Pissed off

[Imogencodpiece]

So, DP has left the large freezer unplugged. Went in there to get something out and discovered that everything is half defrosted.

apparently because I wanted to get taxi home from my mums because DS was getting very tired and he didn't, I was having a go at him. Now because I'v found the freezer unplugged and had a panic asking him why he left it unplugged and worrying about the amount of food in there that could potentially go to waste, I'm always shouting at him.

it feels as though every time I say that I am unhappy about something (and i never raise my voice) I am 'having a go'. it makes me feel like i should just put up and shut up and when I say this he says no of course you don't have to, but YOU do this and YOU do that and i don't say anything. So pissed off right now

x Not surprised. Does he ever take note of the things you are actually talking about or just moan>? Has he accepted that leaving the freezer off is something you are allowed to get mad about?

If you're not happy with something you are entitled to say so. And frankly if a large freezer full of food has been allowed to defrost because of a careless error I'd be livid! Never mind about 'having a go' - there would be bloodshed!

To say you are always having a go at him when you are expressing unhappiness sounds like a classic avoidance tactic - he blames you and tries to put you in the wrong rather than accept that you might, just might, have a point. So ask him - are you being unreasonable when you point out xyz? How would he like you to address the issue? (Don't ask him if he thinks you shouldn't say anything because that is going to invite the answer No - so instead ask how he thinks you should express your thoughts.)

Hi, sorry for not coming back sooner.

I do feel like he is trying to put the blame onto me whenever I say something is wrong. He is very over sensitive to comments which means I very often don't say anything at all, only when its a big issue and then maybe it comes across as 'having a go' at him.

I suppose I also feel that my opinion on things doesn't matter because of the way he reacts and I feel guilty for upsetting him.

He also sleeps really badly so I doing all the getting up to DS (9 months) who to be fair only wakes up once a night usually and I feel guilty if I wake DP up to go to him once in a while, because he sleeps badly.

I feel I probably did get stressy over the freezer, but it was the panic over the amount of food in there (at least £100 worth) and he takes it personally, I understand mistakes happen I'm not an unreasonable nutcase.

Morning, Your post today has made me feel sad. It just sounds as though you are underestimating yourself and the fact that you don't seem to be doing much with your life apart from trying to please him.
It really isn't your responsibility to ensure he gets his sleep, you and ds are people as well.
You still seem to think your reaction to losing a freezer full of food was wrong in some way, and then when you do mention things you are unhappy with you feel that you come across 'wrong'.

It sounds quite oppressive doesn't it?
How do you feel about hearing that?
Do you still feel you are 'wrong' and he is 'right'?
Is there anything that you would like to change about your life?

why would anyone even unplug a freezer ?

To use the socket???

He can't be sleeping that badly if he sleeps through your DS waking in the night. I suspect he just complains more than you.

Do you usually sort out the consequences of things that he has done wrong? Are you bagging up all the ruined food to throw away? Will you go to the supermarket to replace it? As he gets arsey about taking the blame for things, perhaps you could assign responsibility for the consequence instead of blame. eg "The freezer has been unplugged and now the food will need to be thrown out and replaced." Then do nothing else.

not sure what to say about your hubby - sound like he is good at deflecting blame because he doesn't like to take responsibility.

but in terms of the wasted food - you need to jump into action. Cook any meat and then refreeze, make soups with frozen veg and refreeze.

Offer other things to family and neighbours, so it doesn't go to waste completely.

Almost anything which has been defrosted can be cooked and then frozen again.

You husband needs to help with the work he has created -= get him in the kitchen.

He doesn't sleep through it Baa truly, he really does have sleep issues and has done since he was a boy. He is a very light sleeper and wakes up when a sparrow farts outside and he doesn't complain when I ask him to get up to him, simply because I do most of the nights to try and let him stay at least semi asleep rather than waking up fully as if he does he is usually then tossing and turning for the rest of the night and then gets up at 4am :/

He does allot for us and me, I don't want to paint a bad picture of him, but we really seem to come unstuck when it comes to conflict and resolution.

Ok, so I'm going to try and give a bit of background as my first post was made in frustration and upset and if I keep just answering questions then I am going to end up drip feeding.

We have been together two years I'm 27 he is 29 DS 9 months old, we got together and had bubba very quickly in a bit of a whirlwind romance.

We both have a history of shitty relationships and a failed marriage each, his ex wife was abusive and controlling towards him and got him into an awful lot of debt.

We both love and trust each other and we live together in a house that we rent.

things were wonderful during my pregnancy and before and then bubba sent our world sideways (as they do).

We both have a history of depression and DP is clinically depressed (it will always be there at differing levels). My depression is situation based (times of stress usually). Before baby was born DP decided he was going to come off his (very strong) meds as he felt his situation and mood had improved so as to not need them anymore. He did this against doctors advise and despite my insistence that if he wanted to come off them he should do it with doctors supervision.

As a result he suffers lows from time to time and is naturally very sensitive and emotional anyway. He refuses to see a Dr again as he will just be put back on meds and he states that CBT does not work for him (he has been referred in the past) he does not want to take pills.

I feel that I have had mild PND since a few weeks after DS was born. It is getting better by the day the older DS gets, but never the less is still there some of the time, I have up days and down days but overall I feel I'm ok and I am monitoring myself and I know if I need to go to the Dr.

We seem to really fail when it comes to communication and misunderstanding each other and i don't know why.

I have given this big background because I am looking for some genuine advice because I want to make this work and it feels as though we are constantly bickering at the moment. I love him and I love DS and I love us as a family, but I really fear its not going to work long term if we cant get past this and work more as a team I suppose. I don't want to lose what I have I really do think its worth working hard and fighting for.

For those of you who have read right through this, thank you.

My first thought was I doubt his wife was as abusive as you think. He is saying the same about you and the things he sees a s abusive in you clearly aren't!!
Secondly IMHO people who won't help themselves when they have depression are happy as they are and won't ever change.
I'd say the reason you can't communicate is because he doesn't want to.
You haven't painted a picture you just described your life and it didn't sound good!!
All the way through all your posts you are making excuses for him, If he has had these problems since childhood, won't take medication or counselling then either he is afraid of what he may have to face or he just has no intention of being different.

I think you have to be more proactive about what you want your life to be, tell him and work out a plan of how it can happen,Then if he has no interest in making those changes you have to decide if you can live all your life feeling as though you have to keep him from being stroppy.