Support and or advice please

[jessB1980]

Ive been with my partner for ten years and we have 2 children, things were good to begin with, he left his wife and older 2 children when he met me. I have a pretty good relationship with them. Our relationship has been bad in parts for a few years now, his family stopped talking to me 3 years ago after a petty unimportant argument and this has caused a lot of problems between us as they have said vile things to me and come between us many times and he just lets them, he blames me for everything.
Its made worse becaues we live right near them, i moved away from my family and friends to be with him (they live half an hour drive away). I was very lonely so i made a decision to start seeing my friends again when my little girl started school 2 years ago but he went mental accusing me of allsorts when really all i'd done was have a couple of drinks and the occassional meal with them (i have male and female friends). It got so bad i stopped seeing them apart from my best friend and just kept in contact on facebook. The fights have been getting worse, he hit me once when i'd been for a drink with a few friends and he pushed me recently. For example his sister bought the kids some holiday clothes and they were completely the wrong size (2 sizes to small) so i asked for the receipt to change them and it caused a massive fight, his sister saying im a f*king bitch, him screaming in my face saying im f*king ungrateful and she took the clothes back off the kids and didnt even change them, so it was left to me to explain it all. Hes screamed and swore at me loads of times, he threw all my clothes out the wardrobe at me in front of the kids, its got to the point now where if we fight my 6 year old girl comes and cuddles me while i cry, i hate it that my kids have to see this.
Hes also still married to his ex with no intention of divorcing her! we got engaged 5 years ago and ive just stopped wearing my ring now cause its just a joke, he has no idea how upset it makes me. I feel he has no respect for me at all and i now avoid disagreeing with him on anything cause he immediatly gets defensive. Hes called me a bitch, slut, whore, evil cow etc and he constantly goes on about our house being a shithole (i had a big op on my back in feb and cant do a lot of housework but it always gets done and i try my best).
I just feel incredibly hurt and alone and im seriously thinking about ending it after christmas but im scared of hurting my kids.

There's rarely been a clearer LTB thread on MN!
Get out now.
Pack and leave with your DC and go to your family and friends for support.
You are suffering abuse in every single form and so are your DC.
Get them out before this is all they know and continue the cycle!
Sorry but no-one on here is going to give you any other advice based on your OP.
He's hit you and pushed you and it's now time you got out.
Call Women's Aid and they can help you make an exit plan.
They can also reassure you regards the abuse you are suffering on a daily basis.
So sorry you are going through this but get out and things will certainly improve for you.

its got to the point now where if we fight my 6 year old girl comes and cuddles me while i cry,

but im scared of hurting my kids

You are hurting them more by staying than you would by going.

I don't mean that to sound judgemental (I was guilty of staying with an abusive man much longer than I should have, knowing that I was doing my ds no favours at all), but you need to accept this simple truth.

You know what you need to do. Good luck

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time, OP. I'm sure there are things you love/loved about this man but nothing can make up for the terrible things you have listed here.

If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you this way. It's as simple as that. You could continue to live like this, but you know that you won't be happy. Much, much more importantly than that, this is very damaging for your children. For their sake (emotionally, psychologically and potentially physically) Get. Out. Now.

Others that are much wiser than me will have practical info to help you do this. For now, bridge the gap that's been created (by him) between you and your family & friends. They will want to help you.

Please don't hesitate. Do it now.

Good luck.

Hi, why are you still with him? What advice/support are you hoping to get here? Why would anyone with any self-respect allow anyone to treat them so appallingly? What do you feel is the best / right thing to do?

Would you like to explain exactly how you think it is better for your children to stay in this dreadful atmosphere, watching their mother get knocked about and screamed at and things thrown around? Do you think this is a healthy environment for them? What kind of man do you think your dear little daughter will be looking for when she grows up and starts to date? What does she think daddies are/should be like? Staying "for the kids" in this situation makes no sense at all.

(I'm not surprised you get on ok with his not-ex wife and older children. They probably bless your name for taking him off their hands.)

Oh Jess :(

That sounds hideous. I'm not a regular on the relationship boards, have just started having a look around this morning having separated from my partner of 6 years (we have 2 DDs) last month. But I tell you what, my exP sounds nothing like your DP, in that mine was never abusive/ mean and is ultimately a good man. I still came to the decision after a lot of thinking and deliberating that it was better for us to be apart than for DC to see us bickering constantly. And it was bickering and arguing, not fighting or him blowing up or anything like that. But I still felt that DDs have a right to see a healthy relationship or none at all. And that I had that right also.

Imagine in 20 years time your DD being stick in this scenario. What woukd you advise her to do/ what would be your reaction? If I thought my Dd was in a relationship like yours I'd be utterly desperate trying to get her out of it. I bet you would be too.

This is exactly what i was thinking i just needed to know i wasnt over reacting etc thankyou so much for all the replies so far and your honesty, its like a big hug and a wake up call. i met up with one of my friends (in secret) yesterday (i hadnt seen him for 18 months) we just had a coffee and a catch up but it was like a breath of fresh air, ive been so alone. thanks again xx

I'm sorry you're in such an abusive and dysfunctional relationship. Obviously killing yourself would solve nothing. Worse, it would condemn your DCs to grow up being looked after by this horrible apology for a human being and his appalling family.

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They can help you get yourself and your DCs out of this situation safely or, if you're not quite ready to go yet, give you information and advice that can start preparing the way.

Good luck

Do you have any RL support? If you decided to leave would you have somewhere to go? Have you considered contacting Womens Aid or consulting a solicitor?

ps in reply to rosiecheeks2 i think ive just been stuck in this relationship and hes worn me down, both my parents live abroad so its very hard when i have no one to go to. i do realise now ive been very stupid and i need to be brave and do the right thing for me and my kids. thankyou x

I want him to leave, ive paid for almost everything in the house and i cant afford to start again, he works full time and could move out but i think he will be awkward about it as the house is rented in both our names. I will think about contacting womans aid, thankyou for the link x

ps his ex and older kids think he walks on water, hes a totally different person when theyre around (puts on an act in front of everyone) x

Jess, just want to wish you all the very best. You at least know what is the right / best thing to do. Believe in your own worth and start putting yourself and your little family first.

Thankyou rosiecheeks2 its is much appreciated x

It's good that you know what you have to do, Jess. I appreciate that it won't be easy but there will be moral and practical support here for you. All the very best.