Am I having an affair? What is this relationship?

[ougnh]

DP and I have been together for ten years and have two DC (aged 7 and 4). It's not a great relationship. He thinks I'm less important than him, and hasn't told me that he loves me in years. I love him though.

Not making excuses, just setting the scene.

I've met a man through a mutual hobby and find him fascinating and, although not physically, an attractive person. He clearly fancies me and has told me. I'm so flattered. We text a lot, initially hobby-related stuff, but it's progressed into a (very, very mild) joking sexual tone.

Nothing will happen physically. He's married and I won't cheat on DP, but I think I may actually be in love with him.

Is this an affair? It is, isn't it? Feel dreadful. This must end, mustn't it?

Yes.

Thanks. For some reason I needed to be told. Pathetic.

This man has made me so happy, but I know I must stop it all.

I think the issue here is that someone other than your partner has shown you attention that you are craving.

It is likely this could progress even if you don't think you fancy him at this point.

The fact your partner hasn't told you he loves you in years is a major issue. You must deal with the issues at home before you can make an informed decision about the other man.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself, things like this are always bound to happen when your relationship isn't working.

Right now I read it as a crush rather than an affair. The definition is immaterial, really. If your long-term relationship is dead then have the courage to end it rather than torturing yourself with guilt simply for looking for affection and kindness elsewhere. Btw if you're going to have crushes, don't go the MM route. Nothing worse than developing feeilngs for someone who is unavailable. Except possibly loving a DP and it isn't reciprocated....

Thanks all. I needed to someone to give me a sensible talking to. Yes, I need to try to work on my relationship with DP. I love him, but know he doesn't feel the same anymore.

I would never want to disrupt the other man's marriage. I'd despise myself for upsetting his wife and, worse still, his two DC. Sincerely, I'm not interested in damaging a marriage.

Perhaps I should ask DP if he'd go to Relate with me? He won't talk things through with me at home.

Don't ask him. Tell him how you feel... neglected, unloved, taken for granted, whatever it is that is making you unhappy. Then say it's causing you to call the entire future of the relationship into question. This is the consequence of what happens if nothing changes... the end. Then present Relate as the one possibility to prevent that happening BUT he has to engage in it 100% wholeheartedly with a willingness to change if necessary. Obviously you don't mention your hobby crush man at this stage because he's merely a catalyst rather than a realistic alternative.

The man you're attracted to just highlights your own relationship problems even more. Also this other bloke could be a chancer and sees that you are vulnerable anyway, some men do try it on with clearly vulnerable women for their own ends. Be very careful and back off from this person as of now. You do not need further complications.

I would go to Relate on your own; your man probably would not go anyway.

If your relationship with your man is on its last legs then it is in everyone's interests for it to end asap and not drag it out. What too do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they currently learning from the two of you?. Surely it is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

If you think you love him (in a non platonic way) then yes it's gone too far.
I think a good barometer would be - could you tell your DH everything honestly about your relationship with this man without upsetting him. If the answer is no then there is something more going on, and you need to do something about it.
I have close male friends, that I share a lot with including risqué comments but I have no problem sharing them with DH and am open an honest about our friendships (DH knows them all and socialises with us)
I know that they are just friends to me and that it's only banter. Neither side has any doubt that it means anything more than that.

Poor you.
Your husband is a cruel cold fish. In an ideal world you'd get sustenance from the new man, his wife wouldn't get hurt, and you would sale blithely through the relationship getting nothing but fun and an ego boost, not guilt and self loathing.

But that's not going to happen. Draw from the realisation of how a good relationship should make you feel to get out of the one you're in.

I agree with Cogito. Tell your partner that you are deeply unhappy and, unless the relationship can improve, you will end it. This is no way to live your life and a terrible example to set for your children.

Don't get why people continue relationships when you or your partner don't love you no more. Staying together for the kids is just not worth decades of unhappiness and no love when you both could be with people who can give you that or maybe he just wants to be alone