Pregnant and feel completely alone (VVV long)

[thelostartoflistening]

I have never posted before but am a long term lurker.

I am 7 months pregnant. The father of my child left me as soon as I told him the news. He really wanted me to have a termination saying this is going to ruin his life, but I just couldn't, so here I am. We were only together for a short period of time (a bout 6 months) but I do really love him and it is heartbreaking that he has left me. We actually work together in quite a small office. No one at work knows that he is the father of my child as he wanted to keep the relationship quiet as he was concerned about how it would look as he was my line manager. It is really difficult seeing him and interacting with him everyday and it is not made easier that I am harbouring "a dirty little secret" i.e. my baby. He seems so ashamed of me, he gets really nervous when we are out together in case we are seen by colleagues.

A couple of weeks ago, work had a night out which I obviously didn't want to go to. On the following monday there was loads of gossip about how my ex had being flirting madly with a new girl who had just joined the office and how jealous he got when anyone else tried to talk to her. Apparently they left together. As you can imagine I felt like someone had stabbed me repeatedly in the stomach and heart. I felt awful. I confronted him about it and he denied that anything had happened and that the office were just a bunch of gossips. He said he just walked her to the bus stop and that he wouldn't be that stupid as to get involved with someone else from the office. He said that if it ever came out that I was pregnant with his child, if he had done something with this new girl he would look like a massive cunt and he would not want that.

He has said some quite hurtful things to me like I am just "piece of a person" and that I am dopey.

I can't really quit work because I need the money from the maternity pay. That is the only reason I am staying. There are other problems too. My ex from about 10 years ago also works there. He was extremely possessive of me and controlling and it is really hard also being in the same space as him. I do get on with some of my colleagues but I have also had issues with bullying. My team leader basically abuses her position and repeatedly puts all her workload in my tray. She screams and shouts, throws tantrums and is just very volatile and aggressive. There are some quite young people there (late teens/early twenties) who give me funny looks. I'm quite an introverted person anyway but the stress I am under has probably made me more quiet - this was once picked up on by a guy who works there he started making a big point about how quiet I am and it made me feel so undermined and useless.

Another issue in my life is my mum. I have always felt like she doesn't really care or listen to me . My dad is very verbally and emotionally abusive and mum always sides with him. If I tell her how I feel, like I don't like the way she or my dad treat me, she tells me it is me who is being abusive, that I "used" to be nice but am not anymore, that I am mentally ill, that she doesn't care what I think. I know it sounds a bit counter intuitive to do so, but I asked her to come to one of my anti natal classes (the one about the birth with all the gory details). Since I told her I was pregnant our relationship seemed to have improved slightly and as I am not with my ex, she agreed that she would be my birthing partner. Anyway, at the end of the session, she tells me outside that she doesn't think it is appropriate for a mum to be present at the birth at their granddaughter. I was absolutely devastated as I just heard all this stuff about birth and now I don't know if I will have to do it all on my own. I also felt a bit stabbed in the back by mum for telling me this literally right after hearing all about the birth and everything. If she was having second thoughts, would it of been nicer to tell me more gently?

My life seems so shit at the moment. I am so terrified of the future. I feel I Have no one to turn to. I feel alone and scared. I am under so much pressure. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading. I really just needed to get it out of my system.

Poor you.
I gave birth alone accidentally and it was really fine.
You need to stop covering for him at work. This is a work issue as your performance will likely be impacted by working with him and keeping this secret. Ask for a meeting with HR and tell all.
Did nobody at work know you were dating for 6 months? How could you accept being his dirty secret?

The father of your child sounds like an arse and although I understand that you love him now, but him not being involved is a very good thing. Do you really want to be with someone who is unfaithful and calls you horrible names? Why are you protecting him now? You owe him nothing.

I don't know much about maternity in the UK but can you take maternity leave and try to find a new job before you have to go back? Your work place sounds horrible.

Do you have a friend you could ask to support you in the birth? I have done it for a friend of mine and I was very happy to be there for her then, and whenever she needed someone to share with in the first years.

I second asking a friend. I also don't DDR how your boss can get away with this. Somebody who knows employment law needs to advise.

Firstly sorry you are going through a shit time & with no support.

My ds is nearly 2 & his dad has never wanted any part in his life, he too told me to terminate.. I chose not to as I felt it would be something that I would regret & find hard to live with. Your post strikes accord with me because dd's dad was my neighbour & so I had to see him on regular occasions
He also wanted ds to be a secret.. That was probably the hardest part for me. He was very emotionally cruel to me during my pregnancy & once or twice quite abusive. I lived for many many months hoping he would change his mind & come around to the idea, I had feelings for him for a long time.
I didn't really realise how all this was damaging my mental health. & my self esteem, my breaking point came when he moved a new gf in & I had to lay there night after night hearing them have sex (we lived in flats)
I don't remember much about about those few weeks because it's a bit of a blur but I had a breakdown. The months of pretending I'm ok, putting on a brave face & trying to convince myself I was the lucky one & he was losing out had taken it's toll... I was broken. So scared I was going to lose ds the one thing I'd fought for & meant the world to me. Luckily I had lots of support from friends & family & within a couple of weeks myself & dc's were moved away & starting afresh.
Best thing we ever did... My advice is as much as you hope & want him to be a Dad, you'll never force him. Not even when the baby comes.
Look after yourself & your baby & get some distance between you & the dad... To have your child rejected is soul distroying. Good luck

Please consider Home Start, they have volunteers who come to you and support you, they have family groups that you can take your baby to when your baby arrives, the volunteers are all parents themselves that just want to give another parent a helping hand. They have them in every area of the UK, it's a lovely system. Good luck

You deserve so much more happiness than this. I agree with the other posters that you do not need to cover for him, you owe him nothing, getting this off your chest at work would make you feel better. It looks worse for him that others in the office have acknowledged him flirting with this girl, he's behaving inappropriately.

You have extra rights at work during pregnancy, too.

Sorry about your mum. Please make sure your midwife knows how you are feeling. Tell her you are afraid of being alone at the birth and your fears about labour in general. Might it be worth looking up a doula in your area?

It sounds like an awful situation. I would take maternity leave, look for another job and never go back. I presume you are going to make the father support your child, through the CSA if necessary? It doesn't sound like he is going to be involved on any practical level, though I suppose that might change when baby is born.
Do you have any female friends you can ask to be a birth partner, preferably someone who has had a baby, but if not, anyone who will unconditionally support you. You will be better off without anyone prone to being unreliable or playing mind games (your DM!)
You sound like a strong person, you'll probably feel miles better the day you can walk out of work with the intention of never going back.
New baby, new start.
and make a rule never to get involved with a colleague

I am only staying in work for the maternity pay I will receive after my baby is born. I have no intention of going back.

I have a couple of friends I will ask about being my birthing partner.

I feel under so much pressure at the moment, like I am going to explode. I also feel like such a loser. Writing all that down and rereading my life just sounds so fucked up. I feel like I must be a really bad person to be treated so badly.

No, you are not a bad person. You are a good person who has been treated badly.

OK so if you have no intention of returning to work that will solve the problems of your bullying team leader and your ex from ten years ago. At 7 months pregnant you can't have too much longer to stick it out. In the meantime, you really should stop covering for him at work. He obviously doesn't care about you so why should you make life easy for him? You get to leave your job and look after his baby single-handed, and what happens to him? Sweet FA. Don't let him get away with it.

As for your mum, she sounds like a pretty hopeless birth partner at the best of times. Forget her, forget your ex and concentrate on making a future for you and the baby.

Once you've left work and you can get on with making some plans you'll feel better. Speak to your midwife, see if she can put you in touch with some useful support groups.

It is a lot of pressure but you don't have to deal with it all at once.

RatherBeRiding has given excellent advice IMO. Please don't let him get away scot-free with treating you like this.

For different reasons I had to keep my pregnancy under wraps until 30 weeks and it was a complete emotional drain. I had some horrible problems with work on top of that and sympathise with what you're having to deal with.

I think you are trying to deal with way too much here. Right now, I would focus on finding a birth partner and thinking about baby names. Focus on that for a month or so.

I would just forget about your Mum's odd attitudes and create a bit of distance, but not too much. I'm sure she will be very lovely to her grandchild and you may need some help with the baby. I do hope you have your own place? BUT if you spot your parents ever saying anything abusive to your child in the future, get your kid out of there.

In a month, let everyone know that your manager is the father of your baby. Then you'll only have a couple of weeks left. Maybe imagine a few scenarios of how you will do it, and his face! Does he plan to support you in any way? Is he planning on having a relationship with the child?

Mostly people treat other people badly because they have been treated badly themselves, or drug/ alcohol addiction, or a personality disorder - not because the other person is bad at all. Don't blame yourself! You may have learned a high tolerance for people who treat you badly, so try and spot the signs in future. Does this person REALLY care about ME?

Do talk to your midwife about your situation (even if you just print out your first post and show that to her) and how you're feeling too. She will help, and can put more support in place for after the baby is born.

Try doula uk for a birthing partner. They offer financial assistance for those that can't afford it. I was single throughout my pregnancy and ended up having a homebirth with the help of a doula and it was overall a good experience. If your mum is going to be anything other than rock solid, I wouldn't think she would be the right birthing partner anyway. My mum is a great support to me but I would never have had her at the birth. I think she would have made it a more stressful experience.
I would agree, let everyone know he is the father. What a bastard. If he doesn't want to be a part of your lives though, leave him. He is the one who will lose out then your baby can make their own decisions when the time comes. Thank god you don't have much longer at work. Then you never have to see any of them again.

I'm sorry you've been treated so shabbily but I think trying to keep all this to yourself and protecting this man is mistake. You've done nothing wrong. 'Tell the truth and shame the devil'.... i.e. talk to your employer and ask for their support. If people knew the way he'd behaved, he'd be sent to Coventry & not you.

Tell everyone.

If he's scared of looking like a 'massive cunt' then maybe he shouldn't behave like one.

And once baby is born get the fuck out of there.

Although once the news comes out there might well be a change of manager for you which might make things very different for the last couple of months and it might become a nicer environmnet.

OP, I'm going to say something that might seem a bit harsh but I hope will help. I think you should really examine what you feel for the dad of your baby.

You say you love him - but he's a really poor excuse of a man, partner and father - what exactly is it that you love? He's one of life's nasty, selfish twats. You only knew him for 6 months. I don't think you knew the real him. I think you love your idea of him. He's shown you that he is one selfish bastard. What sort of man puts his feelings before the needs of a pregnant woman? The woman pregnant with his child? I tell you what sort - a terminally selfish waste of a breath. Forget him. Do not harbour hopes of getting back together once the baby is born.

I would tell one person at work that he is the father, near the time you are about to go on ML, and may be tell them they can let the cat out of the bag when you leave. That way you don't have to face the inevitable questions.

Get the stupid idiot who likes to make a big deal of you being quiet to one side on his own and tell him to mind his own and shut the fuck up. He'll be so shocked I bet he won't say anything again

As for your mum, being charitable she may well be overwhelmed by the responsibility that is being placed on her. Whatever. But the bottom line is you need to make a new rule - if they don't make you feel good, if they put you down in any way, or if they let you down, then they are OUT. Think of it this way, if they don't contribute positively then you dump then, because you have to protect yourself for the sake of your baby. They either shape up or fuck off.

Take it one day at a time. Try not to worry too far into the future and focus on your lovely baby that is about to arrive. Soon you will have one beautiful little person who you will be the whole world to and everyone else will just seem unimportant secondary.

I am so sorry you are in this situatuon.

From a practical point if view, are you sure you have done everything you need to at work to make sure you get your maternity pay? If your line manager is the father and he's trying to cover this up, I would want to be sure HR/Pay etc have all been informed of the pregnancy and maternity leave dates etc. Normally you would do this through your line manager, but in your case you can't trust him to have passed the information on. PLEASE CHECK.

Good luck with your pregnancy, birth and with your baby. You can cut the lot of them loose in such a short time :)