How do you work out what's bothering you?

[WiseSam]

I have a bad feeling towards my DH atm, but I can't work out why, at all. It's like a hollow, numb, irritable feeling in my chest when I think about him, but I have no idea why! If you're upset about something but can't work out what it is...what do you do? We talked about some stuff that was bothering us lately, which usually helps, but it doesn't feel like it has so I'm wondering if I'm suppressing something that he said or did that has annoyed me

haha, no one is going to be able to help with this are they?!

Interesting dilemma... :) A vague 'bad feeling' with an irritable, hollow quality... hmm. When I feel that way it's usually because I think someone isn't telling me something. Not being deceitful or malicious necessarily but there will be something in their manner or tone of voice that makes me think 'what aren't you saying?' I'm anticipating bad news mostly. Have you experienced the same feeling in another context?

I suppose you'll have to be observant and particularly mindful of what is being said, how it's being said and whether this bad feeling gets better or worse at any stage. See if you can pin it down.

Sounds like resentment to me.

Cogito I think you're probably right and the hollow feeling (though it's gone today tbh) comes from thinking 'what aren't you saying'. It sounds like a hugely stereotypical thing to say, but getting him to talk about his feelings is like getting blood out of a stone. I'm extremely communicative and tell people exactly what I'm thinking (within reason) and if I have a problem, I tell DH straight out. But he just does not seem to be able to do this so I sometimes get the feeling he is simmering with resentment or stress about something but just won't, or can't, say.

He grew up in a family that just does not talk openly to each other at all. The atmosphere in his parents' house is thick with unsaid stuff and underlying resentment. He's learnt over the years of our relationship that having a good long chat about stuff clears the air brilliantly, and he'll be perfectly open once I've broached a subject. But that only works when it's a problem within our relationship - he is rubbish about talking about his own personal problems and problems with his family. He'll sit and try to work out what people are thinking and wanting and then act based on his own guesses, which I find extremely frustrating and frankly bizarre.

Basically, he's decided that there's no way he will ever be able to talk to his family honestly and openly about anything, and I think this is shit, because it's going to cause us major problems in the future as they age, and if/when we have children.

So how do you get someone to see that talking about stuff is a good idea, even if it causes temporary conflict, and when there are decades of not-talking-about-stuff to get over?

I've just realised...I totally worked out what was bothering me during the course of writing that post And because of Cogito's post.

WiseSam I grew up in a household like the one you describe whereas my dh likes to talk stuff through. When we first met I would get cross about stuff but not say anything and gradually over the years he has taught me to actually say what I'm thinking. I can see the benefits of it because instead of having an awful weekend with me stewing over something, we can just talk about it and then enjoy the weekend.

I still don't always manage it (years of conditioning are hard to undo) but I'm much better. Also a counsellor helped me see that I make negative assumptions about what people are thinking (especially around my parents) when they might not be thinking anything of the sort. So I try to ask people outright what their thoughts are, although I don't always manage it.

You can teach your dh to be more like you - it just takes a lot of work and a lot of three steps forward, two steps back.

I should add that our marriage is not in a good place right now, but teaching me to communicate is one thing that my dh has got right over the years!

DoubleBlue that's it exactly, he really does assume the worst about what his parents are thinking, which leads to us making commitments to things like visits, etc, that could easily have been renegotiated (in my opinion). He has said he has a lot of guilt about his parents because he doesn't want to spend more time with them and they have a bad relationship with him, but he doesn't seem to think there's any way of improving the situation. And I hate to think of him suffering pointless guilt.

In some ways I think he might be scared of opening floodgates and his entire family structure collapsing. So who am I to tell him his way of doing things is wrong, really, just because I like to tell the truth.