What is the normal healthy way to repair a friendship after a falling out?

[SomePeopleNeedHelp]

I've got out of an abusive relationship and have been looking at the way I deal with my life, issues with other people being one of those things.

If someone hurts me I either make out it's absolutely fine and bottle it all up. Or just avoid the person and generally feel awful.

Counsellor has been encouraging me to acknowledge when I have been hurt, not bottle things up etc.

I replied to friend's (hurtful) email trying to say that I was hurt and heard nothing back, although my email was perhaps pretty crap. She doesn't live near me and the next time I am due to see her is at a Christmas party in a couple of days, which I don't want to spoil. I don't actually feel I am in the wrong but maybe I should apologise to get things moving?

(Sorry I don't want post details of the falling out as she is very private and it would make matters worse if she found out I posted about her.)

Complicating factor is I have lost my voice atm.

Personally I like to go with something like, 'I'm probably being too sensitive but that sounded quite harsh/rude/whatever, what do you mean?'

Then I let them elaborate.

All the best, sounds like you're on a journey.

2 thoughts (speaking from painful experience), email not the best way to tell someone this really, despite losing your voice... So no reply on your friend's part may be v sensible.

Secondly, counselling stirs up all sorts for the person in therapy at the time, but not, most probably, for those around them at the same time.
So this may be a bolt out of the blue! Worth expressing yourself, of course, but pacing it too and choosing right time/medium. Or maybe writing a really heartfelt mail and NOT sending it or at least not straight away?

That is sort of what I did Joysmum. (I was trying to keep the op short!)

What do you do if the explanation is harsh and hurtful?

Thanks Salbertina, I expect you are right. We usually communicate by email as we have little kids and one of them is always screaming when on the phone. I suppose I just fired off a reply as I didn't want it to fester in my mind (but of course it has done anyway).

Oh god, you don't think she is planning to talk to me at the Christmas party?

Maybe, but you're both in control, not just her- if she does, amilevsweetly and say lets have a coffee and proper catchup soon and we can chat then?

Ok good point, I don't have to talk about it then even if she tries to. Quite telling that that hadn't occurred to me.

Don't beat yourself up- much easier to dish out advice than heed it, I've learnt the hard way! Guess its being assertive without being aggressive or passive and then ruminating about not standing up for yourself. Am v similar but learning! Self-knowledge is a powerful thing.

Re-read her email in the morning. Was it purely clumsy phrasing or was she attacking you?

She isn't responding because (1) she feels bad because she knows she overstepped a line, (2) she said her piece and as far as she's concerned, it's water under the bridge now or (3) she just doesn't care you were upset.

Head up, walk tall. She may bury the hatchet before the party, she may ignore you, what is the point in you saying sorry for something you haven't done? You are allowed to take issue with something you feel to be wrong. Sometimes we don't want to hear the truth and sometimes the other person gets the wrong end of the stick. If that explanation ever comes, it may be unpleasant or demoralising. It is only her version of events, it may be inaccurate but she can say what she wants, you don't have to accept it or believe it. You can bat it away with, "I'm sorry you see it that way".

When we've known someone for a while we categorise them and think we have them figured out. It can be startling when new circumstances challenge our perception. You should feel able to stand up for yourself, but after an abusive relationship you might not trust your own judgment. You say temporarily you've lost your voice. In another way you are finding it. Things might seem raw and risky for a while until you feel secure again.