I don't know if it's over and how to tell him?

[JoJuly]

I am really stuck and would appreciate any advice. I have been with my H for 17 years we have 2 children together. For the last couple of years maybe longer I have felt differently about him and 3 months ago after a bad few months arguing etc. I told him I wanted to separate. I felt liberated for a short time until my H said his life wasn't worth living, he would move away from home and never see the kids again.

He asked me to try counselling (which I had suggested 18 months ago but he refused) so I said yes. We have had counselling and I didn't feel so angry with him for lack of support etc. he then asked me to try sex therapy, which has been awful, embarrassing etc.

I don't want him near me, let alone trying the "homework" that has been set by our therapist! I really don't have any feelings for him anymore and can't see anything improving but I don't know how to tell him. I am worried about how he will be, wether he will start talking about disappearing again and not wanted to move out while we get our heads around this.

My biggest worry is how the children are going to take it, my eldest is 11 and gets really angry when we argue. They also keep saying that they don't want us to split up.

My children are my priority but I don't think I want to stay in this relationship anymore. HELP!!!!

It sounds dead in the water for you. Perhaps planning would be a good start rather than saying something. So get finances sorted, look at housing options, talk to friends, ring solicitor etc. Also maybe look at why you want to separate- what happened to kill the love, why do you feel as you do? When thats a bit clearer it may be easier to make a final decision. Or it may even be salvageable?

Good luck with it

I agree with the above. This is a situation where you can't please everyone so you have to have the courage of your convictions and do what's right for you. Mediation/therapy/counselling hasn't worked. So make some preparations for a solo future, take professional advice, have things straight in your head about how it's going to work (finances, accommodation, parenting), then present it as a fait accompli. The DCs will just have to go with your decision and adapt, as will he.

You only get one shot at life. Don't waste it being miserable

You have already made the decision to leave. In your head it's clear. It's difficult to come back from that.

Thanks for your advice, I have been to see a solicitor to understand what I would be entitled to and I'm trying to put some money aside. I think it's just taking that last step into the unknown that scares me.

I don't want to have to leave the family home because of the kids, is this unfair of me? I just want them to be affected as little as possible. Parents splitting and moving house would be too much and I am not leaving them with H.

It is theoretically possible to negotiate with your ex as part of the divorce that he leaves, you keep the home until the DCs are older, he pays less maintenance and he delays getting his money out of the house until a later date. If you can afford to do it that way, of course, and if everyone is agreeable to the idea. But 'fair' is that he also has to be able to set up a place of his own and have a decent standard of living. So, if you can't afford to keep the family home on, or if he needs the equity, you have to sell up, downsize and all the rest.

Understand you want to minimise disruption but you can't achieve something like this without any change. Making omelettes and breaking eggs etc.

Have you got your eye on anyone else?

What sorts of things have not been working in the marriage?

I think you should ditch the sex therapy. That is unlikely to work at this time considering how you currently feel about him.

No no one else I have my eye on, can't even think about that! I agree and want to ditch the sex therapy, but I think if I do this this H will know its def. over and I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids! I know it looks like delay tactics but I have the whole family round and just want the kids to have a good Christmas.

In relation to the house, he could afford to set up and live comfortably, he earns good money and I don't earn too bad so think that would be a suitable arrangement. We did agree to doing this before we agreed to try again and started the counselling.

I think the reason he says that he wouldnt see the children again, is because he thinks it would be too painful as regards also seeing you.
It sounds like he loves you still? Have you both been compromising, or has it been you more than him?

It's me more than him but it's a result of years of battling to get him to do anything around the house, with the kids, the way he speaks to me etc. I said to him a long time ago every time your nasty or lazy or whatever it is he has done I loose a little bit of love and I think it has all gone.

I have always worked and get no help or support, he has no patience with the kids and doesn't do anything to help, like getting them into bed, cooking dinner, reading with them etc. I have always had to ask and I don't see why I should they are his children and this is his house too!

I should also add I have been studying for a degree and now masters and he promised me from the start he would support and help more while I'm doing this but instead moans that we don't spend time together and that it ruins the weekends, I also still have to sort the kids out whilst trying to study!

Sorry rant over, I get so wound up about it!!!!

I think the reason he threatens to not see the children again is because he is an emotional blackmailer and doesn't want to lose his cushy number

Partly out of interest, did his mum do everything around the house for his dad? And he didnt have to lift a finger?

Funny you should say that! Yes his dad does nothing and his mum does everything and did for my H whilst growing up! Didn't even know how to write a cheque out when we moved in together!

he would really hate to lose his lifeplanner, cook, cleaner, nanny, blow up doll and all round domestic appliance, wouldn't he ?

you can end this...any time you like

And you know what that's how i feel, like a glorified skivvy!