I don't want this to be my life, but it is

[sophiesue]

Hi
I have lurked on here for a couple of years now and learnt so much. I realised that my husband was EA and sometimes worse, he was very controlling and still is. After reading on here and finally understanding what was going on, i finally found the strength to leave back in july, with my 3 DDs, leaving almost everything behind.
He argued for 50/50 care of the girls and although not what i would have chosen, he now has them 3 nights a week. After 7 years of no real break, i relished it at first, but not now. My oldest DD is 7 and has always been a daddys girl and says she wants to live with him.
I really struggle with them being with him alone and under his influence so much. He is so shouty and scary i worry how they cope without me. I left so they would have a safe haven with me, but now feel that I've abandoned them instead.
I've been going to counselling since i left and my 7 and 5 yr olds have just accessed counselling through school. My youngest is only 2.
How can i protect them while still encouraging them to have a good relationship with their dad?
Please help me see this through properly mumsnet!
Thank you xx

Well done finding the strength to leave in the first place. When you say 'sometimes worse' than EA and 'shouty and scary' do you mean he is/was violent? If so, was it ever reported or recorded? Also (sorry for all the questions) was the contact formally/legally agreed or something you arranged between yourselves?

Sophie, I have no wise words but someone will be along soon to help
One question though, is contact set through the court?

maybe seek legal advice especially If you are worried about their safety, maybe day time visits would be better than staying over night. Get in touch with the citizens advice bureau they could give you free legal advice xxx

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm#family_mediation_and_arbitration

Keep a diary of things. What they say when they come back and their demeanor. It may be that you return to court to ask to vary the order so they spend less time with him x but you will need evidence x

Thank you for replying.
He was very occasionally violent, but never really needed to be because I was always doing as he wanted to avoid any conflict, truly under his control. The incident that convinced me to leave was last year, we had an argument over something, can't remember what, and I decided to argue back, it ended with him grabbing me round the throat, throwing me to the floor and holding me there and telling me to 'know my place'. This phrase stuck with me and I thought to myself, the person I choose to spend my life with should think my place is alot higher than on the floor. The words hurt alot more than the violence. He was always one for jokinly hurting me, then saying 'oh I didn't realise you were so close'.
The only time it was recorded was when I left. I decided to leave at the end of June and told him we were over. He left for a few days but came back, and we lived together for a few weeks while I found somewhere for me and the girls to go. A week before we left, we argued and in front of the children he was saying things like it would be easier if I was dead and he could get me killed easily and awful things. He took my oldest to Rainbows and I called 101 as I wanted it on record that he had said it just in case anything had ever happened. I spoke to a lovely policeman who thankfully took control of the situation, I was too under his influence to make my own decision, and me and the girls were removed by the police to my parents for our safety. He was arrested for threats to kill. I didn't take it any further but I did complete the domestic abuse question thing with the police and recorded the earlier incident with them, and they said i could use it if I needed to in the future.
We have arranged everything through ourselves so far, nothing official has happened yet. I haven't started divorce proceedings or anything yet, trying to build up the emotional strength to do this. Although stronger, I am still frightened of him.
I don't think he would hurt them physically, but I am concerned for their emotional wellbeing. And then I think as they grow older and challenge him more, what might he do?

Ok so there is no order in place then yes? But there has been significant abuse of the children's mother? Sorry to hear by the way..

It may be that you can refuse all forms of contact, keep them with you and insist he sees a solicitor, at which point you produce your risk assessment from the police, the crime ref number and tell a few stories about your fears around his verbal abuse. But the judge will want to say that yes he was abuseibe to you, but was he abuseibe to the children? If not an order will likely be put into place which may be less than you are giving now. See how that works, keep the diary of what the kids say. And don't have much contact with him apart from around the kids. Report anything threatening or harassing. Repeated unwanted contact is harassment. X

Excellent news that his violence is on record because, where DV is in evidence, this opens up the possibility of Legal Aid. I'd strongly recommend that you talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 as they can point you in the direction of a local lawyer that specialises in DV-related divorce cases. What a 7yo wants is not priority in the eyes of the law when what she wants would put her at risk. A good family lawyer with experience of DV will make sure that any access is supervised and your safety and that of your DCs is uppermost.

You really are much stronger than you think and you've achieved a huge amount so far but, when you're in a gun battle, hire yourself a sharp-shooter. Please make that call.

Thank you so much, I will call Womens Aid.

I think I want it all to be perfect for the children, I want it all to be easy and conflict free, I want them to be able to go between us happily and feeling that we can get on. I need to get my head round the idea that this isn't going to happen.

I am struggling with the idea of being divorced and co-parenting. Not because I want to be married to him, but I don't want to be divorced, this wasn't in the life plan! I so wish that he could be everything that I wanted him to be and we could be together and happy, but I know this will never happen. I tried to make it right for him for too many years, but it didn't work.

I struggle because he is a master manipulator and makes everything sound so reasonable, that I feel unreasonable to argue against it, even though I know that it is not. So difficult sometimes.

No-one hops into their wedding dress thinking that, a few years down the track, they'll be organising co-parenting and arguing that their lovely groom should only have supervised access because he's an aggressive arsehole.... Don't worry, a lot of us have experienced that crashing disappointment of young dreams being shot to pieces.

You can't 'make it right' when someone is an unreasonable bully. They'll let you try all right because it means they get a free ride while you flog yourself to death, but they're not really capable of 'love'.

It is difficult, after a long time putting someone else first, to put yourself first but that's the only way out of this. Sophiesue has to be #1 priority in her own life from now on. Everyone else ... and that includes the DCs.... has to fit in around that.

I know you are right, it is difficult to try to change my mindset to fit that.

Thank you for the support, I find it really hard to talk about in RL, as I don't want people to think badly of him. I don't know why. I suppose I have been protecting him and doing everything to please him for so long, it is hard to change that. I also don't want people to think I'm stupid, why did I marry him, have children with him and stay for so long when he treated me like that? He tried to isolate me from my family and succeeded in cutting off all my friends. One good thing to come from this is my friendships, but I still feel sad that I can't be married and have friends, rather than one or the other.

I hear you sister!!! We don't want people to think we're stupid. You've hit the nail on the head. There is NOTHING more withering than opening up to a friend and (as happened to me) they look at you with sad eyes and say 'I never knew what you saw in him in the first place'... You feel such a chump when it seems EVERYONE except you knew this man who seemed so lovely was un utter git.

I would urge you, however, to bite the bullet, stop being his PR agent, risk a little humiliation.... and the truth will set you free.

Hi sophiesue, you've done well to get this far.

It's good that you've evidence of DV (although sad), as this should help you to get legal aid. I can understand about needing to gather your strength, but bear in mind that some evidence of DV "expires" after 2 years so you could no longer use it to get legal aid. Here

I would definitely suggest talking to Women's Aid and getting advice from a solicitor even if you're not feeling quite ready to take action - knowledge is power.

You are in control now Sophie, hold on to that