I don't know how to ask for help... feel so alone

[ScrewedUpJune]

Hey everyone. I've not done this before but I'm so unhappy and I just need to share to see if I'm not being.... stupid/negative/fuck-knows-what

Scenario is that I split up with the father of my child in February. I discovered that over our 13-year relationship he - the person I thought was the love of my life - was sleeping with prostitutes and had numerous affairs.

I did what I thought was the right thing. I went to relate with him, I tried to understand - the affair at least and accepted my role in it. NOT the prostitutes (I found that out later).

Three years of trying (after discovery of it all ) and I was still so utterly miserable that I went back to counselling (I asked him to come too but he said it was my problem so I should go alone). A bad sign I know.

Well I had a lot of counselling and it did give me the strentgth to leave. I lived with him for six months after separating and while the house sold and now I have my own flat and that is great. The co-parenting is working like a dream. My son is happier than he has ever been.

Just to add to it - to let you all know - he was emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive. And I believed my press so my confidence is very low. The name calling has been hideous!

But I now feel so alone. It feels like all the great friends that supported me through the really bad times (ie living with him etc) think I should be over it. And nobody phones... God, is that awful to expect them to? Plus there have been some school couples nights out and I wasn't invited.

It is beginning to feel like the start of a new hell. I know I should see this as the new chapter and what I wanted but it feels like it's got worse.

Is it normal for it to get worse before it gets better?

I'm sorry for waffling..

Screwed - I didn't want to read and run, but I think you should view this as the start of a new chapter in your life. Keep your old friends, by all means, but don't drag all of the past with you - it'll be an albatross around your neck. It sounds a pretty horrendous thing to have escaped from.

Start to think about what you want out of life - maybe some evening classes, start going to the gym, get a dog or a cat or a goldfish! Whatever you need to do to move on.

...and why don't you call your friends? They may not know how you feel. They may think you've gone off them as you've sat by the phone waiting for them to call you!

Good Luck and keep posting

Hi SUJ
Sorry you are feeling like this, you are not alone.
I can identify with how you are feeling.. I was with exh same length of time although different circs for split.
Following such a long relationship, 10 months is not a lot of time to process everything that has happened to you and as we have to keep going with everyday stuff, looking after child/running household etc. I also felt so strong at the time I filed for divorce, stronger than ever, but have recently had a slump thinking, what the hell... i think perhaps it is just an adjustment, try not to panic but "go with it" accept your emotions and ride with them. I hope i am making some sense, you are not screwed up, you are normal. If it gets too much could you seek counselling/CBT?
Long term you know you have done the right thing, but the EA/name calling is hideous, I know. Be kind to yourself...

The adrenaline of the past has worn off, and you've slumped.

Happens to us all. Now is the time for you to look at your life, see what you love, what you enjoy, what is your bliss and make more of it.

It's natural to feel a little lost, but you'll find your way! Look at your boy, he's blossoming, and that's down to your bravery and determination to find a better life.

You did that! Well done! :)

You are feeling like you are in a new hell because you feel alone? Is that right?

Do you mean you are alone, as in single? Or do you mean you feel lonely?

I think it does take some adjusting to when you are newly single, but it doesn't mean that you have to feel lonely. Get out there girl! Ring your friends, make some new ones. Do some stuff that you enjoy, try some new things. Look for opportunities to connect - ask people for a coffee, get involved in something.

Thank you for not reading and running. I have signed up for an evening class in January. I'm really excited about it - it is the first thing I've done for ME for as long as I can remember.

And you're right... I should call my friends. If I'm honest it's all new to me because I was never really allowed to call them (I was watched/monitored) So it's new to me to have access to a phone to phone people!

And I admit I just got a kick in the teeth when EVERY other parent was invited for the Christmas night out except me.. I was told it was a couples thing and I might feel uncomfortable! No joke - only single parent in the class soooo who really feels uncomfortable?.

wow I'm so sorry to hear that, how awful :-( You've definitely done the right thing and I agree with Ishouldcocoa start looking for new things to get involved in and excited about, and invite your friends along to something thats coming up, it'll give you something more positive to focus on. It's easy to be dragged down by all that awful history, definitely get some counselling to help build your confidence and have some support. go get em tiger! xxxxx

Maomstripes (I don't know how to bold - am a numpty) = yes, maybe I have tried to be strong for so long that now I'm just tired of trying.

I have just started pyschotherapy and to be honest that is both amazing and a total headfuck.

I feel I'm at an angry stage. Angry with my ex that he has truly fucked my perception and understanding of relationships and men. I never wanted that or planned that/this. I was in it for life - as a mother and a partner and now I have neither label and don't know who to be?

You haven't tried to be strong, you ARE strong, remember that. Does sound like the adrenaline is wearing off and you are now REALLy coming to terms? it is tiring!! all the emotions, doubting, re-living, thinking, it is easy to get lost in it all. Its normal to be angry, you know what, I am only getting angry now.. 4 yrs since split wtf!! there are all different stages and you will probably go back and forth between them until it levels out,, No-one wants or plans it.. its life.. why dont you feel you have mother label? you dont have partner label now but may in the future?
thats great re pyschotherapy, stick with it.

Maoamstripes - He's told me I'm a terrible mother for leaving! He has told me that I have fucked our child's future for leaving. One of the reasons I left was because our relationship was such a BAD example/blueprint. If I'm honest (and it's due to pyschotherapy) I don't want my son to end up as fucked up his dad!!

BUT he has told me that we should stay together till my son was 18.
(A friend said: that means you've split up you just can't leave for 13 years!)

He told me my son's academic ability was dependent on me staying. He has sooooo much more money than me that when my son is with him it IS AMAZING and the best times of his life. He tells him mummy ONLY works TWO days a week (it is 12-hr nights ) when Daddy works FOUR (12-hr nights).

My ex left me with NOTHING. I moved into my flat with nothing. I bought a bed for my son, clothes, uniform for school and have been sleeping on the floor for months because I can't afford a bed. We don't have a TV. But DAD has two TVs, TWO computers and every bang fuck and whistle!

He is trying to buy my son!

Shit, I'm waffliing again. I'm out of that shitty relationship and the truth is I'm slowly accepting I have to deal with this fuckwit for the rest of my life.....

I know that being a mum is not a money thing but shit if I'm honest it is a hard battle to fight!

X

you are a good mother for leaving. Of course he will say that, he is losing control! you have broken free!
what planet is he on? you son would not want his mum to be unhappy and it could be the case he could have turned around to you one day and said, "why didn't you leave him"..
academic ability.. what cr*p frankly. regarding the hours you work, he is bitter and resentful.
The more you detach from him the better.. you will learn coping mechanisms when you come in contact with him.
I am really hoping you can get a bed and tv soon, for your own comfort..

You've done so well getting out. I'm sure if you keep an eye on free cycle you could easily come by a TV or bed.

Your ex might try and buy your son - is he paying maintenance? I teach and the kids are not daft only last week I heard one kid saying he wasn't going to bother with his dad any more - he followed that comment up with something about his dad just being useful for buying him stuff.

June, I am just past ten months out of my marriage which was also hideous, and I am also at the angry stage. I also feel like it is relentless in so far as he won't let go and has everything sorted to suit him, and I am struggling to make things work. I know I could not have carried on in the relationship, but it does take a long time to process and sort out.

The not being invited to a couples night is hideous, too, that will not make you feel better. You are doing the right thing with the evening class (you have just reminded me that I want to learn to ice skate!), and I think yes, pick up the phone to a friend who you trust and know well and tell her how you feel. Think about who you want to spend time with and make steps to get coffee/lunch into your diary. It is hard when you have not been allowed to have a social life to make the steps, but it is part of getting your own life back.

Your son will not end up fucked up because you have done the right thing and he has one parent who is level and grounded and is not trying to buy him, but be there for him.

By the way, when my first husband left (yes, I have done it twice), he took the TV, we did not have a TV till she was seven, while her dad has every gadget going, she is quite well-adjusted and balanced and an avid reader.

'She' being my DD in the last paragraph

I agree with the poster who said you have slumped now the adrenaline has worn off. It will get better. I too divorced my long-term spouse after finding out first that he had had one affair, then two, then that he had been cheating throughout our marriage. I think it's normal to feel lonely sometimes when you are used to having someone around, however horrible. I promise you those times will get less and less as you start to fill your life up with other things (and I don't mean men!).

I am much happier now than when I was always failing to come up to scratch. You and your children will be happier too and ignore any of the crap about damaging your children academically or otherwise. It is just that, from a man who now can't hurt you any other way.

It is rubbish that the school thing was so coupley. I go to to all my school things on my own, most are in couples, but some are not and it doesn't bother me either way. One thing which really helped though was deciding to make new friends not linked to my past in any way. It's great that you have an evening class coming up in the New Year. I'd encourage you to look at anything else which might make new friends and contacts of all kinds - book club, meet up.com, charity work (esp. when your ex has the children).

Also think about things you like to do when you are at home so you are not sitting with just the TV in the evenings when the children go to bed. Are there local crafting classes for example where you can meet people and have projects to work on at home and then phone them up to chat about ideas and progress?

It takes time but you will build a whole new group of friends not based around couples who are with you solely because they like you and you will be happy and complete.