euphoria of freedom and adrenaline followed by a massive downer as it all wears off and there's that horrible self-reproaching after-taste of 'why did I tolerate that amount of crap for so long?!!' It's rather like being the stooge in a stage hypnotist act. You're not sure why you ran around pretending to be a chicken and it seemed OK at the time but, oh boy, you wish you could turn the clock back.

I don't think you can find your former self exactly because we are all a product of our experiences and we can't turn back the clock. If those experiences are preventing you from getting on with a normal life, you could benefit from some counselling to help you understand the dynamic and why it wasn't your fault or a question of 'allowing' the abuse. I can't tell if you're male or female but, for women, there is the 'Freedom Programme' for example. Other than that I'd say make a few plans. If opportunities come up to travel or have new experiences, take them. Be open to new stuff. Take a few risks. Do things your ex would have hated. Stay busy and fill your days..

A loose end is exactly it annie.

I've taken up new hobbies and doing things my ex hated - very easy since some days I think even me breathing did his head in. I'm returning to counselling after a break. I just felt like I was whinging about him and it was counterproductive and not going anywhere. Now I have a task to pull
myself out of this rut so I'm going back now. I don't want my ex to have ruined me so I have to turn it around.

I read the Freedom Programme book (I am female btw) while in the relationship, as my counsellor lent it to me. (It's amazing by the way).

I'm pleased to hear that euphoria/comedown is par for the course cogito. I've been so confused that I was doing GREAT and then had a relapse.

It took me over a year to finally feel 'sharp' again. All the bits of yourself that you put in a drawer, or sacrifice, or compromise, they don't change overnight.
What helped me was seeing ex ea p as a collection of symptoms/tendencies that he couldn't help but that were unhealthy for me. I did lots of research on narcissism and this helped a lot. I felt no responsibility for him and it freed me to start to remember where i put myself.
I did something for me (an exhibition,ex didn't rate me and i hadn't done any work since i met him) and the positive feedback was a balm. It made me see myself as a person in my own right, that people saw me and even thought i was pretty good at something.

And detach detach detach. No facebook, no texts.

It really does get better and the world is a lovely place now. I have lots of friends now, people who held back because he blocked their view of me. As one friend said to me 'the journey is much more enjoyable when you're the one doing the driving'.

I second what cognito says- get a calendar/diary and put some activities in it to look forward to, maybe scare you a little but that are tangible evidence that you're moving forward.

" I've been so confused that I was doing GREAT and then had a relapse."

I'll tell you a funny story. I'm nearly 20 years on from my exit from an EA relationship, have stayed single since, done pretty well for myself, acquired a DS etc... and my DM (early stage Alzheimers so can't judge her too harshly) said to me wistfully the other day 'Why couldn't you have found a rich husband? Then you wouldn't have had to struggle so much'. POP!.. went my 'doing great balloon'. But I rallied. :)

Life is a series of ups and downs. Get help if the downs are too deep or upsetting ... but, on the flip-side, when you're on an up, you will REALLY appreciate it.

You're doing great: you left, you're curious about what went wrong so that you can learn from it, you're continuing counselling, reading the right kind of books, filling your time with fulfilling activities that you want to do...

You're on the right track, OP. It's not instantaneous, but you will feel better and better. And as Cogito says, life is full of ups and downs, and there will always be some more downs along the way. The thing is, you are clearly the kind of person who can cope, and pick herself up, and keep doing better and better.

I think you can be proud of yourself.

Hi Colin

So sorry your feeling this way, you mention depression and melancholy, Freud wrote that melancholy stemmed from grief or a loss, and this can take many forms as we all know.

I flinch when people are diagnosed with depression because it doesn't explain anything to be honest it's just an umbrella term used by health professionals who really have not got time to look closely enough in to what's gone on for you.

Now if you could be diagnosed with thatfuckertreatedmelikeshit
And it might take a while to get through this for me, you might be a bit kinder to yourself a bit more patient and accept that this is more than likely a grieving period.

You've spent 6 yrs in a relationship where you probably acted fairly was kind and considerate, and in turn you got nothing of the sort back, this is a real kick in the teeth and knocks you to your core.
It takes time to re group and recover, you will come through this but worrying about it won't hurry it along, I think you might benefit from some counselling, just to re set your boundaries and reconnect with your instincts.

So sorry your going through this, scouts honour you will start to feel better, but it's not something you can rush.

Nothing to add, except that I am following this thread because I could have written the OP.

Chin up Colin

Thankyou so much for your responses, it really helps to talk things through here. I really do appreciate the encouragement.Nora I'm especially sorry you're feeling this way.

I agree with your diagnosis guilty and the depressive symptoms are certainly a result of that. My job doesn't help either, so no wonder I feel like this.

I have been n/c with the fucker since June now. I feel an odd combination of relief and sadness at that.