Long rant...

[Hulahooploopytunes]

Me & H have been together 18yrs (married 9yrs) & have DD 16, DD 13 & DS 7, our relationship has been very bumpy. We've experienced a lot together, grown up together really and sometimes I wonder if we're still together because it's easier...he can be an arse (shouting, derogatory comments) we have differing sex drives which results in him sulking like a child!

We both work FT - he is a shift worker & recently promoted, I work Mon-Fri in a stressful job.

I earn more than he does, I don't make an issue of this as our wages go into the family pot but he belittles my job saying it's not that important, telling me I put work first (I'm sure I don't, but there is an expectation that I work late once a week)

I have been having some health issues which doesn't help as I'm often exhausted & in pain.
I feel that I am resposible for everything relating to our lives, all housework is my responsibility he does 'help out' but not consistently, I get my DS & H stuff ready for them everyday before I go to work, my girls pretty much do their own but I do theirs occasionally. I organise all bills money food etc for us...

I just feel like our lives are about him, the children always come first but there is an element of if he's not happy we struggle to be - this has got better over the years but there have been really bleak periods where it's almost like he's catching up with thought processes - my job is related to children & families - I have learnt & changed the way I think over the years. I can look back at my life experiences & learn from them but he just can't?

His father has poor mental health sometimes I am concerned that he has similar symptoms which he strongly denies.

I feel lost in the busyness (sp?)of life - running the kids round to their activities/social life, managing the household, keeping Hs libido satisfied (and spectacularly failing I'm told most of the time!) work related pressure & a constant list of stuff I haven't done!

Read that back and it's grim there is also a lot going on in my wider family and they all look to me to help in some way.

I need to say that we do laugh and have good times but I feel myself shutting down and coasting a bit - every time he kicks off I shut him out a bit more this results in him pushing for more attention from me and I resent this as if he could just be a bit more understanding we would have a good life

Phew feels good getting that out of my head...I don't know what I hope to achieve posting on here, your views are more than welcome as I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough & at other times think I'm doing my best and most of the time I'm just confused!!!

Sadly your life sounds very familiar to a lot on here. It is so frustrating when you know that you're not happy with things the way they are, but you don't have the energy to try and change it, you're banging your head against the wall trying to get someone else to take some responsibility.

Don't know what to say except to try and take some time for yourself, do things that make you happy and stop defaulting to taking care of the others if there are things they could be doing to help.

You sound like I was....
Are you happy with yourself and who you are now? A strange thing to ask but my life wore me down until I wasn't me anymore iykwim.
Let your dh know how you feel, how unhappy you are and be guided by how he responds... If nothing changes, are you prepared to carry on like this indefinitely?
More questions than answers in my response I know, but maybe some food for thought.

I think it's a shame to waste a life waiting for someone to become a decent human being. If a stranger off the street made nasty comments about your job, sexual techniques and then expected you to run around picking up after them, you'd tell them to get lost.

You're clearly very strong, resilient and optimistic. I'm guessing your natural refusal to give up when the going gets tough makes you good at your job and is what sustains you in your personal life. But that same dogged approach is probably contributing to your ill health.... stress & unhappiness manifest as physical illness very easily.... and I wonder if friends have made the same observation & you've posted to see if others think this is bad enough to 'LTB'.

Do you daydream about him leaving? Being wiped out in a freak accident?

Can you afford a cleaner? Or some help at home with the running the kids around? It might be a practical solution for getting some head space and time. Although that is only true if it is someone really reliable. Perhaps it might help him visualise that you are doing two jobs. Personally I think Cogito probably is spot on. My own feeling is it is so much easier when you are the boss, no bloke to make you feel bad, compromise for, work around etc.

Do you have sex with him when you don't want to?

You get your H's stuff ready just like your child's every day? How sexy. Who wants to have sex with their child.

What does he do?

You can do more and more until you are actually wiping his arse for him. It won't ever be enough. He will still put you down to make himself seem the better person.

He is an adult & get his own stuff ready & share the domestic responsibility. So can your older children. I've learnt that people can only treat you a certain way if you let them. You can't make them change so the only answer is to change yourself by becoming more assertive & stop looking after EVERYONE all the time. Your job is important & you need to believe that. If you change your attitude your family can either choose to change too or possibly have a tantrum & storm off (DH) but that's their choice. Stay strong!!

Thanks for your replies, yes I do day dream about leaving him...some aspects of life would be a lot easier but...there's always a but! He does majority of child care (supervision of children if I'm honest) & there are financial implications to splitting.

I've been trying to be more assertive as your right that I wouldn't allow anyone else to treat me the way he does...I'm respected at work because I work hard and am very passionate about what I do.

Over the years he has changed a lot but I suppose I'm getting fed up of 'teaching' him! Then I feel bad he's an adult I shouldn't feel this way about him...

I can't afford a cleaner right now but plan to get one later next yr, the girls could do more I'm reluctant to ask them as he does so little does that make sense...probably not!

I'm going to keep on standing my ground & trying to not let his moods impact on me as he makes the choice to be a grumpy git and I've accepted I don't have super powers that will ensure he is always happy!!

Again thank you for your replies...yes the two friends who know my life have both (in a very diplomatic kind of way) suggested I LTB - I'm still quite tied to our shared history he knows me inside & out (which is not always a good thing!) and although I day dream about life without him I'm not sure the reality would be as good as the dream!

Cailin - yes I do he doesn't force me but I do sometimes think it'll save an argument tomorrow - although this is something else I am doing less & less - my health issues cause sex to be painful so he has had to accept I can't satisfy him as often!

EQ2 - my thoughts exactly - he's like my fourth child most of the time! Definitely doesn't get me in the mood!

The midwife - this is where I'm at at the mo - being true to myself & the priorities for our DC - he is not liking the new me he accuses me of wanting a fairytale life that is inn achievable - thing is I just want a supportive relationship and don't think that's a fairytale!

So is it fair to say that if you refuse sex he punishes you with an argument the next day?

Not a fairy tale at all! A normal modern relationship where both people work!

Sex isn't about one partner satisfying the other. It has to be mutual or else its not sex in a loving relationship anymore.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and immature. Why should you get his things ready? He's a grown man fgs. Does he know that sex is painful for you? Because if he does and he still insists on having it then he is just horrible.

I suspect him belittling your job is his own insecurities being projected onto you. Its no excuse, but he maybe feels like you earning more than him is a threat to his masculinity. I am sure he's not that bothered when he's spending money though.

Life without him would be better than this. One less person to organise, no one telling you you are less than them, no sex unless you want it.

If you think he would really listen to you then try to talk to him, explain how you feel. But my guess is that he really won't take it on board because to change the way things are would be too much work for him.

Spot on wannabe just listened to another tirade of how shit I am...tried to get him to see life from my point of view but he just can't :(

I'm guessing your kids heard that too?! It's more than being a bit grumpy isn't it?!

They didn't hear it as it was on the way home from shopping, but they have in the past...yes I know he's controlling & emotionally abusive my work means that I am well trained in all aspects of DV...hard for me to fully accept though...as it is for anyone!

It's the same as many have posted on here in as much as he isn't always like this - it's like he has PMT!
I honestly believe that because we grew up together & haven't experienced growing up in the way many do that he is emotionally very delayed...we have been parents since we were children ourselves & have done a good job of raising our children (I'm very proud of that too!)

Yes our children have heard us arguing but they also hear us discussing it & making comprises after and working to change...problem is it's often me that initiates the discussion after!

As I said in my op there is a mental health condition that runs in his family and despite his denial he does show traits...the time has come that I need to make a decision and I'm struggling to do it...partly through fear that it could tip him over the edge and I do love him...ultimately I love my DC more so that's where I am at...keep trying and see small changes in him or make that very scary & final decision to go it alone

To me, facing a life with a man who treats me like shit would be a scarier prospect than going it alone. I have been there, I took the leap and when I finally did it, it didn't really feel like much of a leap at all!

You are already organising everyone yourself, while working in a full time job that's stressful. What do you need him for? Childcare? Your oldest is 16, I was babysitting from 14, I am sure she could help you out with ds, or after school clubs etc.

Please do not sacrifice yourself and your life to this man using the justification that he may have a mental illness. It doesn't matter what reasons he has for treating you this way, you deserve better. You cannot fix him, you cannot make him see. And its not up to you to drag him through this life. You have already said you feel you have had to teach him, well, who was teaching you? He wasn't even supporting you!

I am sure that you come across cases of horrific DV in your job, and maybe you feel that your husband isn't ”that bad” but he isn't ”that good” either is he!

No he isn't and that is sad as we could have a good life...exhausted is how I'm feeling