children's reaction to Dad leaving home

[Feee]

Hi - I posted a while back when totally out of the blue my husband walked out. Thanks for all the messages of support. It's now nearly a month on - he lives round the corner - and today he's seeing the children (7,6 and 1) for the second time since he went. What I can't get over is how well they've taken it so far. Day 1 there were lots of tears. Since then - apparently nothing. My Mum's virtually moved in and is wonderful with them so daily life as far as they're concerned is good. And as for Daddy, they talk about him freely, take the mick out of him and of me for crying about him - ie he's not a no go subject - and they comfort me as best they can when I'm upset and tell me it will be ok (I try not to cry often in front of them but actually think it's good for them to see it sometimes so they know it's ok to cry too). They've always adored their Daddy, but he was never much of a family man - always preferred his own company to anyone else's. Yet he was always a great playmate to them (when he wasn't being stressed and grumpy) - maybe more of a playmate than a Daddy. They were delighted to see him today, but showed no enormous excitement until he was actually at the door. But generally they act as if nothing has happened. What experiences have others of you had? Is something going on deep down that will emerge later, or have they just accepted that life goes on - albeit with Daddy now next door. I, on the other hand, find it harder and harder - I miss him terribly yet hate him for what he's done - moved next door to escape drudge and responsibility but to be close by to see them as often as he wants. I lost it when he turned up today - but realised I'd actually prefer it if some-one other than me would react other than perfectly normally to what's going on. Any thoughts?

I was wondering how things were going with you feee. I can totally understand where you're coming from with your last sentence. I split with my husband 5 years ago when dd was 7 and ds 5. They didn't really react much at the time either, and I was in pieces. It's only been in the last year or so that the children have started asking a lot of questions about why we split up, and showing signs of upsetness about it all. Of course, every situation is different, I just wanted to send sympathy to you feee, it sounds like you're coping with a remarkably difficult situation really well. Hugs to you.

My dad left when I was 14. I supported him at the time, but the older I got the more I resented his behaviour then and now. I know it is quite different situation but I guess it just makes me think that having parents that you still see but that are separated stays with you no matter how old you are when it happened or how you reacted when it happened.

Hi Feee - no experience I'm afraid, but just wanted to say hi, and that I was thinking about you this week, and wondered how things were going. Your children sound like little stars! xxx

Fee, pleased to hear from you, even though your news is still so sad....and his behaviour so unexplainable and exasperating.
I can understand that it must be very disconcerting / disorientating for the kids to be so matter of fact: but I do think that this shows that you have a great relationship with them and also that you have handled it absolutely brilliantly in talking to them. I also think that it is quite hard for children to grasp and imagine the long-term ongoing nature of change, and they may well yet go through different stages.

Thinking of you. XXXX

Feee, words fail me when I think about your husband. Well, actually they don't but they're not printable. How are you doing for money? Have you thought about setting limits on when he turns up? Oh honey, big hugs. xxxxxxx

fee, the thing that shines out is how strong and good your relationship is with your children. They must feel very loved and secure with you. I have no experience of this, but also suspect thier feelings will change in stages, as other people here have suggested.

I feel really sad for you and have thought about you since you last posted. You say your dh has only seen your children two times since he moved out a month ago, despite living almost next door. That doesn't sound enough to me, and if this arrangement is to continue, he should see them more regularly, otherwise surely they would miss him as time goes on? You need help to sort this out.

I am also wondering what will happen when your children bump into your husband in the road. It's got to happen one day as he lives so close. What will your husband do - simply say hello and walk away? how will your children react to that! oh, your dh makes me so cross! have you asked your dh what he will do in that situation?

And if this arrangement continues, your oldest child could soon be old enough to play out. What happens if they knock on his front door to see if he is in, or to tell him some small piece of news? will he just not answer or stand at the door and tell them to go away?

Have you put very specific questions like this to your dh? has he given answers? how much has he thought this through? sorry this is off the original topic, so don't feel you have to answer, I am just ranting!

Feee, your children sound very secure and well-balanced to me...a good thing! Your dh sounds....oooh, best not, eh, I might start ranting

Maybe they will grieve later - maybe at the moment it feels temporary to them and they haven't really taken it in? It must be hard to comprehend that Daddy has left when really he's just a few minutes away. I think kids are pretty resilient and accepting - like "OK, so this is how things are now...where's my dinner?" type attitude.

I think you are right to cry in front of them, and show that you are hurt and bewildered, that leaves the way open, as you say, for them to show their emotions if (when?) the reality of the situation hits them.

Just rambling really so I'll go...just wanted to show a bit of female solidarity in the face of such a**ehole male behaviour

Godalmighty, I hadn't registered he'd only seen them twice. TWICE??? He's round the f*cking CORNER???

Agree with Tigermoth. He needs to start doing some thinking. Which will be a shock for him, I guess.

Just want to send you some virtual hugs x

To be fair to dh, he would like to see the kids more - that's presumably why he's round the corner - work, beer, couple of hours with kids, jog, lots of space - perfect life for him. But I feel if he sees them often, he's getting exactly what he wants out of this - at our expense - and I'm damn well not playing ball. Also, after the weekend visit, for the first time I had terrible problems with the 6 year old - loads of tears - didn't want to go to school - wanted to stay at home with Mummy all day. Coincidentally or otherwise, things only improved once the imminent next visit was cancelled and they're not now seeing him again until next week. I fear the visits are, initially at least, going to prove highly disruptive - for me and them. I really wish we never had to see him agin - but am going to allow one afternoon a week - and that's it. I hit a terrible low after the last visit, but have picked myself up again now - and I dread being knocked down again each week when they go off. All grim stuff. Apart from I feel the children and I are closer than ever - thank God.

fee, I see what you mean now, especially your point that by visiting frequently and then leaving when he wants to, he's getting the life he wants. Does your husband know how upset your 6 year old was after his visit? Have you asked him how who will deal with the possible emotional fall out(from the children) after his visits? Can he see how unfair it is for you to deal with this alone while he goes jogging off into the distance?

XXXXXXXer