Are the emotional stages of a marriage breakdown the same as grief?

[Kitttty]

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Pretty much, yeah.

No. I wouldn't say so

Yes, they use the change curve model on the CAFCASS Separated Parenting Course - to begin with, one of the parents is at the end of the curve (having gone through the stages prior to ending the marriage) while the other is at the very beginning of the journey.

Yes, I found the stages to be the same. I experienced them in different ways, but looking back now I do recognise I went through them. And as with grief, for me they weren't linear.

Good point that it isn't linear and to remember that it isn't simultaneous timing with the OH. (Never heard of CAFCASS - will look that up).

Also in contrast to grief - it is not one way and you can reverse the process?

Any idea on how long this process takes for divorce - for grief it is 3 years - but I suppose it depends where you are starting from...

I'd describe the stages as cyclical and there is no time limit. You cycle through all the stages quickly or slowly depending on how traumatic the separation is, how much you feel in control, how effectively you manage to find happiness elsewhere etc. You can get to 'acceptance' for a time and then some new information emerges or there's another stressful event and you're back to one of the other stages. I'm nearly 20 years on from a marriage breakdown and, even now, when I least expect it, something will trigger a memory and I'm quite capable of feeling a little depressed about the whole thing all over again.

I don't know what you mean about reversing the process. In the case of bereavement the grief has the quality that you know for definite that you're never going to see that person again.... it wasn't their choice (normally) to die and leave. It's very final. In a relationship a lot of the grief comes from knowing that the other person is still alive and kicking but has chosen to reject you. I'd argue that can actually be worse. An open wound rather than a closed one

Cognito - what I meant with the contrast to grief is that it is final - whereas with a relationship there is the opportunity to restore it. In my situation I am 100% pushing for the separation - due to a bad relationship - so technically I can go back to the beginning and try again.

If it's a bad relationship and you push to end it, the grief will be relatively short with a few regrets and some distress at any upheaval or change. If you choose to stay in a bad relationship, however, I think you'd simply experience a different kind of grief. Opportunities squandered are very difficult to live with.

kittty

CAFCASS Separated Parents Information Programme Workbook