Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need dating advice ladies please...

18 replies

KittiKat · 10/12/2013 11:25

I met someone from an online dating site about five weeks ago. We chatted on the phone for a while and decided to meet up. First meet was good and second meet was excellent. Invited him to my place for dinner (and to stay the night) and it was really good, I felt very comfortable and happy.

Thing is, he is a very sociable person, he has been on his own for nearly 10 years and he fills his time by doing a lot of social things, including sports and parties etc. But his diary does not seem to be clearing or including me in it very much.

I get a text every now and then (say once/twice a week) asking me how I am and how things are going but not a lot else. I do text back and say "fancy a chat" but only get a response the next day with him saying "sorry I missed your text but was snoozing" or something similar.

Last time we meet I must have said or implied something as his response was "let's just take this nice and slow".

He is 10 years older than me, there is some distance geographically but he is his own boss so can pop up when he wants or he knows that I would be more than happy to drive to meet him.

I'm 50 now, so not a young thing. I have been separated for over 2 years now. I even went to the trouble/stress of informing my STBXH that I was about to embark on a 3rd date with this chap so that he would get the message that I was definitely moving on.

But I feel a bit of a wally now. Is this chap just thinking I am a nice lady whom he can call upon once a week (or once a fortnight) for a nice dinner and sex? I want more I suppose, I want a relationship and at this moment in time I am feeling rather vulnerable and hurt and wondering how I can move this relationship forward without appearing too pushy. I want to know, for example, what are his plans for New Year but am too afraid to ask. I don't want to be sitting by the phone waiting for his call and then planning my life around it.

One part of me wants to ring him up or text him like mad to get a response out of him. The other side of me says sit tight and let him come to you. It's hard to know what to do.

Advice please ladies.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 10/12/2013 13:41

Is this chap just thinking I am a nice lady whom he can call upon once a week (or once a fortnight) for a nice dinner and sex?

It does sound a bit like that... :(

daphnesglasses · 10/12/2013 13:48

I think you're currently more 'into' this romance than he is. If it were me I'd sort of mentally write this one off and just get on with your own life - then if he comes to you and asks you to do things (and you still want to) then it's a bonus. But otherwise just make your own plans for New Year's Eve and go back on dating site so that you can date other people, as you can do better than this half hearted chap.

There's no need to feel a wally at all! you've done nothing wrong. Dating is tricky and can be a bit stressful when it's like this- with other people it may just feel more easy than this. You can't really move this relationship forward unless it's a mutual thing so I'd say sit it out (and get on with other things) or just ditch (but you don't have to tell him, just stop contacting him at all and see what happens.)

roz1982 · 10/12/2013 13:55

Ditch him, move on.

roz1982 · 10/12/2013 13:56

And I second daphne, your not a Wally, he is.

Original poster

KittiKat · 10/12/2013 14:12

Thank you ladies. I think I do know in my heart what to do but it does feel bloody miserable when you feel you have a lot to give and he is a nice person whom I would happily spend time with but he obviously is not looking for the same sort of relationship as me.

I will not wait, I will move on and give myself a big kick up the arse to stop feeling miserable about it all.

OP posts:

roz1982 · 10/12/2013 14:17

I bet you aren't the first very lovely and very worthy lady he has kept hanging around and you won't be the last. Some men just love to do this. I've experienced it myself. Be the one who walks away because it's not good enough for you. It's very empowering. Good luck x

Original poster

KittiKat · 10/12/2013 14:20

Thank you Roz x

OP posts:

crunchypower · 10/12/2013 14:29

3 dates?? Come on, give it a chance. You should get what you want from your relationships but I think that 3 dates is very early to expect too much. I think you should ask him if you want to know where you stand. I doubt he will know where you stand, tbh, after 3 dates

roz1982 · 10/12/2013 14:32

I disagree, he's being flaky with his contact and with getting back to her. Even after only three dates I think this isn't on. It will only get worse. He's making her do all the running. No thanks. OP should trust her instincts on this one.

FolkGirl · 10/12/2013 14:33

Yes I agree about being the one who walks away.

daphnesglasses · 10/12/2013 14:38

me too - it's great that you can see that you have got a lot to offer - just make sure you offer it to someone who's worthy and appreciative and kind enough

you don't need to do anything here OP (except get on with your life, like you said) as if he does come back later you can see how you feel then

crunchypower · 10/12/2013 14:39

I think his contact is more the 'norm', than the OP's expectation, after 3 dates. I don't get why it's a big deal at this stage? OP has been single for a while, her life goes on but with a bit of dating. Date others until you get to a stage to form a relationship with one.
I feel the ex has been on/off and plays a bigger role in wanting a secure relationship ASAP

Original poster

KittiKat · 10/12/2013 14:50

Just so you all know, and it was not my intention to leave this out as I did not thinkl I needed to give background, I am an "Oldie" and have had loads of help from Mumsnet over the years. The last time (obviously under a different name) was help in getting away from an abusive marriage after 25 years. The EX has been very, very reluctant to let me go. It did take an awful lot of courage to tell him that I was starting to see someone. I only told the EX when date no.3 was about to happen as to me I felt if I knew I wanted to go to bed with someone, it had to be serious from my point of view.

I suppose I feel miserable that at ages 50 & 60 we should not be playing games. I am after a relationship not to be a booty call.

And yes, I will take this all as a lesson learnt. Learning to "date" again is obviously something I am going to have to put a hard hat on for and start to go with the flow and not have any particular expectations.

OP posts:

CarryOnDancing · 10/12/2013 14:53

If you really like him then don't write it off, but do date other people. Don't hang around waiting for him as it sounds as if he's still on the look out, even if it's just until he sees where things go with you.

Good luck on your search!!

daphnesglasses · 10/12/2013 14:55

yes I think that's true OP. Well done for getting away from the ex. You don't have to tell him what you're doing any more. Have you considered counselling/freedom project etc?

2 years isn't long in the context of how long your relationship was. Maybe see this time as just to discover who you are/what you want?

It's ime the case that nice men tend to be less 'full on' at the outset than abusive ones though FWIW

crunchypower · 10/12/2013 15:02

Sorry OP if my posts were blunt. I only joined yesterday so wasn't aware of your background. I'm sure you are stronger than you think from coming out of your abusive relationship. You say the guy you are dating is nice and you get on well. Why not keep it casual, if you like spending time with him. You don't have to sleep with him. Date others as well if you like. Or get rid if you like. It's good to focus on the fun of meeting new people. Rather than focusing on a type of relationship you want and trying to fit someone in to it, try and allow things to grow or die out organically.
You don't owe your ex any information about your life and you don't need a new relationship to get your ex to understand its over or for him to stop badgering you.

Good luck, I'm sure you will get a keeper

Jan45 · 10/12/2013 15:05

He's just not that into you - move on, don't waste your time on a man that's keeping you guessing.

Original poster

KittiKat · 10/12/2013 15:35

Crunchpower your post was fine and thank you for replying.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread