DC are very angry with ex

[Mrscaindingle]

This will probably be long, sorry.

I have posted about my situation before, but to sum up STBx has been working abroad for past 18 months, due back this summer but was dragging his feet until I confronted him and he admitted that he didn't want to come back and felt the marriage was over.
Suspected OW which he completely denied at the time but I was served divorce papers by him a month later when we went out to visit him and he seemed very buoyant and happy about split. He also proposed to his company that he stay out there for a further 2 years which I was not happy about for DC sake. He took a 'friend' to meet DC when I was away for a few days. Did not mention this to me and DS1 said Dad was showing off in front of his friend.

We told our DC in September, DS1 who is 12 took it very badly and was angry with his Dad and still is, DS2 (9) cried for a day or two and then seemed to get over it.

Fast forward to last week when ex has updated his iPhone and because he had set up my iPad last year it got wiped because they shared an ID. When I reinstated it we had photos from exes iPhone of him and OW, the very one he had denied seeing.

It was Ds2 who found the photos and asked who they were. I felt as though I had been physically kicked in the gut. Both boys had seen photos so on advice from friends and family told ex he had to tell the boys about his new girlfriend. Needless to say he cocked it up and I was left to tell Ds2 through a bathroom door as he had locked himself in realising bad news was coming and had ran out of the room. DS1 said he had already guessed that said OW was dad's new girlfriend.

Now both DS are not talking to their Dad and I just got an email from him saying that it is because I am angry with him and not talking to him that the boys are siding with me. I feel he has a point but how do I get past all this and help my DC get talking to their Dad again?

When he came over in September I had hoped to leave the boys with him and go away for a few days but got tearful phone calls from DS1 as his Dad had been having a go at him for being 'rude' and so had to go back.

Now it looks like I'm going to have to hang around when he comes at Christmas too, he wants me to be able to be in the same room as him and chat, I do get that the boys will find it harder to get back on track if I am unable to be civil to their dad. I just feel as if I'm never going to get a break from any of this, it's been 6 months and nothing has got any better in fact it's now worse.

If you've read this far thank you!

Meant to say Ex is still trying to maintain that he and OW only started dating 4-6 weeks ago and still claiming that he has not cheated which is also not helping communication between us.

Your DH needs to realise that he can't drift in and out of his DC's lives at it suits him.

Nor can he blame you for what the feel, when they discover that he's been lying to them.

Sorry you're going through this.

Your boys are old enough to say what they want, and tbh, they have a right to be respected.

Your Ex will go anything to shift the blame, but the fact of the matter is that it's his own stupid fault they are angry with him, and he needs to wake up to that.

Your boys are entitled to be angry, their dad is being a complete prick.

Support your boys.

Don't any of you worry about your ex's feelings, he never worried about any of yours.

Your DCs are not reacting this way solely because you're upset. It is not your fault. He's subjecting all of you to one big disappointment and one shock revelation after another. Yes, there will be an element of them wanting to protect you but they're quite old enough to understand what this means for them personally and see it for the huge rejection that it is. If he doesn't understand why they are angry with him or 'rude' then he must be stupid.

How you support your boys is to respect & acknowledge their feelings. Don't pretend everything is OK when it isn't. If they ask questions, be honest. If they want to tell you what an arsehole they think Dad is, listen to them. Your relationship with them will be stronger. Their relationship with their Dad might never recover and it will be entirely down to his handling of this.

Why are you expected to hang around with him at Christmas?

You need to establish boundaries with ex. He sees the boys away from your home and without you. Handovers at the doorstep.

Your home is your and DC's sanctuary and his presence is confusing and unsettling.

Agree with the PP. Coming over at Christmas and setting things up to be like 'Happy Families' will just emphasise what you've all lost. Short-term fun for the DCs, convenient for him, but when he leaves at the end it'll be like being rejected all over again. Horrendous. If you and the DCs are to adjust successfully you have to create a new normal. That means your home is yours alone and when Dad visits, that takes place off-site somewhere neutral .. a grandparent's house for example.

No wonder your children are angry, they feel betrayed and lied to. When parents separate it is hard for them. That's without his dishonesty and hardly seeing him.

I read a book called 'what about the children' which I've found hugely helpful. Well worth reading.

My friend had a therapist come over and they all sat round the table with their Dad and Mum and talked about how they felt. With the therapist making sure they all got a chance to speak and feel heard. Her DC (age 7, 9 and 11) found that hugely helpful. I haven't done that myself but my DD has had play therapy (still is) and it's making a big difference.

I do work hard to be amicable with their Dad and speak well of him (hard at times) and try and teach my kids ways of dealing with their anger. A favourite is throwing/ hitting cushions and saying how they feel as they do it. As is drawing angry pictures but mine are only 4 & 6. It's 4 years now since H left me, but he ripples are still there.

I need to get the kids ready for school, so this is a quick one but I'm thinking of you. It's so hard seeing our kids suffer, trying to help them and also deal with our emotions as well.

You could be me 5 years ago. Very similar circumstances. My children were 11 and 14.
We were all very angry, and he couldn't see why. Still can't tbh. I had to learn to let the children express all their anger at me, as he didn't allow them to express it to him. Just listen, acknowledge and sympathise. Try not to ( although its incredibly difficult) add any of your own anger. I had a therapist to learn to express mine.
The children don't want to hear that their dad is an idiot, they have to work it out for themselves. It takes time, and it's a horrible lesson to have to learn.
Now, my children know what their father is like, they have a relationship with him on their ( not his) terms, they have zero respect for his new wife ( the one that was the ow) and a good relationship with me, with 100% trust that I am there for them. Just grit your teeth and let your ex learn that he is the one who has screwed up.
Good luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It seems to me that your ex doesn't have a very close relationship with his sons, and also lacks emotional intelligence - he was able to take up a new relationship in a different country which meant losing contact with them, and was 'joyous' about his new life nonetheless; he cocked up telling them of his new GF to the extent that one of them ran away and hid; and now he can't get his head round having time with them without you being there to facilitate. Agree with cog that him visiting in your home is absolutely not on; he will want to blame any resistance on your part to anything he suggests, on you being 'bitter' etc, but it sounds as if you are trying really hard to put the DCs needs first while seeing them as separate to you - another thing he will probably not have grasped, or be choosing not to.

Given the above, you may help your sons by doing some of your ex's thinking for him (eg thinking of people he can stay with when visiting, & suggesting it because he won't think of it himself) - but you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear, and pretend to your boys that their dad is something he isn't.

Thanks for the comments everyone, I am at work so may need to be brief. I was up most of the night worrying that I have failed to shield them enough from this although DS1 had his own opinions right from the start.
You are right Walk he really does lack emotional intelligence which was something I had always known but now coupled with his selfishness and deceit it seems much more glaringly obvious.
I have tried very hard not to bad mouth their dad and also not to tell the DC that their feelings are wrong but it really helps to see what you all have written, it will help my resolve in the next couple of weeks.

I need to tell him that he can't come to the house let alone me sit and chat with him, I can see how that is going to go down.

He has followed the cheaters script to a T and is now trying to shift blame, thank god for MN is all I can say I would have been clueless about what to expect without it. (So much for being brief)

Mrs. What you and your children are going through is so similar to what I am that someone sent me a link to this thread.

My husband has lied and cheated throughout our marriage but has now left us penniless with massive debts while he has an "amazing new life" with his mistress and her child abroad. My children are really suffering, especially my daughter, who is on a waiting list for counselling at school. He seems incapable of seeing the suffering that he is causing. You have my huge sympathy. Feel free to PM me x

So sorry Little that you are going through this too. ex has not left us penniless but there is always this worry that if we don't march to his tune he may pull the rug from under us.
I have however thought that being in a council flat would probably be less stressful, at least I could be free of him. Sorry that your daughter has to go through this
Do you have any RL support?

No support at all unfortunatly. After selling our home to let him follow his dreams by moving abroad, he spent all our savings and lost his job meaning we had to come back home. We moved to where we live to be near his family.

He was working abroad on his own to pay off the debts he racked up but hasn't done that and doesn't intend to now. We have baliffs constantly on the phone or at the door.

His family want nothing to do with his children now, they dont want to face up to what their son has done and pretending we dont exist means they can sweep it under the carpet. His mother will cross the road if she sees me with my little girl.

He has no empathy for his children, we are walking on eggshells waiting to see if he has paid the mortgage or sent any money.

His "girlfriend" is advising him to "fight" me, tells him he is couragous. They were planning on lying about his wage slips so that he could get away with paying less towards his children and me. She has a daughter roughly the same age as mine. When my daughter finds out about his "shiney new daughter" she will be devastated. I have to constantly e-mail him to ask him to phone her (I have no way of contacting him other than e-mail and no address for him). Even when she broke her leg earlier this year he couldnt be bothered to contact her, it has been two weeks to a month without contact at some stages then he phones as if nothing has happened.

I know I have years of this awful life ahead, trying to be happy and cheerfull for the sake of the children is increasinly hard : (

Oh little that sounds unbearably hard and sounds so similar its uncanny. We also went abroad for Ex (who was always restless) and lost most of our money coming back and looking for jobs that were hard to find in the middle of a recession.
So far he is supporting us financially but I am trying to squirrel away money as I fully expect OW to demand that he pays less as their relaionship progresses.
I don't think you do have years of awful life ahead it just seems that way right now. I know driving in to work this morning I was wondering how much more of this I can take but try to hang on to the thought that this too will pass.
One day you will look back and wonder how you got through it but you will get through it.

Regarding 'penniless' I think it's very important a) to get good legal representation and a fair settlement that can be legally enforced if necessary and b) to shift heaven and earth to reduce your financial reliance on him. It may mean serious downsizing, other adjustments, even hardship but aim to be self-reliant as then he has zero to hold over you and any payments you get can be treated as a bonus. So fight for fair but also fight to be truly independent.

He seems indignant that you and your DCs aren't up to speed yet.

Are you on good terms with your in-laws, would it possible to take your boys round there for them to see their father when he comes to the UK?

They're not toddlers any more to be fobbed off with half-truths and lies. he should step up and reassure them and try to look at this from their point of view, not cast rocks at you for not being relaxed about his antics.

Thankyou Mrs. You are right, we will get through this and so will you. I can not sheild my children from his behavior any more and I don't want them to grow up thinking this is normal or o.k. I won't bad mouth him but if they ask questions I will answer them truthfully (they need to know they can trust me and that I won't lie to them) They will see him for what he is eventually and I will be there to pick up the pieces again.

Cognito, it is hard for us as he has chosen a country where any legal settlement would be difficult to enforce (and also one where he could never have his children come to stay). I am going to do my best to sort my life out so that I can support myself but after years of travelling and having children I have no real career prospects. I am still struggling to come to terms with his abandonment of his children and all responsibilitys.

Donkey absolutely right he doesn't get why we are not all OK with this, I really think he expected to continue with his family life whenever he deigned to pop by ie picked up at the airport, fed and watered, and generally being Disney dad and back to his more exciting life.

Cogito ( a big fan btw) definitely have a long term plan to be financially independent, just need him onside for the next few months and then plan to go full time and have already massively downsized house wise. If I had daughters it's a lesson that I would be teaching them, as I never saw this coming at all.