DH gone off me...what do I do?

[queenbee81]

Having a very hard time at the moment with my DH. A bit of context: I am 32, he is 44. I thought we were soulmates when we met 5 years ago. We have mutual interests and a similar outlook on life. We married 2 years ago. We have been trying for a family for 18months and recently we were told that I need an operation and that prob our only option will be IVF.

A few weeks before this news DH started being very quiet (she is rather quiet anyway) and then it's just got worse over the past few weeks.

I feel awful after the news I received (basically there is little or no chance I can conceive naturally) and I am just petrified about the op and IVF. I feel abandoned by my DH as he has done very little to support me. Yes, we live in the same house but that's about it. He sort of talks to me and pretends it's all fine but it isn't.

We have spoken and he says he's in a weird place, he told me he sees the bad in me rather than the good (and I have tired to be what I thought was a good wife...running our home, thinking of him before myself, making him lunch everyday etc) I don't go out a get drunk or argue with him. I am a normal, hard working 30 something woman...He told me he would be happy with a sexless marriage among other things. And I'm heartbroken.

He is not the man I married. I feel I have lost the one person who was supposed to be there through the hard times...and here I am going through something very difficult and he cant even put his arm around me.

We have tried to talk about it but I end up getting upset and we sort of go round in circles.

We have booked in for counselling and I am hoping that it works wonders as that's what we need right now.

Any other advice for people who have been in similar situations would be great...

Oh dear what a bastard :( he sounds really cold and cruel. Are there any signs of cheating?

You deserve better than this love, seriously. You are so young to be in a dead relationship.

He sees the BAD in you?

Game over love, sorry.

There is nothing bad in you, it's bad in HIM that he is projecting.

How is he with his phone, emails etc? Do you think he might be looking elsewhere?

You don't seem well suited for each other. I think if you want to try for children you will best suited to do it with someone else.

I think counselling is an excellent idea.
I'm sorry you need an op - I had to have cysts removed( very straightforward day op) and then ivf. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I'd not got a supportive dh too. I assume the idea of ivf is on hold until you sort stuff out?
Is it the infertility that's made him feel like this?
I consider myself a good wife, but I do argue with dh, occasionally go out and drink too much wine and rarely make him lunch ... have you always felt you have to please him?
Has he given you any examples of this 'bad' that he sees in you-that's a really weird and unpoleasant thing to say unless someone has been really out of order eg unfaithful.
Has your sex life been normal up to now?
I'm sorry, but this sounds awful at the moment and all I can say is I hope counselling helps.

How awful for you OP.
I would imagine that under the circumstances councelling will help enormously as you do sound like you have trouble communicating with one another. He may have gone quiet, withdrawn because he doesn't know how he feels/is a bit all over the place and/or doesn't want to talk in case he says the wrong thing/upsets you.
But he definately shouldn't be making you feel like shit, i hope things improve for you both.

You're doing the right thing in going for counseling. You'll then be able to see for yourselves if you both want to change things to attempt to make it work.

That's the first thing, working out if you both want to save this. Counseling should help you both to discover that and then if BOTH of you do, you can begin the long journey of working through the things that need to change.

Nobody on this thread can tell you if your husband has the wish to make things right, all they can do is tell you what you already know which is that current things are very very wrong.

Yes, he has always been quiet.

We've had a great relationship up until now...or so I thought.

I genuinely think he's depressed. He says he is struggling with other issues too (he was made redundant last year from a pretty high powered role, although he has another job now). He says he doesn't like the way I speak to him sometimes, and I can snap a bit but it's not all the time and it's usually out of blummin' frustration.

There is no way I can go through IVF (obviously) without him but I am also petrified about the operation which will be in 5 months ish time.

We've never had sex that much but it was good and I tbh I was ok with it as the love and affection was always there.

I think he's underestimated the effect of infertility on our marriage over the last 18 months but also there are other issues as I've mentioned.

As his wife, shouldn't I try to be there for him? He's admitted that he is finding it all difficult at the moment? But what if he doesn't 'come back to me' (in an emotional and mental sense)?

I wouldn't want to be waiting for the axe to fall, I'd rather he spoke up now if he has issues, but he can't expect you to keep quiet while he dishes it out. He told me he would be happy with a sexless marriage among other things how on earth is that meant to make you feel?

If he were frightened of losing you, if he had a panic that there might be more wrong with you, I could understand him detaching, emotionally and/or physically to an extent, but he'd still owe you an explanation.

If he finds the baby-making side of your relationship blots out everything else and he resents it, if he frets about potential disappointment or the cost involved, it's not fair to keep you dangling and hoping.

It's not about you doing his lunch or 101 other thoughtful little things is it, it's starting to sound like he is finding fault however 'good' a wife you are. You are already modifying your conversations and tone I bet.

it's not fair to keep you dangling and hoping

Yes, that's what I have said. I want to know he loves me, that he wants it to work. he says he does. I suppose counselling will help us to discuss this and I m hoping beyond hope that we can sort it but I also know that me hoping will not necessarily change anything.

). He says he doesn't like the way I speak to him sometimes

Hes using the threat of a sexless marriage to try and control you. OP ask him how he would feel about having an open marriage with you seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere.
After all unless hes playing "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" he wont mind will he!
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Sorry, this screams 'affair' to me and by that I mean I'd suspect he was having one. All the clues are there. Low self esteem because of redundancy, new job meeting new people, suddenly finding fault and only seeing the bad in a partner the good...then the piece de resistance 'I want to stay married but I don't want to act married' which roughly translated often means 'I'm checking out now because it doesn't suit me to leave you for the OW yet, but while I'm still here don't expect anything more from me'.

I'd concentrate less on your qualities as a 'good wife' (which sound a bit stepford anyway) and more on finding out what's behind this. He might be 'depressed' but depressed people are far more vulnerable to affairs in the first place and so often, what presents as depression is just infidelity and not an illness at all.

"OP ask him how he would feel about having an open marriage with you seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere....After all unless hes playing "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" he wont mind will he!"

If YOUR preference is that your relationship should work with you and husband having 'the sex' so to speak, then DO NOT ask this. Clearly, your life is not some game and you shouldn't play this kind 'bluff' with someone you think might actually be suffering from a mental illness.

There are fertility issues... you are to have an operation.... he's had some upheaval professionally, and you - who presumably know him best - in your own words think he might be depressed. This wouldn't be at all surprising as "I only see the bad in you" does sounds exactly like the sort of weird/brutally frank comment that a depressed person might well come out with, so give the counselling a chance if he's prepared to do it.

You absolutely don't want to bring a child into this relationship. Children just exaggerate any problems that are already there and bring so much stress- you really need to start with a rock solid relationship.

I think it's best to leave... He sounds like an arse to me. He doesn't sound very loving or caring. And you are 32- still a good few years to meet someone and have a baby,even with ivf.

I met my now dh at 32, two divorces under my belt and a 10 year old dd. I now have an 18 month old son as well :)

please don't settle for this.

It always baffles me on these threads when an OP or other posters seem to think what's behind sudden bad behaviour in a partner must be a singular issue. So for some reason, if it's believed a man is depressed, there's an automatic assumption he's unable to be anything else at the same time e.g. unfaithful or addicted to something. So odd too when we all know that depression often sets the scene for some very unkind actions and behaviours and that depression doesn't just ail 'nice people' and is indiscriminating.

Selfish tossers get depressed too. Depressed people are more likely to have affairs. Behaviour at home when people are having affairs often mimics depression. Unfaithful people who don't yet want to be discovered often lie that they are 'depressed'. This is hardly front page news.

is there bereavement counselling available for couples who cannot conceive. This is a big thing and bound to have an effect on your relationship. It seems to me that husband is blaming you (even unconsciously) for the issues you hare having and can't separate that feeling from your general personality. he is projecting the hurt he feels about that onto you.

he may be feeling that he wants children and that he needs to find someone else to achieve that - so he is forcing himself (again unconsciously) to fall out of love with you.

You both need to go to your doctor and ask about counselling for these issues. He needs to be willing to work on it though and it may feel too late for him.

Also, stop being snappy with him. it isn't helping.

He could be depressed. Part of this can be the feeling of loss of control and therefore imposing cruel strictures on the SO. Would he go and see your GP (if they are good) to talk about your issues - you could go along too. The counselling is a great idea but if the depression is unacknowledged it can schew what is being agreed and discussed.

If you can get counselling for yourself so that you can explore how you feel and make some plans. What a totally horrible situation for you. I have had similar (it was a breakdown) but was not also having to cope with fertility issues.

You could try reading the Depression Fallout books by Anne Sheffield or checking out the messageboard to see if your hunch seems reasonable. One of my ongoing issues is trying to decide waht is the illness and what is abuse.

Please nuture yourself and think what it is you want instead of catering to his every need - you can only save yourself.

cherchez la femme

I genuinely think he's depressed

OP, I've been very depressed and I know people who have suffered from depression and while I accept that different people deal with their problems in different ways, being depressed doesn't automatically equal behaving like an arsehole.

From your original post, it does sound as though he's got someone else on the go or there's someone waiting in the wings or he wants out anyway. His behaviour is not that of a committed husband whose wife is going through a very painful, stressful time. Being quiet doesn't mean being cold and uncaring but that seems to be exactly what he is.

And I have to say this, "I think he's depressed" seems to be the modern equivalent of, "no one understands him the way I do", which seems and has always seemed to mean, "I am making excuses for his behaviour."

I appreciate that my comments are quite blunt and you are feeling very vulnerable but you need to take care of yourself right now. Confront him and ask him about another woman if you feel strong enough but in your situation, I'd be mentally checking out myself and focusing on the operation than him. He doesn't sound worth thinking about to be honest.