Emotionally distant wife

[SomeUsername]

I've been married to my wife for 6 years, and before that we were together for 7 years.

In the beginning, things were great. We would share lots of hugs and kisses, hold hands and have regular sex. We were best friends and shared everything.

Around the time we were married, sex became less regular but we were still emotionally close. I've always had a high sex drive, so the infrequent sex did start to cause some tensions. We went from sex a couple of times a week to once or twice a month (now it can be 2-3 months plus between sex).

We've always shared the housework 50-50, and as my wife can't drive, I'd take her to work and pick her up. She's a nurse so works all hours - but I'd happily get up at 6 to take her, and pick her up at night. I mention this to show I'm not a lazy husband who takes my wife for granted.

My wife has always wanted children but suffers from polycystic ovary syndrome, so before we could have children we attended a fertility clinic. Once we were given a course of treatment she wanted sex all the time.

If I'm honest, this stirred a bit of resentment within me. Sex had become non-existent, but because she wanted a baby, she attempted to initiate sex pretty much every day. We were lucky and she conceived. Her sexual appetite continued up until the birth.

After the birth, understandably, we didn't even attempt sex for 6 months or so. My daughter is now two and a half, and is a joy. We both love her to bits and I've surprised myself at how much I enjoy fatherhood.

I do the majority of the childcare due to my wife's long days and frequent nights. Because she doesn't drive, I do all the nursery runs and taking my DD to and from grandparents, who help look after her a couple of days a week. We still share the housework 50/50.

As I mentioned previously, since the birth, sex has diminished to nothing. At first this bothered me, and we did argue about it on occasion. But my wife finds it incredibly difficult to open up and talk, especially if the conversation regards serious matters, or is emotionally charged. She just goes silent and cant get any words out.

This makes it incredibly difficult to resolve anything; I like to have things in the open rather than leave them festering inside me.

A bigger issue than the lack of sex is what I feel to be an emotional distance developing. We no longer hold hands, hug or kiss unless I initiate it. Because I don't want my wife to feel compelled to have sex, I've even started waiting for her to initiate it because I'm tired of being rejected. The fact that I have to initiate any emotional contact is also making me feel resentful.

We can go days now with barely saying a word to each other, or even seeing each other. I try to let her know how I feel but the conversations go nowhere.

I'm at a point where I constantly feel sad and partially depressed. When with my wife I feel I'm being more distant and unresponsive. She seems oblivious to any of this and carries on as if there are no issues in our relationship. What worries me more is for the past 6 months or so, even though I pleasure myself regularly, I've felt no desire to have sex with my wife. I've given up attempting, and have stopped going to bed at the same time.

I told her this evening I want to talk about the relationship, but because she had other commitments, she said we can't really do it today. After dinner, she wet out to a meeting. When she got home she just went straight on the computer and then came to bed, not mentioning anything I said earlier. I feel like sleeping downstairs tonight to try and force a conversation and show her I feel there is something seriously wrong at the moment.

I had a emotionally abusive childhood, with a suicidal mother and an alcoholic father who would occasionally be violent towards my mother and me. After years of abuse this cumulated in an attempt to kill me when I was 15 to which I had to escape through a second story window and not go home for a month. He was roaring drunk at the time. This was a turning point for him and not long after, he asked for help and has been sober for the past 17 years. I am good terms with my parents now, but there is a distance between us, and if I ever mention the past, my mum bursts out crying and my dad acts as if I've said nothing. I once went to therapy, but because I was under 16, my parents sat in on the sessions. This made it pointless.

I mention this because I acknowledge I have issues getting close to people, and once I drift away, I shut off emotionally. I've lost many friends due to this. I'm worried that the emotional drift I'm feeling with my wife will cause my emotions to shut off and there will be no going back.

I've no idea how to set things right. I do Love her, even though right now I'm not sure how much. I'd love to suggest going to counselling, but I know my wife would close down and become unresponsive.

I'm at my wits end and am feeling increasingly alone and depressed. Is there any hope for our marriage?

You need to talk to her about careers.

If you don't enjoy being the SAHP, tell her. If you enjoy it but want to balance it with more of a career, tell her. You may still end up deciding you won't change a huge amount but it's not healthy to withhold how you feel from someone, especially if what you are worried about is the intimacy in a relationship.

Hi LDR,

I'll feely admit that having to do all the driving can get frustrating. But there are no other options right now.

My wife and I haven't really delved much into my childhood - I usually don't like speaking about it, especially as my parents have changed a lot and I don't want to muddy their image in her eyes (she loves my Father as he reminds her of her Grandfather who has passed away).

My feelings don't shut of, as much as I withdraw myself from other people. I find it hard to form deep emotional attachments, such as what I have with my wife. Perhaps it does sound selfish, but sometimes I wonder if the emotional distance I've been feeling is more a tit-for-tat response to my wife's decreasing emotional intimacy.

We didn't plan the division of work as it stands now. My wife 'officially' works 30 hours a week, yet she regularly does 45+ hours a week. We based things on her working a 30 hour week. I do ask her to get an explanation from her manager why she works so many hours, but she tells me that's just how her job is.

Oh, sorry - it wasn't actually me who suggested other options about the driving. What I said was it seemed to loom large. It's not a big deal, but to you it is - I think you're letting it stand as a big deal because other things are frustrating you. And you need to concentrate on those.

I can understand you don't want to think about your childhood, least of all with your wife, but I think this is why professional counselling would be necessary.

What you say doesn't sound, if you like, 'deliberately selfish' - but it is not tenable either. You're not going to manage a healthy relationship if you both find it too difficult to offer emotional intimacy, and simultaneously expect it. And I can see you know that. But I think seeing the issue as something to do either your wife or your childhood is effectively blaming yourself or her - and there's no reason this has to be about finding fault. So I go again to 'try therapy'.

I can see it's tough with your wife's job. 45 hours is punishing if it was meant to be 30. I may be being naive here - but even 30 is close to full-time, right? And she does a lot. So perhaps you need to explain to her that the issue is hardly one of her working 'enough', but that you don't see her - that you would actually like the leisure time, not that you want her to do more? She might be at cross-purposes on that one, I don't know?

I am really just guessing, because usually on here people suggest if one partner is working fulltime, they should of course be doing 50% of the work around the house, but the other partner should be getting credit for doing the childcare and so on, as you do.

Epileptics are allowed to drive if their condition is well managed.
As a nurse she should know that.

I'm a bit confused.

If the OP had been a woman there would be outrage at how put upon they are; how taken advantage of they are and how their partner is using the silent treatment as a means of controlling them. This would be being described as an emotionally abusive situation.

But because the OP is a man they are treated with suspicion and are still deemed to be the overall cause of the problems.

Or have I missed something really obvious...

YY folkgirl.
OP you sound very articulate, and very sad too. Tell your wife that after the storm of work/child rearing has subsided, you would quite like to still have a strong bond and live out your remaining lives together. She's not being fair on you if you feel you can't broach the subject. If counselling could help, and it rarely can make it worse, it is not a good sign if she refuses. My advice would be to work on yourself with therapy regardless, and maybe let her read thus thread if you feel ok with that? Because it would break my heart to lift my head from the fog that descends over a busy life and see that my kind, intelligent husband was struggling. Hope all improves for you op

Totally agree with FolkGirl and TwoPeas.

On certain other forums, comment would be made that wife increased the sex to get a longed-for child and then, having achieved her prize, has no further use for the OP beyond being a chauffeur.

I think if she is contracted for 30 hours a week and ends up doing 45+, she cannot just say 'that's how it is'. If she was a single parent and had to collect her child, she wouldn't be able to do that.

I would look at her working hours. Is she staying out of the house for longer out of choice? So that she hardly ever sees you and then, when she is home, she is too tired to interact with you?

Is she working extra hours because they are under-staffed? If so, is she paid extra or can she refuse the hours? Employers cannot just foist 15+ extra hours a week on their staff. It's not practicable for starters.

Are the long hours really a problem, or an excuse?

If you have epilepsy you can drive if you have been fit free for 2 years, or if you can prove you only have fits in your sleep.

(Have recently checked driving regulations for myself!!)

I agree with Fairynuff. I suspect the OPs wife is working longer hours than she must do out of choice as work is a known quantity. I have seen this in others and have done it myself (even getting 'called in' to get out of a situation at home I felt unable to deal with - like entertaining 20 people I couldn't stand the sight of!) Is she doing the extra hours to earn the extra money out of necessity though? (just for balance).
I also agree the best way to begin to sort this out is to email her but 'go in soft'. No ultimatums, just 'I feel our marriage is going to die unless we talk and solve these issues', type of thing.
You sound like a good husband and you are doing well to buck the trend of the past.
If you were a woman you would be considered put upon.

Her reaction from the email will tell you if she has checked out of the marriage or not and you can go forward from there.

Sorry, this probably isn't that helpful, but I wanted to comment on the sex thing.

It was only when I came off the pill to try to get pregnant, I realised just how badly it had been affecting my sex drive. I really couldn't believe the difference in how I felt. I was thinking about sex constantly. Now I worry about what I'm going to do for contraception after the birth, as I'm reluctant to go back to the way I was, but really there are no non-hormone methods that are anywhere near as convenient.

I do wonder how many people are affected in the same way, and don't realise what is causing the problem.

I know this is only a small bit of your problem, but I wouldn't automatically resent the fact that you wife was more up for it when she was trying to conceive. Could just have been hormones kicking in, rather than something calculated.

But like I say, that's probably not very helpful, since your real problem is the lack of communication between you.

I could write an OP as a man saying 'I am a total wanker and proud of it, and I kick kittens' and someone would still come along trotting out the 'don't worry OP, no one would condemn you if you were a woman!' rubbish.

Way to make it all about your prejudices and not the OP's actual problems.

OP, it sounds like you are doing you are taking the brunt of the workload and working full time. This isn't fair. It sounds like your schedules clash a bit which doesn't help. It sounds like this clash is aided by your wife volunteering to work more hours than required. The hardest bit is the fact your wife is withholding communication. It makes it very unfair on you and makes you feel worthless and helpless.
I would try and get her to open up or you may need to consider the future of the relationship. You deserve better

As you said, the sex isn't as important as the lack if emotional closeness. Most of my mates (and me) see sex as something that happens when we feel emotional fulfilled. Many of the blokes I know see sex as a way of either getting, or showing, love. Big difference.

I think the way to go is to start trying to regain that connection and trying to both remember what you love about each other and then showing each other why you love them. Little things like looking into her eyes, holding her hands and kissing her on the cheek and saying you love her when you get her from work is a start. Do little things like this with nothing that can be construed as vying for sex or manipulative and I'd hope you could start to rebuild that love for each other.

Does she usually go straight to the computer?

I'm an nurse. If you wife is contracted for 30 hours per week, she is working an extra bank shift to do 45 hours. This is a choice she could say no to.

Working shifts is incredible hard as a parent and you need to rely on a partner an enormous amount to be able to commit to it. The hours are long and unsociable, plus it emotionally and physically demanding. I realised it was unsustainable for us pretty quickly and now work in the community.

Aside from the fact DH was essentially having to parent solo, I barely got to see DS. 12 hour shifts mean you are out the house 14 hours and the nature of shift work meant none of us knew in advance when i would be home. I also felt it was too slack for someone else to pick up.

It's great that she loves her job but it sounds like the balance is out with home life. Have you tried talking to her about it?

To much slack...not slack,

I don't think that's true at all LRD but there are many, many threads by women that read in a similar vein and the responses are generally outrage that the husband is being a "selfish arse"; "abusive twat"; and a "misogynistic wanker" and there are many of them before the more reasoned voices appear.

You mention in your original post that you wife suffers from PCOS. I suspect this is very relevant to her mood. PCOS is a hormonal issue, and when hormones are off kilter it affects everything. I am also a sufferer and it has impacted my life significantly. Before I was diagnosed I was often depressed, introverted and irrationally angry about things.

The most common approach taken by GPs to manage PCOS is to prescribe the contraceptive pill. Is your wife taking it? As mentioned above the pill has a lot to answer for in ruining relationships. I suspect it is one of the best forms of contraception as unless you are very lucky and find one that suits your body it pretty much eliminates all sexual desire. It ruined my entire 30s. I wish i knew who to sue, as I'd like to see this issue flagged up by the media. I have since spoken to a lot of other women who have suffered the same. Before you go down the road of analysing your relationship to death I would suggest you discuss this with your wife. If she is taking the contraceptive pill perhaps she would agree to come off it and use a non-hormonal method of contraception. When I stopped taking it I felt like 'I' was back, and suddenly my DH became attractive again.

I don't think that's true, folk, not from what I've seen.

And honestly, would you feel happy if someone said 'right then, your wife with epilepsy, infertility issues, low sex drive, a small baby and a demanding job - what a cow!'

How does it help the OP to tell him that if he were a woman he would get different responses?

Whether he would or wouldn't makes no difference to him does it. He needs support and advice in the here and now. No-one is criticising him, there have been lots of helpful suggestions and the advice is ongoing, if he wants it.

YY, that is what I was getting at but didn't articulate it properly.

LDR if a woman was to post 'I'm an arse..' a number of responses would be your DH must have done something to affect you.

OP you are being taken advantage of by your spouse, she doesn't listen and her go to mode is wishing it would go away by ignoring you and taking extra shifts she doesn't need to.
However do investigate the pill, it does affect it.

I am contracted to work 28 hrs a week but work at least 40 - that genuinely is the way it is (teacher)

You DO need to talk because it sounds very much like you can't continue like this. Over time, the resentment will build up until it is intolerable for one or both of you.

I doubt it, arsenal.

Btw, it's LRD. Not that it matters, but I do think reading things hastily is an issue here. We've no idea whether or not the OP's wife listens.