Asked alcoholic partner to leave - but what about Christmas :-(

[Jenns84]

Hi, this is the first time I've posted here, I'm just looking for some words of advice really. I have been with my partner for 9 years - I have an almost 3 year old little boy, and am also 3 months pregnant with our second. My partner is an alcoholic - he doesn't drink every day, and is self employed, and does well, but it's a cycle and nothing has changed over the years - he has tried AA but gave it up as found the religious side put him off - he is always apologetic after drinking, I know he regrets it, but doesn't do anything to change and of course it always happens again after a few days/weeks. I know there are many many options out there if he really made the effort to get help but I think that because I always forgive him and let him stay he has never found enough reason to change for good. It's having an affect on my health ( I got so stressed earlier this year, I have been diagnosed with epilepsy after having seizures) I can't drive because of this, and even though I've had awful morning sickness recently he doesn't help me at all. When he drinks I am abandoned, and I don't want to live like this anymore. I am also very aware of the effect it can have on children, and don't want my little boy growing up thinking this is normal. Recently, my partner has changed from being a fairly harmless, but useless drunk, to actually being quite nasty and verbally abusive when he is drunk. ANYWAY, after this last episode of drinking (he disappeared for a few days, appearing every now and again half cut - also I had to miss my work christmas party as he was AWOL) I have finally found the courage to ask him to leave the house. He has spent a few days staying with friends but still coming back to get changed etc. and now today, he has taken his things and gone to his parents. I feel so sad, and guilty, and after all this rambling the main thing I am deliberating about is Christmas. we have a holiday booked with a few other members of my family, to go skiing for 5 days over christmas. I know that he was looking forward to it so much, and I feel, out of guilt/pity/love/I don't know what, that I should let him come along. On the other hand, what sort of message does that send - I don't think he would take me seriously. I am finding it hard to find the strength, I feel so sad for him, I know he will be devastated not to spend christmas with his little boy. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Also, thanks to anyone who made it to the end of my essay!!!

I was in the same boat as you 2 years ago. We've been separated 2 years now and life is much better without an alcoholic in my life. Don't look back!

You've been on your own in the relationship for a long time anyway, so you're used to coping without him. How would you feel if you took him along and he ruined the holiday by being drunk etc? Yet again, you'd end up feeling guilty....
Don't take him.

Hi Jenns
I was in your position last November although he was the one to make the break telling me he didn't love me anymore after 15 years together.

He said he wanted to stay for 1 last family Christmas day...he was pissed by 2pm because I refused to police his family get together cover story for a drinking session and then spent the rest of the day in bed

Do not for one second think that he will consider your feelings on any issue once you seperate..alcoholics don't function that way. Do whatever gets you through Christmas. After living with your DP for 9 years you will have forgotten how to put yourself first: now is the time to park all that guilt that he has nurtured in you and plan a wonderful stress free holiday for you and your DS.

I am 9 months post split...my only regret is i didn't take the advice of wise mnetters at the time and tell him to shove off the day he muttered that cliched phrase.

Good luck with your new life and a stress free pregnancy xx

Hey I'm struggling with the same, my other half is an alcoholic i've tried to help him for at least 8 of our 12 year relationship and he's only just given up drink since i've left him. You can't help him he has to do it for himself.

You will probably have a much lovelier holiday if he doesn't come... Have you told your little one? I'm trying to work out whether to do it before or after christmas... it's so hard, you have to start looking after your self and your babies
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Let's face it. If he comes on the holiday one of two scenarios is possible:

a)he spends his time making Christmas special for each one of you, he joins you for family carols round the tree and you all have a jolly time

b) he spends his time getting shitfaced crashes in sideways through the door, shouting 'aarrrggg grrofff ssssalll bssstrdss fuckem' knocks the tree over and falls face down in the dinner

Having experienced ONE Christmas on a jolly family holiday we'd all been looking forward to with a well meaning when sober but nasty when drunk in law. My money would be on answer b.

Do the right thing op. protect your children's Christmas.

Don't take him. Put yourself first for a change (fuck knows he's not been putting you first) and use the time to clear your head.

Maybe (though dont hold your breath) not spending Christmas with his son will be a wake up call. But sadly, he'll only get help when he's ready.

Hey there

I have to say that being an alcoholic is an horrific label. Everyone would like to think it is a hobo type character who doesn't have a family that cares but lives on the streets and has a dog on a string.

The harsh reality is that there are many of us living out there with an alcoholic - they function, they pay the bills, they live a day-to-day life that is acceptable to the world.

DO NOT feel guilty for wanting to change this. BUT you cannot change it without that person wanting to change it. The nature of an alcoholic is that they don't think they have a problem and you WILL not be able to convince them that they do.

The big answer is YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME
BUT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF THIS. HE CAN TOO BUT HE ISN"T

So leave him behind and enjoy your holiday without stress!

Please don't inflict him on your family, the worry about him will ruin the holiday. Alcohol + low temperature + snow = lethal.

Focus the 'guilt/pity/love' on your family including your son, and make the right choices for them.

I would take him with you, he was alcoholic when you booked it. I'm sure your child would want him there. It's not like taking him sends the wrong message regards your relationship, He has moved himself out.

The 3cs of alcoholism are indeed ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Note all of that, because you've tried and what you have tried has simply not worked. It is simply because he wants to stay a drunkard, he does not want your help or anyone's help. You are too close anyway to the situation be of any real use to him.

If he has indeed gone I would make sure he would stay gone as well now. Stay separated, you will ultimately thank yourself for doing so.

You have played out all the usual roles here that non alcoholic partners of alcoholics do ie carried, excused and enabled him now for too many years; time to put yourself and your children now first for a change. You also sound like you have very real co-dependency issues (hence the comments re Christmas and how he has so looked forward to this holiday) which is not surprising really given that this often occurs in such dysfunctional relationships where alcoholism is a factor. He has affected your day to day life to its real detriment and has caused you to feel real embarrassment and shame (for both you and he).

Your three year old and your as yet unborn second child do not need or warrant a drunkard for a father in their day to day lives; that will leave them with a whole host of emotional problems as adults. Also they will not thank you for staying with him if you chose to, they will hate you as well for putting him before them.

Does he feel at all guilty - no. Who is his primary relationship with - no Jenns not you or for that matter the children, its drink. His primary thoughts are about where the next drink is going to come from. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and alcoholism is a family disease. You cannot even begin to hope protecting your children from the realities of his alcoholism.

If you do go on holiday post Christmas go without him and take him off the booking. He will ruin both Christmas and your holiday otherwise. Life with an alcoholic is never anything other than a nightmare.

I would now talk to Al-anon and at the very least read their literature. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

You sound all over the place, OP.

This man is now your ex. No-one goes on holiday with their ex, even if they are not alcoholics. If he wants to, he can sort himself out and make his own special memories with your children. But that is in the future. He is not your responsibility. Make Christmas memories for you and your dc without a drunk around.

Both of my parents were alcoholics. Believe me, Christmas with drunks are not fun for children. And because you have split he will be worse, giving the full 'woe is me' routine. Don't do it to yourself.

Thanks so much for all your replies, it's overwhelmed me! (In a good way!) and thanks for all the advice. You're right, crunchypower he was an alcoholic when I booked it, and in a way I've been living this double life for so long - trying to carry on with a family life, hoping for some miracle and wanting to believe him, but having it fall apart every week or so when this happens :-(

I guess, now I've finally made a decision to do something, which took a lot of courage, I feel I need to stick to it, and not let him come with us. Even if he doesn't drink, he will think all is OK and he has gotten away with it again. Thank you all, seriously, your responses have made it much clearer to me - it's nice to feel some back-up to my decision - I'm so lost, I can't even tell what I feel right now!!!

ccsays - I hope it is a wake up call, but sadly, like you point out, I have to take the risk that it isn't :-( That's what stopped me for so long I suppose. But I realised if I don't do anything, nothing will change anyway, so I need to try.

Attilla, yep, I'm pretty sure I have some co-dependant behaviour, you're right there! I did read that book, which has helped me start to make changes, but I have a long way to go.

It's also nice to hear from you guys that have been there, thanks :-)

Dbls1: my little one hasn't asked where his dad is so far, but I am also wondering about what to say as I'm sure he will at some point. I want to be honest, but he is too young to understand, so I guess the most important thing to let him know is that his daddy loves him and we'll see him soon.

Thanks once again xxx