How to kick the resentment I'm feeling

[Mystory]

First thing first let me just say,

I know what I'm feeling is unreasonable
I know my life is a lot easier compared to many
I know I'm lucky to have a supportive partner

To clarify - I don't want to be told I'm a bastard, I know I am I want to told how to stop!

DP and I have 3 children

DP works, I am a registered Carer for DS1 who has a chronic genetic disease (don't want to out myself!)

Ds3 is a year old - I have suffered with really bad PND since he was born and AND towards the end of a really difficult pregnancy where I was left wheelchair bound, in hospital in constant chronic pain, all my dignity stripped from me.

DP went back to work when ds3 was 4 months, he's a contractor and between us we decided he would work in our local town rather than the usual 3-4 hrs away.

He works long hours! he had deadlines to meet.

After a discussion about how hard I was still finding it he changed the hours to be 9-5.30 in the office, overtime is at home. This was a big change it meant I could rely on him to be in at certain times.

(My PND and anxiety is greatly worsened by lack of routine so we though this would help)

Now for the silly bit!

I have always had a real problem with how different our lives are, DP gets fancy meals out ever day, friendly banter all day in a warm office etc etc, I get scrubbing toilets, laundry and nappies :(

DP is very successful In his chosen field of work and gets headhunted a lot. He earns well and I'm very grateful for how well he provides for us.

This is why I hate the resentment I feel, I hate that he's out having lovely meals when I'm at home unable to eat at all because DS is being troublesome.

I can't go out and work, I can't be reliable enough due to DS's medical stuff, I do a few bits of voluntary work at home but they always come last in the pecking order.
I can't shake the feeling of being DP's poor, simpleton add on that is just a small branch off of his fantastic career.

I want to stop feeling like this, he hasn't done anything wrong, it's all in my stupid, mind.

I do have a social life, I see a few people I feel fulfilled in that respect.

I don't know how to make it better but DP says he's feeling punished for having a job and he can sense the resentment, it's made me become I affectionate and distant. Whatever I try I can't kick it!

I haven't seen a GP about my problems, I've taken many years of fighting to be taken seriously by medical professionals who all seem to label me because I was in antidepressants years ago.

Does anyone have any coping strategies or tips?

I think you should cut yourself some slack....

and get medical help.

You're a bastard.

No really you not, I feel like this on a daily basis and it's horrible as I'm
not sure about you but it makes me think maybe I really am ungrateful and horrible!

I think when a partnership doesn't feel equal ie your DH is having all the fun while you're slogging away it's hard not to feel resentful. My god we can't be expected to be saints can we!

What I try and do I rant and rage and think all the bitter, mean things I can and then drop them and focus on picking up the nappy that's it been pulled off and flung across the floor because 'ohhhh look what I can do now' even though I know where are already 30 minutes late or 'filling up the tippy cup that's been thrust in my face'. Repeatedly. Try and focus on the very now and laugh. Keeping a sense if humour is key for me.

Especially when cleaning up the flung poo. Suffice to say I had a sense if humour failure at that one. It's allowed sometimes.

Also remember that life can change in an instant and you never know what could happen. It's easy to lose focus of this when you're stuck in a bit of a rut.

I had a great job I loved and really struggle with the transition with DP is out and about. His job is very social as was mine. I've become a reclusive hermit but I know it's only while they are small.

Hope this post isn't too rambling I wanted to answer in between dinner making and toy tidying!

Also is DH supportive? It's easy to get down when they aren't playing ball the way they should. If this is the case you need to have a conversation about getting more help for you during the day.

He's very supportive. See I am a bastard!

Thank you though for being kind.

I'm hoping it will get easier as DS3 gets older, he's in the stage of the circle of destruction where as I remedy one mess he's made, he's making another elsewhere!

I'm also a bastard, I gave up on dinner and let him do it. He normally does it anyway but I'm sending him on a two hour errand at least. He works full time and just got in.

Don't beat yourself up, it will pass, things never the same do they. They can't.

Dante's 8th circle is where the self perpetuating mess lives...

Good luck and try and keep sense of humour when everything is going tits up. It really does help!

You're not a bastard.

I have a job like your DP's (travel, dinners, longish hours).

See here's the thing. The travel actually is shit, the early starts are rubbish and if I won the lottery I'd give it up tomorrow. The long hours - well it pays well and they aren't that long.

On the flip side:

The office banter thing is true - it isn't always a laugh, but it can be (I work from home a lot through choice, so I probably appreciate the time in the office a bit more than most). The meals out though, I do enjoy, even (especially) the solo ones on business trips. Nice meal, someone else paying, got my Kindle and don't need to compromise on the restaurant?

If your DP is as supportive as you say, could you not arrange to do something similar (if anything like me, might have to be cheaper) in your personal time. Nice meal out with wine with your friends? Or get dressed up and go for cocktails?

You're not a bastard at all.
What you are feeling is normal for anyone. You are trapped at home, when presumably you would like to have a work life and be able to go off and enjoy nice meals and so on.

Does he ever treat you?
Does he ever take over you and send you away to enjoy yourself on the weekend or holidays?

Surely you could get people in to help you occasionally with DS1 and give you some relief. Caring for someone full time is very demanding. Professionals do it in shifts.

I know somewhat of what you may be feeling. My dh has a job that requires international travel. Not all of the time, but he has been to Hawaii 5 times and Japan 4, Norway, and many other trips. Then he does not want to travel for personal vacation, or take vacation time at all for that matter. The only place he will make the out of job effort is to his parents home, 500 miles, so he has to take time off for those trips. So going to the ils is my vacation (quite a stretch on the definition of that word!).

We have 3 dc, and two are in college/university, so vacations are now out of the picture anyway.

I do feel resentful. Jealous, perhaps. At times. But I know it is his job and that is where our money comes from. And his regular day in day out routine at the office can drive him bonkers so the trips are a relief for him; as well as giving him a higher level of satisfaction with being fulfilled in his career (as opposed to just warming a chair 9 to 5 iyswim). He makes a difference. I am proud of him.

I know that I am in charge of my attitude. And this has been key for me in not letting this fester. It takes self-coaching to stay positive about it.

I hope you can find a way to shift your mindset about it, Mystory. You are a part of his success by keeping the household running smoothly. He definitely would not be able to focus on his work and be nearly as successful and on top of it, if he had to worry about the children, appointments, groceries, chores, etc.

Try not to think about the details of his 'fancy meals', try assigning them to a new category of 'working lunch' which is what they are.

Also, being a mom is a thankless job, that is just part of the territory. But it is also one of the most important jobs there is: raising the next generation should never be taken for granted.

You're not a bastard, not at all. You're of as much value in 'team family' as your DH is, please believe that.
I do understand however about feeling resentment that DH gets to do the fancy meals etc...

Could you maybe arrange for him to take you out regularly or look after the Dc so you can head off for a few hours to do your own thing?

If your DH earns so much money, why are you scrubbing toilets? If his working hours mean he can't do so much at home, why doesn't some of the money he's bringing into the family pot go to hire a cleaner, au pair or other domestic staff? Let you do other things that are more stimulating? I'm a lone parent with a reasonable income and that's how I keep my household running smoothly and my sanity intact.

Echoing others thoughts here - you are not a bastard! Your feelings of frustration are entirely understandable.

But how to stop feeling resentful? Look at your situation and think about what could be done to improve it: as Cog says, a cleaner might help take the strain a lot, or at least bring someone into the house who understands how you feel and works alongside you. Yy to evenings out with friends too, or a (half) bottle of champagne, just for you, to celebrate getting to the end of another week. And do try to address the situation you are in with you dh, and come up with solutions without comparing yourself to him. Comparing ourselves to others, even our dhs, almost invariably makes us feel worse, and leaves that niggling bitterness inside which can eat away at you. It's easy to think that "If I was like X, things would be better" but you are not X, you are you! So instead focus on yourself. "If I had more X or Y, I would be happier". Then chat to your dh about how you can make those things happen.

You win in my opinion.

Why?

Is your husband able to chat on MN? NO! You win