Ex (who cheated) wants me back after I've moved on

[1983mummy]

So my ex had an affair for a year. During that time I became depressed because our relationship was awful (I now know why!). But our family time still was great. My ex was never the best husband, but we had this amazing friendship and contentment.

After our split we tried counselling, he then withdrew and strung me along. And continued his friendship with the OW.

After too much effort on my part and nothing from him, in fact he was a bit dismissive, along with a number of pathetic arguments, we naturally went our own way.

Seven months after our split I go to London to meet a friend and meet a chap on a night out. Obviously the two hours train ride made me think it would just be a bit of fun, but it's actually turned in to a bit more and I'm having feelings for him. Despite the distance we keep in regular contact and know so much about one another. He's made me so very happy. He made me see my ex in a different way.

That is until a few days ago something happening in the family that brought us closer together. It didn't make my feelings for him change, but it has his. Now he's asked if we could spend more time together as he's missed me a lot. I said that things are different now for me. He then said sorry, shouldn't have brought it up.

I think this is his way of saying he wants me back?? Thing is what do I do??

And tell your friend she can have him?

He has shown you what type of person he is...believe him.

He is an ex for a reason. Please don't go back you deserve better.
This is all on his terms. Some reason he feels lonely and you will fill the hole for now. But it's only for now....
I understand your desire to try again and have this perfect family unit but you deserve so much than him!

I think your friends have been watching too many romantic movies.

I can understand how it would make you miss a family unit but in reality, you're probably missing the family unit you had when you were ignorant of the realities.

The reality is, if you got back together you would never regain that innocence and ignorance of how he treated your marriage.

One snap of his fingers and he's got you dooming your new relationship and signing up for a rerun of a failed one. Except this time it would be so much worse because you will have proven to him he could do anything and all he has to do is let you cool off and all's forgiven.

The new relationship may or may not work out but you and your husband never will whilst you allow him to hold such sway over you where all the concern is about how he feels. You are going into things on an uneven footing from the get go where his opinions and feelings matter more than yours. It won't make you happy because you can't repress your feelings about how he treats you forever.

What you miss is the relationship you had where you were in the dark while he was sticking his privates in some other woman laughing all the while that he had it made. You keeping house and washing his socks and her giving him the ego boost.
He treated you like shit and you became depressed because nothing you could do was good enough for him.

Re-read what you ended you first post, your feelings didn't change but his did.
Examine what you really mean by that.

Do you mean you wish you had never split up and you would welcome him back with open arms and forgive him anything and be happy if things reverted to how they were?

Or do you mean you still love him but realise you can't trust him and although you wish you had the idyllic relationship you thought you might have had in the beginning things went wrong and that was mainly down to him as he broke something that is impossible to get back?

Its fine to pine for the relationship you thought you had but that is not reality and still isn't now. He hasn't changed as he has asked you to do all the running while he is still in the position of power to really hurt you. You can make declarations of love and totally and radically change your life for him only for him to potentially turn round and say he meant you should be better friends. Ignore your friends they didn't live through it you did. He hasn't actually made any concrete declarations or put in any effort he has just cast out his line and you are lining up ready to take the bait. Shows no incentive on his part to be a better person or husband.

The reality is, he seriously damaged your mental health and still is by the look of it.

Thank you so much for all your support ladies. You are all right, but where do I find this inner strength? The fact it's Christmas makes it harder too!

When you think of Christmas do you envisgae a happy family opening presents and eating lunch with no tensión whatsoever, or do you picture one family member quietly wondering if they really can trust this person this time, have they made the right decisión, will the other person really change?

I know which one I would prefer. And you can have that without a lying cheat grinning at you like the cat that got the cream.

Was there a Christmas after you'd find out he'd cheated and you were trying desperately to make it work? When you were making all the effort, he was being distant, dismissive, argumentative, & you were wondering every time he picked up his phone if he's still in contact with the OW?

Because that's what your Christmases would be like.

OP You'll do what you want to do, whatever the wise words of MN say.

You know if you get back with DH it will end in tears (yours, obviously), but maybe that's what you need to do.

Then you'll get over the heartbreak of that, and he'll appear again and reel you in again, and perhaps you'll even get that other DC you want, and then he'll mess up again and you'll separate again.

And then he'll appear again (at another of those family events or when he hears you're getting your life back on track or he's got no one better to fuck) and you'll take him back so you can all be part of that wonderful family unit. Then he'll have another affair.

And then...

This is how some women spend their life. Maybe you're one of them.

You are going to let him mistreat you again, aren't you ? Just 'cos it's Xmas. For God's sake, find your Big Girls Pants. You have a mind of your own, don't you ?

OP, my stbxh had an affair. He is now pretty much living with the OW (he moved back in with his parents when I kicked him out). We are amicable for the sake of the children.

Yes, I miss certain things. I miss the person I thought he was, I miss the laughs and the shared jokes, etc. But he constantly tells me he wishes things were different; he wishes we'd worked out; he loves me; he misses me; he thinks I'm beautiful...

I've no idea why he says it.

I hear it and think "God, you're pathetic". He's a weak man who doesn't know his own mind and I very much doubt his now-gf would be happy if she knew some of the things he says to me!

He is a silly selfish man who seems intent on screwing over as many people as he can!

And yours sounds no different.

I don't even know why you're considering it to be honest.

Well fast forward and my ex hasn't proceeded with anything, so I assume that he couldn't have been interested.

I'm now at another crossroads. My ex still pays generously into our account each month and we have remained amicable and when I needed help with something yesterday I called upon him.

I've realised now though that whilst I can forgive him I can never forget, I can never give him a clean slate, however I need to tell him this. I feel that I need to set myself free.

I'm obviously going to do it after Christmas but I wondered what the best way to handle this would be?

I'm also casually seeing train guy. Do to commitments in our lives I know nothing can come of it and neither of us want a relationship, but I feel that I should tell my ex that I'm seeing someone out of respect in case he finds out himself. Is this normal?

Why on earth would you want to tell your Ex about a casual relationship out of respect or anything else for that matter. Its nothing to do with him, you have split up.

Unless you are doing it to try and stimulate interest from him?

Sounds to me like you are still hoping for a reconciliation and you haven't taken much notice of the good advice you have been given here.

Put yourself first and try and move on without looking back.

I am not doing it to stimulate interest from my ex at all. This new chap has made realise what I want from my next partner and my ex is not that man.

But I just don't want to piss him off as he still has access to our account and has a key to my house. I also don't want him to do anything stupid as he has become quite fragile - I feel this tremendous guilt because I am the opposite - quite strong now

You are making up excuses to engage with your FW Ex. No you do not need to tell him anything.

Tell him nowt.

His fragility is not your responsibility.

Why do you feel guilty?

Also, what do you mean he's paying 'generously'? Surely he's paying his whack and no more?

Why's he still got the keys to your home?

You are still looking for reasons to engage with your ex

You owe him nothing

When will you understand this ?