Trying to go no contact - Toxic mother will not leave me alone

[theeverydaydancer]

I basically decided to go NC in September with my toxic parents. I told my mum I need space and asked her to please respect this and not contact me while I dealt with my feelings. I had prior to this had several conversations with her about how her behaviour effects me.

Since NC, she has still contacted me - either via text asking if she can meet up, but also sending letters, emails and on one occasion turning up on my doorstep unannounced and waiting outside for about 45 minutes (I didn't let her in).

She keeps saying that she is puzzled by my behaviour, that this is just an outburst, that I have demons, that I have a monster inside me, that I am mentally unwell, that I am punishing my DD by not letting her see her grandparents, etc. She always denies things that have been said, things that have happened and my own feelings.

She says that I used to 'be nice' and that I'm not anymore, that I am abusive (I have never sworn or raised my voice at her I am just telling her how her behaviour makes me feel), she swears that we have always had a really close relationship - I absolutely don't feel that way.

She will not leave me alone. She does not listen to what I say. She actually completely creeps me out. I want to move away and never see her again. She is driving me mad!!!!

I don't know what to do or how to get through to her

Is it possible to move away?

You can't control how she acts, but you can control how you react to her. (Said by someone with no experience at all of your situation!)

Avoid it but expect it x and expect the blame x that is after all, why you are having to do it x don't seek to change her, change yourself and your responses to it all xxx

She is harrassing you, you can contact the police and she would get at the least a warning, I had to do this with my DM

Going no contact doesn't mean that they will instantly stop trying to contact you. After all, if she was the kind of person to listen to you, take account of your feelings and to treat you as an adult who has the right to make her own choices I suspect you'd never have decided to go no contact in the first place.

What going no contract is about is to change how you react to her. She sends you a text, you delete it without reading it. She calls you and you know it's her, you don't pick up. Or if you do and you realise who it is you put the phone down. She sends you a letter and you throw it away.

Going no contact is not about getting her to change. It's about protecting yourself from her.

My MIL did similar - if you are determined to go NC then do not engage at all - ignore texts, emails etc. If you are still interacting with her in any way at all, even to say 'don't contact me', then she will probably not think you're serious and keep pursuing you.

FWIW in my situation, after an initial flurry of attempts at communication, MIL did give up for the most part, except around times of birthdays etc when she could 'legitimately' send a nice passive-aggressive card.

Hope things work out for you.

She says you used to be nice. In her head that probably means you used to be easily manipulated by her. By standing up to her, she now classes you as not nice. Stay strong Theevery.

Solicitor's letter. It may scare her off, and if it doesn't, you have strong grounds to complain of harassment under the law because you formally told her to stop it and she failed to.

Really sorry you're in this position. Families can be hell.

Perhaps I am making the mistake of engaging too much with her. When she sends me a text, I read it and reply to her asking her to leave me alone. I am worried that if I start to ignore her via texting she will see it as justification to turn up at my house again because she will be "worried about my safety" or some such rubbish. She is constantly making insinuations about my mental health. Really she is the only thing in my life that causes me mental difficulties. When I ask her to leave me alone she will come back with some rubbish about it being me who keeps contacting her (I really, really dont!). I would really like to move, but it is difficult as was recently made redundant so am in between jobs but I would love to move and start a fresh and not tell her my new address!

You need to stop reacting to her - as long as you react, you are rewarding her actions, she's getting you do to something, and she won't stop.

As other posters have said, delete her emails, throw her letters away unopened, don't answer her calls. And if she comes to your home, call the police. A solicitor's letter would also be a good idea.

Sorry you are going through this. You need to be strong and consistent until she gets tired and/or bored.

If you're responding, you're feeding it. Just don't make any response at all. You've made your point and now you need to stick to it. Anything else isn't going NC, it's having an extended row.

When I went nc I changed phone number, email address and created a new FB page

The fear of being contacted an EA again was making life miserable, if you can't move yet could you do this to give yourself some space? I know that horrid fear/tension when you get a text/call in case it's them and it's not good to live with!

I wouldn't delete her emails or throw the letters, though - I'd send the mails unopened to a separate file, and keep the letters unopened in a safe place. That way if you do need to use a solicitor to make her stop, you have evidence of endless unwanted contact.

But you can't do that until you stop responding, because that isn't evidence that the communications are one-sided.