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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think he will never change

40 replies

Unknownmember · 08/12/2013 15:00

I've posted many times about H. I'm coming to vent as I have no one to talk to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1913692-When-is-it-time-to-leave

H had his Xmas party last night. His company included a hotel stay as well. Instead of him traveling while drunk, I said that he should stay the night. But he had to agree that he went to the party only and then back to the hotel. He couldn't go out drinking with people afterwards as that's when problems start.

He always says that I don't give him/ tell him what I expect. So I was very certain this time. And I told him that it's hard for me to trust him this much but he has to show me that his family is far more important than going out and showing he's one of the lads.

So I checked find my iPhone last night and he was out drinking till 4 am. His party finished at 11. I know it might sound like I'm being really demanding, but after six years of broken promises I have to try and take things in my own hands.

But he's shown me that going out is more important than keeping his promises and showing me that he's responsible. I keep hoping that he will have the lightbulb moment and realize what he's losing, but I don't think he ever will

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 15:07

Two years ago the man slept with a prostitute and you almost had to abort your baby. His limit for what is and isn't responsible behaviour is set lower than a limbo dancing pole-cat. Six years of you forgiving him and is it any wonder he treats you with complete contempt? Waiting for a lightbulb moment is a vain hope. Sorry....

Mrsfluff · 08/12/2013 15:11

Unknownmember, I am sorry you're going through this, but if what Cogito says about his past behaviour is true, then I think it's you who needs the lightbulb moment.

It doesn't sound like he treats his family with the love or respect deserved, do you think this will really change after after all these years?

whitesugar · 08/12/2013 15:15

I don't have any idea what the last six years have been like for you. I also don't know any adults who would tell their DP that they can go out to a Xmas party and stay in the hotel providing they go straight home after the Xmas do. I recognise this post from your other similar ones and I said the same thing before. If you don't stop treating him like a child he will have a lightbulb moment one day and will leave you. If you want your marriage to survive I suggest you start treating him with respect. For your own sake get some counselling to address your control issues. If you don't address your issues all your relationships including those with your DC will be very dysfunctional.

The tone of your post reminds me of myself when I am talking to my 14 year old DC.

NakedTigarCub · 08/12/2013 15:15

He will only have that lightbulb momment about two years after you have left him.

You are not going to leave him so your only choice.is to suck it up - men will be men right!

Glad im not in your place driving my self nuts trying to control another adult.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2013 15:16

You need the lightbulb moment, this is no life for your or your child for that matter.

I have also read your previous thread and have wondered why you have stayed. What do you get out of this relationship now, something has kept you within this, albeit fear of the unknown in leaving and perhaps out of habit.

He will not change and you have to let go of the fantasy now that he will somehow change and become a decent human being. He will not.

tinmug · 08/12/2013 15:19

He does know what he'd be losing and he does not care. I agree that it's you that needs a light bulb moment OP. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

Unknownmember · 08/12/2013 15:34

I know that he will probably not change. I have hoped for so long but maybe some habits are just not easy to change.

I am afraid to realizing the truth. An what life might be like if I was completely by myself. Maybe I'm not strong enough to cope for that. And te kids

OP posts:

tinmug · 08/12/2013 15:38

If you're strong enough to cope with 6 years + of bullshit, broken promises and betrayal, you're strong enough to cope with being a single parent. You can do it.

Original poster

Unknownmember · 08/12/2013 15:38

And the kids, they love their dad. It would e so hard on them.

Whitesugar, I need used to be like this. But after six years of being let down, I've had to assume this role. I do feel like a mother sometimes telling off her child.

I've had to do this because after going out to drink we have had

Him sleeping with a prostitute
Being caught drink driving
Having to go get him at 12/1am with two dc under 2
We've spent over £15000 on getting him lawyers and replacing things

OP posts:

MissScatterbrain · 08/12/2013 15:49

Words fail me.

Why on earth are you with this very poor excuse for a husband and father.

What do you think your DC are learning from him? from your relationship?

You need to put them first. He can still be a dad to them if you split up.

You need the lightbulb moment.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 15:56

Your first reason for staying ... you're not strong enough to be independent ... is the real one. All kids love their Dads and that includes abusive Dads, mass-murdering Dads and so on. So that's not a valid reason to stick around in this miserable atmosphere with someone who has no respect for you and no self-restraint. But you mentioned in your other thread that your confidence is down, you're unhappy with your weight and other things that fully explain why your self-respect is too low to kick this man to the kerb where he belongs. I'd strongly recommend that you act first, then work on your self-esteem. The longer you subject yourself to this man and keep forgiving the unforgiveable, you'll never pluck up the courage and what's left of your self-respect will disappear completely.

Come on OP.... you're better than this.

whitsernam · 08/12/2013 15:57

I'd say you need an Al-Anon family group - you allow him to keep on with this, in a sort of co-dependent way. You say:
"I've had to do this because after going out to drink we have had

Him sleeping with a prostitute
Being caught drink driving
Having to go get him at 12/1am with two dc under 2
We've spent over £15000 on getting him lawyers and replacing things"

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot fix this

HE has to do these things. After this much time and this much money, I know I'd definitely LTB!!

maras2 · 08/12/2013 16:01

He will never change love.Are you still abroad?If so is there any chance that you can come home to family or friends?Your kids will be so much better off not living with this poor excuse for a husband and terrible role model.

bestsonever · 08/12/2013 16:10

...the other reason perhaps is money. If you can afford to pay £15000 on lawyers he's not short of a bob or two. Does that give him the right to have power over you though, do you have suck it up as he provides? Not at all, as happily there is a protective legal system to ensure that he continues to provide after a split - so what on earth are you waiting for?

str8tothepoint · 08/12/2013 16:10

Hmm the old iPhone finder, for you to even do that shows you have no trust even after all this time

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 16:12

The OP has no trust because their DH is untrustworthy. Lie down with a dog and you get up with fleas....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2013 16:24

"I am afraid to realizing the truth. An what life might be like if I was completely by myself. Maybe I'm not strong enough to cope for that. And the kids".

The truth though will set you free.

Better to be alone as well than to be badly accompanied.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

By staying with this individual as well you are self sabotaging your chances of actually meeting a decent man. You are also doing your bit currently on teaching your children really poor lessons on how relationships are conducted.

feelingvunerable · 08/12/2013 16:26

Could you see a professional for some perspective? Start with your gp. Book an appointment tomorrow.
Ask to be referred to someone who can offer you support.

You really need to gather the strength to think about yourself for a change.
Your dh will not change.

Your dcs will also survive a broken marriage. Rather than being shown such a terrible example they deserve to be around one positive role model.

Having to modify and police another adults behaviour is soul destroying and not acceptable.
Please keep posting.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 16:33

The kids might love him but he is a terrible example of how a responsible father should act. You are doing them no favours to expose your kids to such a fucked up dynamic between you two.

he can still be their father without being your partner (although the "partnership" seems to be completely lacking, tbh)

Original poster

Unknownmember · 08/12/2013 16:42

We are still abroad. No one in my family has any idea of the problems we have. I couldn't put that burden on them as they already have their own problems.

The money came out of our savings for a deposit on a house.

I'm waiting for him to come home. It's still early morning here. I'm not going to tell him that I know he went out till late. I want to see if he can be honest. But I don't hold out any hope.

My parent had and still do have a great relationship. I think I feel like a failure admitting to the act that I can't manage a healthy relationship. That my husband doesn't seem content enough with me. And what's to say that any man would be content with me, or that I could find someone else.

OP posts:

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 16:50

It's him that can't manage a healthy relationship, not you. And he never will. Cut your losses.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 16:51

Do you considr a "relationship" with any man (no matter how fucking useless/abusive/disrepectful/dangerous) to be better than none at all ?

maras2 · 08/12/2013 17:18

If you were my daughter I'd want you to confide in me and come home with the kids.Why not give it a go? Don't stay any longer he will just break your heart even more.He will not change.He is damaged,broken.Don't let him damage you.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 17:19

don't let him damage you even more

EirikurNoromaour · 08/12/2013 17:27

Jesus woman do you have mug tattooed on your forehead? No? Then stop being one for this guy. DTMFA

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