Here's a question for you.. would you/wouldn't you - all opinions welcome!

[Mascaraohara]

So here's the scenario, dp and I don't live together yet and aren't married but it's a pretty permenant relationship. DD is not DP's and we have both always assumed that once the house is built and we're married that we'd have more children together. I know dp would really like children of his own (iykwim) and more specifically would love a little brother for dd.

Now I've always said I'd like more children (probably 2 more at least) depending on figure and finances.

The problem is recently I have started to feel differently dd has just turned 4 and I really feel that I am getting my life back again (I'm 27). I can be mroe spontatious with her as she is less effected by change in routine the odd late night etc which has really put me off the thought of starting all over again with more children. There would also be a substantial age gap between dd and her (would be) siblings as these children wouoldn't be on the way for at least another 3 years by which point I will be 30 and dd will be 7. I also know that I will be left to bring up the children whilst dp carries on his life as usual (at the moment I do this because dd is not his so can't order him to stay in and babysit) but if I had children with him I'd expect him to contribute equally to childcare so that I could go out.

Sorry I'm rambling the point is, I might change my mind in a couple of years and decide I do want more (going out might become less impoartant etc)
SOOOOO
Do I tell dp I don't want anymore children now? I risk losing him if he feels really strongly about it but then he shold have the right to decide what he wants in life. Or do I keep schtum? I might change my mind or later down the liune have to tell him I don't want anymore by which time it might be too late for him to meet anyone else and have children which means I'm effectively taking away his ability to chose what he wants from life..

Does that make sense? I think the question is, should I tell him how I feel right now and risk losing him or do I keep quiet and cross the bridge later in life??

TIA x

i think the decision whether or not to have children together is such a huge one that you owe it to him to be upfront. maybe not start off by saying i dont want any more children, but you could have the baby talk - use it to list all your issues (ESPECIALLY sharing of duties!!) and listen to his pov. the most important thing is to talk. so many couples end up in the most awful mess because of failure to communicate.

Well, you could tell him how you are feeling about it now, but you might change your mind by the time it becomes a pressing issue.

I don't think you are saying that you don't want any more children ever though - more that you are enjoying life right now as it is - which is a lovely thing to be able to say. If you look into your future would you be happy never to have any more? you are only 27 - you have a lot of years left - why not just wait until DD is old enough to babysit

I agree w/MTPW.

When I married my ex-h, we were young - well, I was just 23 and he was 27. And he felt like you do now about kids and I was so young I was a bit on the fence myself.

Flash forward 5 years.

He had finally come to the decision that he did NOT want kids. Ever. With anyone.

Fair enough. I did.

Cue incredibly - for both of us - separation and, two years later, a divorce.

But he was never dishonest w/me, nor I w/him and so were able to be friends.

When you love someone, you owe it to him/her to as honest as possible. After all, you'd like the same treatment in return.

I would be upfront - tell him exactly what you have told us.

You're only 27, you've got many, many potential child-bearing years ahead of you. It's quite likely that you will change your mind. Tbh, once I hit mid-thirties I stopped wanting to go out all the time, and these days would rather stay at home with dh than be out with friends.

I had dd2 last year and I will be 40 next month. DD1 is not dh's and there are 7 years between the two girls. We debated long and hard about whether to have a child together as we "had our life back" (holidays alone when dd1 was with her father, easy to leave her with babysitters etc.), but we both agree it's the best thing we ever did - life with two is such fun and the two girls adore each other.

Mascara, just do what feels right. There shouldn't be any pressure from DP.

FWIW, there's a 7 year age gap between my sister and I(and we get on like a house on fire), and a 14 month one between my dds. Don't let the age gap put you off - but if anything else does, it's time to evalutate the situation. Wish you well in your decision.

Thanks all, see this is the thing.. love him so much that want him to be happy. He's not much of a talker which causes a problem and he thinks I 'think about things too much'. He just takes for granted everything, he would never think that he might not be able to have children even if I told him so.

I do have years ahead of me to have children and there is planty of time and lots of reasons that I might change my mind again in the future.

I don't know how strongly he feels about having children it's just another thing he has assumed, we'll have children, we'll have a boy, it'll race quads and motorbikes and work in in the family business. He's such a simple man (iykwim)

I am in a slightly similar situation where my boyfriend does want children in a few years and I already have 2 dd's by my ex-h.

I think the important thing here is that you are only willing to have kids if you know he is going to help out. I completely agree with this and this is the only way that I will have another child with my boyfriend.

My biggest worry is that if my boyfriend wasn't supportive then these kind of inequalities really breed resentment in a relationship and it would break down. Then it's back to square one being a single mother again but with more kids!

To get to the point....lay it out for him simply and clearly. If he's not willing to do his share then you're not willing to have his children. I think you have to nip this sort of thing in the bud early so you both know how you wish each other to behave.

However, I haven't tried and tested this yet to see if it works in practice...but have dissected where my last relationship went so wrong and think feeling put upon is one of the worst feelings...next to jealousy of course.

I am actually really broody and would love to have my boyfriends baby but mustn't let womanly feelings take over.