Apologies in advance, as this is likely to be epic in length – I’ll try to keep it short!
I’ll start by saying that I’ve not had the best luck in life. Much of that is my own doing (I’m a bloody idiot, as I’ll explain in a minute), however, I’ve also been dealt a fairly shitty hand of cards in life and my childhood was traumatic to say the least. I’m not completely unlucky though – I have two truly wonderful kids, who are the absolute light of my life. A son of 11 and a daughter of a year and a half…
Long story short, is that I am homeless and jobless and living with my in-laws at the moment. I used to do temp work for my FIL and my contract ended in June. My partner was made redundant in July and, much to our huge surprise, he hasn’t found any work yet. (And to be fair to him, he has tried VERY hard, knocking out applications every day and attending 20 interviews in this time). We have no idea why he’s not getting anywhere as he interviews well and has a good CV. My CV is patchy and childcare issues mean I’m more unlikely to find work, although I have something possibly lined up for January, if only my FIL would act as my reference (something he’s stalling on which may well fuck up my chances). Anyway, we have lost our jobs and now our home, Christmas is coming up and we’ve got fuck all to give the kids. It’s been a pretty miserable year.
I can’t thank my in-laws enough for taking us in at this time and putting up with us. It’s pretty cramped, as me, DP and the DC’s are all living/sleeping/etc out of 1-and-a-half rooms, but hey – it’s a roof over our heads. MIL is lovely, kind and helpful (if a little interfering) but she is put upon by FIL, who can at times be a drunken, chauvinistic pig. I do worry about staying here long term, as although they’ve made us welcome so far, familiarity breeds contempt and all that.
As for DP, well I’m afraid there are huge problems with us. After our DD was born last year, he had a huge breakdown for the first 9 months of her life. It was truly horrendous – he was furiously abusive (verbally, physically, financially – you name it) and he made my life a living hell. Threatening to kill me or get the kids removed, constant nasty name-calling and several violent episodes. He literally did NOTHING to help with the baby as well. I was so vulnerable, with a newborn baby and it was such a bloody shock, as he’d always been so wonderful with my DS (from a previous relationship) that I didn’t see it coming.
Amazingly, my DS has seen none of the abuse from my DP, as P always timed his outbursts (or let himself go) whenever my DS was staying at his dad’s for the night. My DS adores him. Something clicked in DP in the New Year and he has been nothing short of fantastic with the baby ever since then, really trying hard to make up for it all. But despite not usually being a grudge holder, I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what went on before. I’ve lost all respect and love for him and our current situation doesn’t help. I am civil and friendly to him though.
On top of everything else, I am also somewhat of a family scapegoat. I was sexually abused and raped by my older cousin from between the ages of 8 and 14. I first told a friend about the abuse when I was 10 and she told her mum, who then told my mum and auntie (and several other mums at the school gate). I don’t think my mum and especially my aunt have ever forgiven me for unwittingly “embarrassing” them like that. Unfortunately for me, said cousin is the blue-eyed golden boy, pfb in the family, so I never stood a chance. It was all hushed up. Until one night, during a sleep over, (yes, you heard right – wtf were they thinking?!), I heard him abusing my little sister, aged about 9 or 10 at the time. I asked her about it the next day and she admitted he was doing it to her too, but begged me not to tell mum. I told my mum anyway and she told me to keep quiet, that she would talk to the rest of the family about it. She said the same to my sis. Except we’ve subsequently found out she never told a soul.
My cousin continued to abuse me, leading to him taking my virginity via a nasty rape, the day before my 14th birthday. This time I told someone in Secondary school and I think professionals were called, saying we should all be thrown into counselling immediately. We were. Unfortunately, I had turned into a rebellious teenager by this point (I wonder why), truanting, being VERY promiscuous with boys and getting nicked for shoplifting. So the counselling sessions became about what a shit I was being. Didn’t really help.
I left school with no quals and ended up getting pregnant with my DS at 17 (had him at 18). I’ve spent a too much time on and off of benefits, in and out of dead end temp jobs and I’ve never amounted to a God Damn Thing. I bloody love my kids so much though – I am mostly a good mum. Except for the whole being so screwed up that I’m probably about to wreck their life thing…
I’ve put up with years of nasty, snide comments from family, (particularly my aunt), who has excluded me and tried to persuade other family members what a useless scrap of shit I am. I truly am her scapegoat. Unfortunately for her, I am a nice, decent person and my extended relatives always seem so surprised at how friendly I am when I bump into them. I have a weird, superficial relationship with my cowardly mother, who kowtows to her younger sister. My sister has recently brought up her abuse to my aunt and uncle after finding out my mum did nothing. I had hoped that she would gain some closure and that they would treat her with respect about this. But I’ve just found out that she and I have been uninvited from my nan’s 80th b’day party coming up. I shouldn’t be surprised. Why I’ve kept looking for their approval, I don’t know…
So after a catalogue of bad luck and poor decisions on my part, it looks like I have ended up in yet another shitty situation and this time, my beautiful babies are in the middle. I want them to be happy and not have my past following them the way it has always followed me. I’m 30 next May – what the hell do I do to sort myself out?! If anyone has any answers, I love to know. Thanks for reading and sorry for length (and self-pity)!