ex issuing "warning" because I've gone to CSA

[bibliomania]

Please help stiffen my spine.

I left ex 4.5 yrs ago due to abuse. He has a lot of contact with dd(6) and we have an ongoing court dispute because he wants to be the residential parent. I'm opposing this because I think some contact is positive, but there is enough concern about borderline emotional abuse of dd by him that more and more contact isn't the right thing for her.

That's the background. He's never paid a penny in child support, and has cost me thousands and thousands due to the aforementioned court battle (he got legal aid, then when his solicitor stopped acting for him, he has self-represented). He does spend money on dd when she's with him, buying her lots of clothes etc.

I recently went to CSA. He's been resisting tooth and nail, and just now I got an email "warning" from him saying that I was damaging his relationship with dd and he was going to report this to the court.

The judge is going to laugh at him, right?

I've nothing to lose - I've tried to be fair throughout, and he's responded with making multiple false claims to social services and the police about me and trying to turn dd against me. This isn't going to make him turn nasty, as he's been nasty along.

You have to stand up to bullies, don't you?

Yes. You do have to stand up o bullies - and he sounds crackers. He should be paying child support, and his suggestion that it will 'damage' his relationship with DD is bonkers. A court will see that.

They don't get involved with the financial side of things in a family court (seems silly as contributions from NRP ultimately benefit the welfare of the child IMO)
He is just being a bully, ignore him, and good luck with CSA as they can be pretty hopeless at times!

Oh he sounds an utter nightmare. You are exactly right. You do have to stand up to bullies. Make it difficult for him to make it difficult for you.

Good luck.

Paying money towards the upkeep of your child won't damage your relationship with them. What an absurd thing to suggest!

Yes absolutely, you are doing the right thing.

Access and maintenance aren't linked - but by God, I have a problem with a parent who thinks they should be the one raising the child yet in the meantime isn't contributing a penny to their upkeep.

Not paying maintenance speaks volumes. Hope your HARDEST that he's stupid enough to report it to the court - it will make him look terrible. You're damaging their relationship by going through the legal process to get the maintenance he should be providing for the child he claims to love? I'd really like to see his face when the judge maybe asks him why he isn't currently supporting his child if he's so worried about her welfare.

And keep records on everything re emotional abuse. It's very doubtful he would get residency reversed unless there were serious concerns about you - if your position is that there aren't concerns and his actions arise more from a desire to control you and your DD, then try and give examples of this.

He's setting himself up for a fall. Courts are very disdainful of false ss reports and will not consider financial details. Though they will take a dim view of his attempt to use them to avoid paying maintenance.

There must be a script for this. My story is the same as yours - court battle, no child maintenance, reports to police and social services. I married a bully too. What is getting me through is knowing that bulllies always get their comeuppance. I wish you well.

Phew, thanks!

TalkativeJim, thanks - I don't think there's any real danger of having residency reversed. We really need to keep judicial continuity, because this judge has seen so many examples of him being awful - trying to manufacture evidence of me blocking contact by him not turning up (I had all my emails and texts asking where he was); insisting on dd having medical exams because she allegedly had bruises inflicted by me (the reports show no bruising or other marks); his own solicitors refusing to act for him any more, saying he was "unreasonable and unrealistic". He's been allowed to drain my funds for so long, and I can't believe it's been allowed to go on for so long, but I think we're getting close to the end. I'm going to ask that he no longer be allowed to bring a court action without the judge's permission, so hopefully we'll get there in the end.

You need too tell the case about the email I had similar and because of his actions he had a court order put on him to pay it and they collected it straight out of his earnings

The man's obviously delusional.

Cogito, that made me laugh, but also experience a flicker of unease. He doesn't act the way normal people act, which is pretty scary when I think of my dd alone with him.

Tilpil - sorry, I didn't understand your email. Was than an autocorrect saying I need to tell CSA about it? It didn't occur to me, but if it's relevant, I can certainly notify them.

Out of interest why, if you left him due to his abuse of you, do you think it's anything less than a crazy 'good' idea for DD to have lots of access?

If he's too abusive for you to stay with, why on earth do you think a 6yo girl could handle it any easier?

Report the email threat, and get some serious advice from abuse specialists as to whether you ought to be exposing her to someone as screwed up as he is?

Parents have to ensure that their child is supported financially, whether they have parental responsibility or not.

That's straight from gov.uk or whatever.

Anyway, as Cog says...!

If he refuses to pay he will be deemed non compliant and the CSA will issue a deductions of earnings order which means it will come straight out if his salary. Your DCs are legally entitled to 15% for one 20% do two etc

He sounds revolting and I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this.

The judge is going to laugh at him, right?

Yes, and he may be lucky not to be ordered to pay for the 4.5 years he hasn't paid anything.

Oh they'll work out arrears but you must claim asap.

If the CSA give you any uphill they have a lovely complaints form online, if they don't respond to that then keep escalating it. They can be as revolting as your ex is being

Judges don't take kindly to deadbeat dads!

Honey you stick to your guns You have the Law on your side , your ex sounds a complete nightmare and issue you with a warning is horrible for you but that is whathe is trying to do, get at you with this, Please do try and ignore it and get on with reporting him to the CSA , you have nothing to loose from this situation and are doing the right thing for your daughter and you, you go girl!

I'm another one who has had to endure the script - malicious report to social services, stressful court applications for contact orders (which he didn't actually want or need) as a means of making nasty false allegations, and a lack of child support.

The courts thought he was an idiot.

The CSA chased him down for arrears, formally warned him, and are making him pay up.

Oh and any nasty stuff I reported to the Police and they gave him a warning, too.

Thanks to all who posted and sympathies to everyone else suffering from the script. My ex has a pretty rocky employment history. He currently has a good job, but who knows how long it will last, so in some ways it's a point of principle that I'm going to CSA rather than any real hope of getting money, but I'm sick of him thinking that the rules don't apply to him. He's not as special as he thinks. He ranted at me on the phone last night for "harassing" him, but I just watched tv and didn't respond, so he hung up.

Hissy, it's a fair question about whether unsupervised contact is a positive thing. I'm not complacent about it - I have previously asked the GP for a SS referral when I was worried about his treatment of DD, which led to a report that concluded that contact was overall beneficial, although some concerns were noted. There is currently a new SS inquiry, recommended by CAFCASS to the judge. I've been very honest with CAFCASS and SS. Overnight contact has previously been stopped, again based on a CAFCASS recommendation to court, but resumed, also at CAFCASS's recommendations.

I'm quite ambivalent about the contact. There are some positive aspects to it. He's a better father than partner (although that's setting the bar low). I hope she'll at least have some positive memories of good times with her father, eg. the birthday party he threw for her. And very pragmatically speaking, the feedback I've been getting from CAFCASS and SS is that he's not quite bad enough to get the contact stopped, and I'm afraid that if I push too hard on too slight evidence, my own credibility will be in doubt and that will have an impact on the court order we end up with.

I'm meeting the SW again soon and will put my concerns to her as honestly and strongly as I can. As residential parent, I do have the power to stop contact at any time if it reaches the point where I'm seriously concerned. I always wondering if I'm doing the right thing.