Step grandparents

[Cookie21]

Ive been with my partner for two and half years, we are getting married next summer. I have 3 children and he has one child.

My kids (teens) get on well with his family. His parents have remarked at how polite and talkative my 3 are compared to other teenage children that they know.

My family treat his daughter like she is one of their own grandchildren. When it comes to birthdays, christmas and easter etc the same amount of money is spent on her as they spend on their biological grandchildren.

Special cards are also sent to her rather than a bog standard card out of a pack etc. If my family have any occasions or get togethers, then my partners daughter is always invited as well. My problem is this....

My children are not treated in the same way: the christmas/birthday cards they receive are out of a box of assorted cards, yet they have sent 'grandchidren' cards to all of their other grandchildren. They have given festive treats to their other grandchildren but have left mine out.

When it comes to gifts, no thought is actually put into the gifts they give to my children, which is what my kids and I find so hurtful. I certainly dont expect them to fork out huge amounts of money, but to pass unwanted gifts that they have previously received on to my kids when its birthdays/christmas is not right - I would much rather that they didnt bother.

Im invited to their family occasions - but my children arent. The only reason my children received an invite to easter dinner was because I said to my partner: that I wont be leaving my children on Easter Sunday, if they arent welcome then I wont be coming either.

My partners family are very comfortable financially, expensive days out and treats are plentiful for their own grandchildren, with my kids being excluded. In a few months time they are taking all the family to Disneyland for a holiday, I have been invited - but not my children.

Im not going, as a parent, how can I tell my kids that im off to Disneyland - but they are not invited. I dont expect them to pay for my children, I would have offered to pay the extra so that my kids are included, but this isnt an option as they dont want my kids there.

This is now causing problems between me and my partner, we are now having to have separate holidays because my kids arent included in his familys holidays, and he is too scared to stand up to his mum.

We are constantly being told by his family, that we mustnt leave his daughter out, yet its seems perfectly fine for them to exclude my kids.

My kids are now noticing things, which is obviously starting to cause resentment.

Anyone else been through a similar situation?

Your children will continue to notice such favouritism as well and it is very damaging for all these children. Your children's relationship with his biological child will be further damaged and perhaps beyond repair in later years.

Such favouritism should not be tolerated at all and you are right to be both challenging and questioning the order of things as they are.

What was your man's response to both Disneyland and the Easter Sunday issues?.

Do you however, want to marry someone who is basically spineless when it comes to his own family, someone who seems very deep in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother?. You're likely to continue to have separate holidays as well, I would argue that you and they deserve far better.

I would consider the whole future of this relationship now and tell him as much. Your man is as much a problem as his parents are
because his primary loyalty should now be to you and all the children regardless of parentage. You're a blended family but he is certainly not enabling you all to act as one cohesive unit.

My children's relationship with his child isn't the greatest, mainly because of how she is treated completely different to them, not just with the issues mentioned in my original post, but the fact that she is 11 years of age, but is treated more like a 4 year old. Her sometimes 'unacceptable' behavior is excused, to which my kids end up saying ' that's not fair, we would have been grounded if we did that!!' (which is a fair and valid point)

He did point out to his family regarding the Easter issue, hence my children being invited. However I feel like I shouldn't have had to point this out, and they were only invited to keep the peace, which doesn't make me feel great.

Regarding Disneyland, once I had explained to him how I felt, he understood and offered not to go with his family. Maybe I'm being stubborn here, but for me it was too little too late. I wish that he had come to this decision himself, without me having to point out every time a situation occurs.

His family don't see that Disneyland is a problem, and they were a bit miffed when he told them that he wouldn't be attending anymore family holidays/events if my children weren't included.

He has a great relationship with my kids, helps them with their homework, takes them to school/college and they think he is a great man. Its just a real shame that we have this issue with his family.

I do understand it being difficult for him. People do know how domineering she can be, for her nickname is 'control' but how do you change someone who has been so domineering all of her life, she is 73 but is more like 53!

You cannot change such people but you can certainly change how you react to them.

This is an ongoing problem that will not magically resolve itself upon you and he marrying. The relationship between your own biological children and your future inlaws will always be fraught with difficulties given their own unreasonable behaviour with regards to them to start with. I reckon as well you have never received any apology, such people as well do not take any responsibility for their own actions.

His mother in particular seems to regard your own children as somehow "inferior" to her son's own child, her favouritism will continue to all these childrens detriment. Their own relationship with your partner's daughter is not great as it is and it will not improve easily either.

You mention the relationship he has with your children but what about your relationship with him now?. He basically needs to grow a spine and be able to properly stand up to his mother because she is wreaking his life and the rippling effect of that is widespread.

I would again seriously consider whether you actually want to marry him at all.

Have I misunderstood this has he actually told his family he is opting out of holidays ect if your children are not included? If he has done this then he has pretty well stood up to them.

He cannot force them to change but if he absents himself from their outings he is standing by you.

Does his daughter mainly live with her mother? Does he live with you and your children?
Do you visit his family as a unit with/without his daughter?

I wouldn't marry into a hideous family like that. they are ruining his DD and will make your DC hate her, your DH and eventually YOU for inflicting this on them.

The fact that your supposed DH2b doesn't notice it, doesn't question it, nor make it an important issue let alone a priority means that you will be fighting this forever.

He won't change unless he wants to. His parents won't change unless they want to. I'm willing to bet that they WON'T want to.

If they were nice people, they'd not need any of this pointing out.

Your DC are more important than this DP of yours. They are all you have in the world and irreplacable.

don't sell them out so cheaply? please?

My guess is that they think that your children are somehow depriving their biological grandchild of their father's attention. Its shit but its probably quite a visceral reaction which has been unchecked.

I think your partner is doing the right thing. It might take a while but he is giving them the right messages.

Annielouisa : Yes he has told his family that he will be opting out of future family holidays, although he will be going to Disneyland with them all whilst we stay at home.

NannyOgg : His daughter lives with us 4 days a week. This brings problems when my kids see her being treated differently to them by his parents. We do visit his parents as a family unit - occasionally.
Because of how his parents are towards my kids, understandably they don't feel like playing happy families with them. There have been occasions when his parents start a conversation with my kids, my kids will respond, only for them to cut my kids off mid sentence as soon as their granddaughter enters the room!

Hissy : Your correct he didn't seem to notice at first, however he is making small changes. He has been bullied and bossed about by his mum all his life, and I guess he thought that this was normal till I came along! I just want to find a way to try and stop the resentment that my kids and I feel. I know his folks will never change, but is it worth ending a relationship over? I expect many people have issues with their in-laws, finding a way to manage it, isn't proving easy though?

DeckSwabber : She isn't actually their biological granddaughter, she is adopted,not that it makes any difference, With his parents being so accepting of a child which isn't biologically their sons, I thought that they would be equally as welcoming to my 3 as well.
No one could ever say that my children are depriving her of her fathers attention. His daughter lives with us 4 days a week, he also has contact with her on the days that he doesn't see his daughter as well.
She is incredibly lucky as she has has always (since she was a baby) been showered with attention, material things and wonderful once in a lifetime experiences.
His mum has commented that I am very good for her granddaughter, and that her Granddaughter is more relaxed in my presence than she is with her adopted mother (who has, shall we say major issues)
I do think his parents use the adoption as a bit of a 'crutch' as they often say that she hasn't had the best start in life (which to be honest, is so unfair and so very over dramatic) for she has been with them since she was a baby. I could understand it if she had been in the 'care' system and in and out of foster homes/childrens homes - this is simply not the case.
My kids and me have had a far more traumatic time, so it is very hurtful and insensitive when his family play the sympathy card, as they know full well what my kids and me have been through.
I probably have to accept that his folks will never change, its just tricky deciding how to diplomatically handle certain occasions, i.e. Christmas being one of them whilst tying to keep everyone happy!