Supporting friend through emotional affair

[cherriesblossom]

Hey..just wanted some advice really.

My friend has been married for over 10 years to a nice,but unattentive guy.He has pretty much ignored her for years..not mean per se, just unattentive to her needs (he's out til the early hours a few days a week/no social life together, no chemistry,little physical or intellectual attraction).

Over the years I watched her grow as a person- but away from him.He hasnt changed since they met as teens but she has changed alot. He wants a simple life, meat & 2 veg on the table when he gets in from work/the pub. he would rather talk about eastenders then their future together.Hes happy to stay in the same low wage job in the same too small flat forever..but she just wants more from life,I guess.

He is not a bad person,at all- I guess neglectful at best ( but not intentionally).she doesnt want to be with him any more, after years of trying to ignite a spark, find common ground, work at their relatonship..I think its over but he wouldnt accept it and basically emotionally blackmailed her into staying together for their kids.

So long story short,shes been having an emotional affair with someone else. I know this is wrong but understand how she got to this point.Her Dh found put and is has been pretty much torturing her with guilt, involving the kids (telling her 8 yr old dd) threatening to tell the world, painting her to be a scarlett woman, telling her what a terrible person she is etc ..yet he had refuses to move out & says he will forgive her. The house is in her name & she doesnt work so no question of her moving out & leaving little kids. He says if he moves out he won't have anything to do with her or the kids (it would be too hard,apparently). She is scared of them loosing their dad because of her.

How can I support her? i don't agree with what she has done/is doing (?) but can totally understand how shes got to where she has. she just wanted to be loved/desired/listened to. She is all over the place at the minute & not sure how I can help her.

I agree with what she has done.

This arsehole has tried to squeeze the life out of her and he failed because she found a life of her own. Part of that life was a romantic relationship with someone else.

He's being an abusive arsehole now.

Tell her to get shot of him.

If he chooses to abandon his children because his skivvy finally got tired of him, then that's his look out.

They'd be better off without a father who could dispose of them so easily.

Thanks for the reply.Its hard to explain but he is not a horrible guy- he will help with house & kids etc but ver much sees it as her role, and that he is 'babysitting'.

I think they are better apart tbh but can see he is lashing out because he is hurting and think she may go back as she feels so guilty :(

What Join said, essentially.

And check the "it's ok to leave the bastard" thread.

If he stoops as low as not seeing the children to punish her, he is a terrible father and is better off the children's lives.

She should get legal advice and start the process.

He may not be a horrible guy.

He's behaving pretty horribly now, but he's hurt so that's understandable.

But the way he has treated her over the years is not good enough.

He has taken her for granted and treated her as second in importance to him.

And eventually she's decided that's not good enough and she has other options.

So that's basically TOUGH SHIT for him.

He gambled on the fact that he could ignore her and she would just put up with him.

He lost that bet.

I think you can support someone without condoning their actions.

This affair is not the answer to the problems in her marriage, and indeed might make things worse - it'll provoke a crisis (in which she is the 'bad' one) if discovered and, if not discovered, it is facilitating her ostrich stance towards her marriage.

She needs to make a decision about her marriage, ideally unclouded by the utter unreality of "affair bubble".

Just be her friend, don't judge her (even if you disagree with her actions). She'll need people like you to turn to once she's made the break, especially if he's intent on painting her as the scarlet woman. I can sympathise with her having been through something similar myself. My friends could see how miserable I was in my marriage and practically encouraged me to make the break whereas my family were more concerned about what other people would think and thought I should carry on in a dead marriage. She's lucky to have you.