Witholding contact

[Blondie1969]

i appreciate i am a dad on a forum called Mumsnet but advice to both mums and dads who post seem to always be rational.

I am at wits end with ex (separated 18 months) and i have looked after y children (aged 6 and 10) 50 per cent of the time in that period.

There is letter from ex's solicitor stating that ex is happy with contact arrangements dated mar 13.

In the divorce petition (from a month ago ex has stated in the box for children we have agreed contact time for children).

Yesterday she sent a text stating that the children were in non uniform today and she could drop off uniform (dirty) thurs night after she finishes rainbows (approx. 7pm) or Sunday at 11pm (clean)

Without thinking too much as I stated thurs evening was fine. Later approx. 2pm I realised I had xmas party with work so when I saw her at school (for youngests nativity at 2:30) I said Sun would be fine as I had xmas party,

She then said uniform would be dirty and I said not a problem I would wash and tumble dry. Suddenly after nativity she said I would have to be late for xmas party and collect from 4pm from her house or buy replacements

I gave her the following options
• She could drop off after rainbows and I would leave window open
• She could drop off as Sunday as she originally agreed
• She could leave in church and I would pick up over weekend (I am in church twice over weekend)
• I could meet her at school playground this morning when she drops kids off
• Or she could hand to mutual friend at school playground
• Or I would buy replacements

Apart from the rainbows one where she would have had to drive 5 mins in wrong direction to pick up. The others would not mean any deviation from her plans

As I did not give in to being late for xmas party (and said i would buy jumper and cardigan to prevent reoccurence) she has now texted saying that from Monday the children will be with her Monday to Friday and she will arrange for the children to have tea one or two evenings with me.

I have had a number of text exchanges but she is adamant that the children are with her during the week.

So what can I do. I do not want to be a dad/parent who is allowed access to his children when ex feels like it. What next?

I’ve not run off or set up home with anyone since we separated. I have seen my kids for half the week since July 2012 .

When ex does not get her way I am punished.

The last thing I want is an argument in front of children on Monday evening at school. But I do not believe its in my children’s best interests for the children not to continue seeing me and for them to see me being involved in the mundane things (baths, taking to school etc, collecting from school). The more she has them the more I believe she will margianlise me out of their lives. (i am also upset that on monday ex knew i was going to take daughter to see Hunger games).

Has anyone else had contact held over them like this. I have read in the past that even people with alcohol or drug issues get overnight contact with the children during the week.

any tips or advice appreciated.

Oh she had an affair. I'll withdraw my sympathy towards her now

You're handling it brilliantly. She is being revolting.

I agree. get legal advice and get the residence sorted. this situation is not fair and it's not working.

Ok. Had a one phone call with ex yesterday which at the end i came off thinking she was doing what was best for the kids.

I then had an hr to ponder and realised that her "issues with my parenting" were either non issues.

ie she came up with more evidence (she says she has four pages) of my bad parenting.
One example was that i took the kids away camping for a week and they never showered. That confused me as i took them away for four days and on the second day it was raining and we went to swimming pool and they had showers and hair wash. Day 4 we came and they bathed.

She says the diet is unhealthy. I did not reply to that as I knew that argument would not stand up in court. ie she is currently still allowing me to have them for tea on Mondays and Tuesdays and tea on the weekends i have them so if that is a valid argument from her why is she still allowing me to cook.

It came across that she thinks my change of plan to rearrange time last Thurs was an impromtu night out. Unfortunately for her i have the evidence showing it was arranged in middle of October.

She tried explaining to her best friend yesterday how i put a night out before sorting kids clothes and children and her best friend walked out the house. Her best friend has seen me leave parties early in last year so kids could be in bed at reasonable time.

My solicitor is going to speak to her solicitor today to try and find out the "extent of the evidence" but as ex will not contemplate mediation even though I have offered to pay for it it looks like court it is. Ex has re stipulated that if i do not have the children at hers for 6:30 then i will not have the children for Xmas as originally planned.

Once again thanks for advice.

When dds reach teens/secondary school they will probably find it easier to settle in one home during the week and another at weekends. Weekdays will be the school routine and weekends will be 'social life'. They will be going to school and back on their own, going to friends houses etc and won't want to have to negotiate their social life with their parents. It's likely that ex can see this coming up in the future as dd is 10 and will be starting to display independence already.

Perhaps forward planning with ex, taking a very long term view looking at all the options will help alleviate the mutual resentment that's going on. Ideally a meeting with trusted observers would be ideal.

It might not be such a bad thing to be the weekend carer, you get to do the fun things. Perhaps that's your strong point - otoh you might be the best weekday carer if you have better routines etc. You both should be making decisions based on what is best for the children, not what's best on a piece of paper signed months ago when you separated.

Once you have agreed you should formalise it with a legal agreement to give everyone more security and make sure you both stick to it but review it every year or so, in conjunction with the children.

Forget what I said - if she won't accept mediation my suggestions are pie in the sky! Court it is then, but be careful what you wish for - 50/50 shared care may not be in the childrens best interests.

OP - well, she's just charming isn't she?

From now on I'd go e-mail contact only (that way you have a better record of what has been said) and I'd consider going back to court.

Keep staying a neutral and polite as possible - don't rise to her bait (really, honestly, picking you apart because you used "can" in stead of "may" and accusing you of dictating...) ignore the jibes and don't jibe back.

Hope it's sorted out soon.

happytalk13 - There is no worries with regards to rising to her bait. I would have done it long before now. I have not used any inflammatory language or tried dictating anything in last year. whereas i do have evidence of her emails and texts being very hostile. Since january i have covered myself that anything we have agreed to i have followed up with a text so there is evidence. A couple of times earlier in year we agreed to something and then she went back on refusing to admit to oral agreement.

wonderingagain i understand that shared care exactly fifty fifty may not be on cards. As you say eldest will soon want to do her own thing but I do want to be involved in daughters life during the week if possible so she can see me interested in helping with homework, taking her to activities.

I also would prefer that the children do not grow up thinking that dads are just there for the "fun activities". ie i want to daughter to expect that a man/dad should be interested and want to do the "boring things" as well as fun stuff.

I do understand that whatever is agreed should be in childrens best interests. Do i understand childrens best interests any better than ex? Who knows? Appreciate no one reading this thread will be 100% sure of whats in childrens best interests as they are only getting my side which may be biased. I see other children living across two homes with separated parents happily. The one thing i do not agree with is that my ex appears to think she has casting vote on what is in childrens best interests. And whenever i do not agree suddenly contact is withdrawn.