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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he just using me & should I leave him?

23 replies

yuyuyume · 07/12/2013 20:41

Hello,
First, sorry for my English, it's not my first language! I am having a problem in my relationship. I came to UK from Japan 3+ years ago to study and I started seeing a guy here. He is from a very religious and strict family. I am Buddhist but actually not religious at all. We started to see each other when I first came here, I was really young then and never had a boyfriend before so I didn't really know any better and didn't question anything. When things became more serious, he told me there is no possibility to get married or have a real future together because his parents could never approve of him to have a girlfriend outside his religion. So, I didn't expect we would get married and we tried to just continue the relationship for a while and see what happens. Then when things became more serious we broke up, but always came back together. It has been like this for 3 years now, on and off, together but not really together and it's driving me crazy. Now, we are older and I want to know if this is going somewhere or not.

On our graduation, I met his parents and they know about our relationship. They were really nice and I think they liked me. After that, I told him I would convert to his religion if it will make them happy and means we can stay together. He told me it won't work because his parents don't approve. To me, it seems like they do. I am so confused! I feel like he is lying to me about the family issue because he doesn't want a real relationship with me. But there is no way to know for sure.

At the same time, it's so hard to break up! Like I said, he is the only boyfriend I ever had and I really care about him, actually LOVE him so I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/12/2013 20:43

What religion is he?

It does sound as though he has never had any intention of making it a long lasting relationship

Original poster

yuyuyume · 07/12/2013 20:44

Hello,
randommess he is Jewish

OP posts:

Original poster

yuyuyume · 07/12/2013 20:48

Actually, when we met neither of us was thinking about long lasting relationship. I was 20 and he was only 19, so quite young. Anyway now I'm 23 and he is 22 so we are still too young for marriage or anything, I don't want to get married now at all. I am just thinking it's a bit stupid to continue a relationship for more than 3 years without any hope for a future. What if we stay together 5 more years? And still nothing!

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2013 20:49

Religion or not, if he is having a relationship just to kill time and be intimate, I would say he is using you.

If you were willing to convert, then I dont see how his parents could object?

But, that aside, what morals does he have if he indulging in a relationship he has no intention of taking further? Pretty shallow.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 20:59

If his parents are strict Jews they may want him to marry someone Jewish, so it wouldn't be enough for you to convert.

It may be they're fine with you as long as he doesn't marry you, and as you're both young they may think that's not likely.

On the hand it may be bollocks that he's invented to avoid long term commitment.

RandomMess · 07/12/2013 20:59

I think it's time to move on, he's not interested.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2013 21:02

I think Judaism follows the maternal line, if I am not mistaken, so you being a convert might not help.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 07/12/2013 21:04

I'm sorry, but if you've been together for three years at 23 he's just not seeing you as his wife. If you've not talked about it already I don't think you are going to. Sorry.

Original poster

yuyuyume · 07/12/2013 21:06

Ok it makes sense. Before I had no way to know except asking his parents (which I cannot do) but the information about the religion is useful.
It was so hard when we tried to break up before. The other issue is some time ago, he met another girl he really liked and we broke up then too. It didn't work out between them and then we got back together. So this is why I started to think maybe it's not because of the religion but just his feelings. Or maybe it is the religion, but he is just staying with me until he finds somebody better and more suitable for his family. So that is really like using me!

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 21:11

The thing with Judaism it's not just religion, it's also race. And yes it's passed down through the mother, although some liberal Jews recognise half Jews as Jewish too (ie with only Jewish father).

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 21:28

That's a slightly lopsided picture, so I should clarify - some Jews recognise only someone with two Jewish parents as Jewish, some recognise people with only a Jewish mother as Jewish, as the line is matrilineal, and some recognise someone with a only Jewish father as Jewish.

To complicate things further, I have one friend whose mother is Jewish but father is not, who does not describe herself as Jewish; and one friend whose father is Jewish but mother not, who does. The former friend is an atheist the latter is liberal Jewish.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 07/12/2013 22:09

I think it is quite understandable that, after 3 years, you are considering whether the relationship really has a long-term future, even if you don't wish to marry any time soon.

All the signs suggest that it does not. The level of opposition from his family is hard to gauge; does he have any siblings? Have any of them got non-Jewish partners? However, leaving you for someone else and coming back when it broke up does not sound very respectful and overall the picture is of someone who is not very considerate of your feelings.

It sounds like you left university not too long ago, and so your horizons have started to expand in lots of ways - jobs, friends, money. I think you have a growing suspicion that maybe he's not treating you well enough and you could do better. If so, I think you're right. There are plenty of girls he can have a 'just casual, can't go anywhere' relationship with if that's what he wants, but it isn't what you want. You may not want to marry but you don't want to exclude the possibility completely.

Your next relationship may not be with the guy you marry either, but if you stay with this guy you may never know. Good luck!

Bustedmonkey · 07/12/2013 22:30

I don't think he's 'using' you.....he's been very clear to say that he wont be marrying you quite early on. the fact that you stayed told him you were fine with the relationship in those terms.
whether or not you are willing to convert (and whether that makes you Jewish enough) is irrelevant - he has said he wont be marrying you. his reason, whether its the truth or not, is also irrelevant.
if you want a relationship leading to marriage then yes you should leave.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2013 22:37

"I think if you convert it counts as being in the maternal line."

From a religious perspective maybe yes, but not from the perspective of race and heritage, so not really.

According to my Jewish born friend (female, married to British male)

My friend also said (and she is not orthodox at all) "the world has enough Jews, the last thing we need is more people" - about conversions. She questions the logic (and sanity) of anybody converting to a religion and a race so ridden with problems.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 22:45

brokenhearted I'm not suggesting that your bf was wrong, far from it. I was just trying to explain to the OP that Jews interpret Judaism differently.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2013 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 07/12/2013 23:32

It's time to move on. The religion thing is irrelevant . He broke up with you for someone else!!! Don't ever be someone's second choice, my love. Tell him it's over. That might make him keen... but I think you should stick with ending it if it does. Nobody's second choice.

DistanceCall · 08/12/2013 00:57

"She questions the logic (and sanity) of anybody converting to a religion and a race so ridden with problems."

Wow. I wonder what people would say if someone said that about Islam.

DistanceCall · 08/12/2013 01:00

And by the way, Jewishness is not a "race". It an ethnic group. There are Ethiopian Jews and Yemenite Jews and Sephardic Jews and Ashnenazi Jews (all of whom are regarded as "real" Jews by even the most orthodox criteria), and genetically they have very little to do with each other.

Calling Jews a "race" is Adolf-speak.

DistanceCall · 08/12/2013 01:04

Oh, and even Orthodox Jews accept converts. The thing is, they only accept converts to THEIR version of Judaism (as opposed, for example, to Reform Jews and Conservative Jews). Most versions of Judaism will accept converts generally, though.

The thing about discouraging conversion: traditionally, it is said that anyone who wants to convert should approach a rabbi and will be refused three times, so that the potential convert can prove that he/she is serious about it.

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