Honest advice needed

[Needsomeadvice123]

Sorry if this is long.

I separated from my husband 2.5 years ago.

Nobody else was involved, and we agreed at the time of separation that we would spend Xmases and Kids birthdays together as a family. We knew that wouldnt be forever, but as we were amicable, we agreed to discuss it if anybody wanted to change things.

Last Xmas, ex was going to stay over at mine on XMas Eve so he could wake up with the kids Xmas Day, spend Xmas day and night all together and then the rest of Xmas we would do our own things with the kids. New Years was meant to be where we all went to a party together.

At the last minute (Xmas eve) Ex decided he wouldnt sleep over Xmas Eve, but would come round in the morning. The kids were upset, but all got on with it. XMas Day he left at 5pm, again leaving the kids bewildered. I took them to a friends house for the evening.

I hevent been well for a while and we havent discussed Xmas this year until recently. I presumed I would be cooking dinner and he would be coming.

Last week he said he was cooking dinner. I asked if I was invited and he said that I could come for dinner. He said he wanted to have the kids XMas Eve and Xmas night 'like he did last year'

He said I cant stay over because hes not comfortable with it.

Hes also having them New Year, which I agreed to.

I am so upset, hes expecting me to just turn up for dinner on XMas day and then leave again without the kids ! If he came to me I would invite him to stay as long as he wants to.

I have tried to explain that I am not particularly comfortable with it either, but that the kids come first ! I think its too close to XMas to start changing the rules, next year fine, we can come up with something else, but this year, I think it is cruel.

I should add that he is seeing someone else and has been for over a year, I think this is why he wont stay with us, because I have found out that she is very jealous of me. I have no idea why, she can have him !

I would appreciate some advice? am I being unreasonable? I told him he is acting like a child, stamping his feet and demanding his won way, I am trying to be fair...

I think the days of you sharing things like this are probably over. You should alternate Christmas and other holidays and do things separately from now on. I think it's naive for everyone to play happy families like this. The kids will know you're not together and I think it's time to move on now.

horrible situation for you, but you are no longer a couple, and I imagine he wants to spend Christmas with his new partner, it would be unreasonable for everyone concerned to have you staying at his home, not to mention painfully awkward. his new partner would quite understandably feel her nose was being pushed out.

You've been separated for over two years and your ex has a partner, so I don't think it's unreasonable that he wants to make new arrangements that reflect your separate lives.

However having said that he doesn't get to have Christmas Eve night, Christmas night & New years Eve with the DCs just because he says so. It's over 2 weeks to Christmas so plenty of time to negotiate a more equitable arrangement - I would have said that it makes sense for the DCs to go to his for Christmas Eve, do present opening and Christmas dinner, then come back with you in the evening.

I've been separated from XH for about 2.5 years as well. We spend Christmas Day together (DC are with me on Christmas Eve night) and then they stay with XH on Christmas day night.

Both of us have new partners - I see mine on Christmas Day night and XH goes to see his on Boxing Day (she lives about 200 miles whereas everyone else is in the same town). Once they live together (likely to happen before I live with mine) I expect things will change but for now it is fine.

The DC would be ok with whatever happens though or at least both of us will hopefully make it that way iyswim.

I would be a bit put out with only getting to see them for Christmas dinner at his house - I think one of you having them Christmas Eve and one Christmas Day night seems fairer.

Sorry I probably wasnt very clear.

I dont expect to play happy families forever, but we agreed when we separated (and told the children this!) that we would spend these times together until we told them otherwise.

Its 2 weeks until XMas, I dont think that is much notice for them !

Also his new partner is married and will be spending time with her own family, she has not met my children yet.

Next year I am happy to do the alternate thing, but I am very upset at having to dance to his tune this year. Had he said 6 months ago that he wanted to change arrangements I would have happily done so!

Im not sure how to play it, I just want to keep the kids happy, I dont want to lie the decision on them, so I think I am just going to have to back down and let him do whatever he wants.

Also, because I presumed I was doing the dinner, ive pre-ordered everything !

Turkey for one :-(

His new partner is married?

I would hope she'd never be meeting your children then!

Erm, this is hard for me to comprehend. Never mind just 'let him do whatever he wants' you have a say in the arrangements, you are DCs mother - this year, I am having ds Xmas eve and half of Xmas day, he then goes to ex h for the rest of Xmas day and Boxing Day, comes home to me on 27th. Just put your foot down, don't ask, just say this is what is happening. DC will be fine, as long as they get to see you both and know what is happening they will have a nice Christmas, separately with you both.

Is there anyone else who can come to you for dinner? Or you go there? Tell them you can even bring the turkey! Make your own plans and empower yourself.

no no no.

too late to come up with this arrangement. yes to sharing year to year, if it's been properly discussed and the children know.

He can't, two weeks before xmas tell you he is having the children xmas eve and morning.

they will be looking forward to having xmas in their own home.

he can come pick them up after lunch. have your lunch with them at yours.