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Original poster

Saying bad things in arguments

17 replies

SusieSusieSheep · 07/12/2013 11:25

Do you ever say bad things in arguments without really meaning to? For example "I hate you" - is it ok? Does it mean that you actually hate them?

OP posts:
akawisey · 07/12/2013 11:31

I've said things I don't mean in arguments, yes. "I hate you" can mean any number of things, just as "I love you" can.

meditrina · 07/12/2013 11:31

I could take "I hate you" - because it is still a sign of a passionate emotion.

I'd have for more difficulty with the the milder "I don't like you" as it sounds so much more considered.

But different people have different thresholds for this. It would depend of course on what you were arguing about (and hiw often). And the only measure of the impact comes from the hearer. If they are deeply hurt (and especially if it is not the first time it was said) then behind the pyrotechnics might lurk a colder dislike or contempt.

akawisey · 07/12/2013 11:32

Someone has said that to you, right?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 11:33

I try not to say anything in an argument simply to cause hurt or offence. An argument is a difference of opinion, not an excuse to hurl insults. If I was to say 'I hate you', I would therefore mean it.

Aeroaddict · 07/12/2013 11:34

As an adult, no I don't think it is OK. It probably doesn't mean that you actually hate them, just that you feel it at that moment, but it can't be unsaid once it is said.

akawisey · 07/12/2013 11:35

I agree meditrina. I only Hmm told ex H I hated him twice in our 20 year marriage. This was in relationship therapy because I was so distraught. It didn't have half the impact upon him then, as telling him I just didn't like him any more post-divorce.

SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 11:35

The more my DP says i hate you the more i dont listen. We don't argue much but he will say it because he thinks it hurts...not at all. I know he doesn't mean it and that he will be telling me he loves me again in 20 minutes.

However I have once said I hate you two to him and it was a total4 hour meltdown over it.

Original poster
SusieSusieSheep · 07/12/2013 11:36

No... I said it to them.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2013 11:36

I proposed to my hubby right after a ding dong of an argument. We were sat on sofas as far away from each other as possible and watching telly in frostly silence. I looked over at him and thought he was such a wanker but even so I couldn't possibly bear to be without him so I walked over, went on one knee and proposed! Not exactly the romantic proposal I'd been planning on at the that month on leap day but it proved to be based on reality rather than romance.

I do get very annoyed in arguments and used to shout then storm out. As time went in I realised it changed nothing and learnt to wander off if I was very angry and then come back with bullet points to talk through when I returned.

Tbh though, hubby isn't the type to snap like I do otherwise out relationship would be volatile when there were moments of discord. I thank goodness we are very different people when time get tough (but I still think I'm right to confront and solve rather than ignore and bury my head in the sand!)

Casmama · 07/12/2013 11:39

This is why I don't argue- I can't accept that things said in an argument are not meant. It seems like a get out if jail free card to say I lost my temper and didn't mean it - I still heard it and can't unhear it just because someone decides they didn't mean it

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 11:45

We don't say unkind things to each other because we love and respect each other (and I'd class this as an unkind thing to say). Neither of us likes drama or aggression.I think most relationships are more volatile than ours so I don't know what help this is to you.

Lazyjaney · 07/12/2013 17:11

Everybody does at some tine in their life. IMO anyone who says they have never said something they didn't mean, in the heat of an argument, is a saint or a liar.

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 17:16

anyone who says... is a liar

Ha ha! I love how you keep stating as fact things that just happen to be par for the course in your experience.

BohemianGirl · 07/12/2013 18:11

Some people on MN wander through stating they have never had a fruit shoot, shaved their pits, taken an asprin , raised a voice, blah blah blah - they must lead dreadfully vanilla lives. It must be like living in an emotionally devoid cocoon quite possibly ProzacLand or ValliumVille.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 18:17

Vanilla? There's a massive difference between getting angry and picking someone up on an aspect of their behaviour or arguing a point passionately.... and resorting to name-calling and other verbal abuse. Not doing the latter doesn't make anyone emotionally void, just a decent human being with some self-restraint. Hmm

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 18:20

Nah, not ProzacLand, just grew up around too much shouting, sulking and nastiness and it's not something I want for me or my children.

TheRobberBride · 07/12/2013 18:38

FWIW, I have never had a Fruit shoot.

But I have said some terrible things during arguments with ex H. And he said awful things to me. It wasn't good. It was a sign of loss of respect on both sides. We couldn't come back from that.

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