I haven't written under Relationships for a while but I was the woman who left domestic abuse this summer... whose alcoholic ex was still hassling her friends and family..and police weren't interested... oh and my ex had scared off a new bloke.. and I had to put my pet into boarding etc, had storage probs, was scared of losing friends, was unhappy/bitter about ex's enablers etc(if that rings any bells) re old posts.
I've not updated for a while as been very up and down and oversensitive/ emotional and delayed trauma (post traumatic stress is what my doctor says). I was a bit wary of getting any potential 'harsh' replies on here as I just couldn't handle it although I've had great support in past from here (thank you to all who replied before and it meant a lot)
Now some months have passed I realise I was extremely vulnerable when that guy got involved with me, brief though it was...and it was so soon after my leaving the drunk.. i was still in a daze... I think my ex did me a favour by getting rid of him.. hideous though it was at the time... this 2nd guy showed his true colours and really isn't much better than my ex is. So i dodged a bullet there..
I have stayed single ,and intend to, I'm still staying at my parents, and i'm now finally looking for somewhere to live.. now i've been told what i'm entitled to. I'm hopefully about to start two lots of voluntary work with a view to getting back into paid work before too long.. Next week I start hynotherapy for the nightmares and trauma/ panic attacks and flashbacks. I also go to Al Anon family group 3-4 times a week, which really helps. I still see counseller at the womans centre too. I try and keep busy and see old friends and i've made new ones..
I was also very lucky to be able to visit an old friend abroad for a week and that did me the world of good. I've been on a real downer the last few weeks as I hate this time of year and felt very homesick and a real sense of loss all over again . I've since talked myself out of much of that.. that there is nothing to miss and I have a new life to build. I won't allow myself to wallow anymore as i've wasted so much of this year.. though i am grieving,.. Basically I have good days and bad days. I have to make one last visit to my old flat to get rest of my stuff (the sentimental stuff) and that should be it. Contact with my ex has been very limited though he can still get through on landline here if he rings from another number (he is only blocked from his own landline). This only happened once, last week, but he was pretty unpleasant and it did set me back for a few days.
A few months ago I was upset I'd lost friends because of my ex. He had been sending nasty messages or making calls to many, to get at me.... however, these friends 'came back' because they eventually learnt who / what he really is and that I'm not responsible for it...he is my EX.. i ran away for good reason... also that all his suicide threats were attention seeking and he's cried wolf too many times. So more people are ignoring him now and not passing messages on to me or mentioning him.. I'm grateful for that, it's a big turnaround. Life slowly becoming more peaceful with less madness and drama.
Apart from.. one friend. My best friend. She's been my best friend for 23 years. Back in August (i think i've mentioned this before) my ex kept ringing her mobile all night and also that of her DP's. He left some nasty voicemails. I think he only ever did this on the one occasion though I don't know 100% but i'm sure i'd have heard if he'd done it again, At the time she reminded me that i'd already lost many friends.. and that I'd definitely lose two more (ie her and her DP) if I didnt stop my ex contacting her. I said I was so sorry he ws ringing her but what could i do.. and only she could report him.. not me. She said I had to talk to the police, she did not want to, it was my business to. I did as didn't want to lose her, and they didnt want to know and told me to ignore it all and to tell her to ignore it and for me to move on as all this keeps holding me back and making me upset and angry all over again. Basically the police said it was all veiled threats and gossip (they've read his emails to me etc) and nothing they can do unless he physically hurts me or others. I can't get injunction unless physical and they said it's just 'words on a screen' (or words on voicemail) and even with injunction that only concerns me, and not him contacting others.
I felt sorry for my friend but also felt she was being unfair and kicking me when i was down (I was having pretty much a breakdown back then) .Also i knew if i talked to him he'd do it worse. I backed off from her as just felt too overwhelmed especially as it was so soon after walking out on my entire life. She was asking for the impossible. Soon after that i started at Al Anon who let me see i was not responsible in any way, not even when i was with him. The illness controls him. .he cannot control and certainly no one else can. Also they say to detach and let him on his own path as it were.. that it's not my business (even when I was with him). And that i'm powerless over alcohol and my life became unmanageable (this is part of the Twelve Steps programme) They said i didnt cause it, can't control it or cure it. And it's now about my Recovery and not his (he refuses help anyway..) My friend would probably say this is just a get out clause and another weak excuse. She despises weakness, basically. So what is she doing? Classic victim blaming? But she was affected, even if it was just that one night.(and a nasty message he left her a year ago) I felt so bad , of course none of this is her fault..but there was nothing i could do. Since she made this ultimatum i have not been in touch because what could i say?? that i can do nothing?? that would just make her angry. She would say i'm as weak as him. I'm not. .i ran away from abuse leaving everything. That took courage.. to do it and stick to it.. (it was the second time i'd left this year.. and absolutely 100% is for good now..i dont want to ever talk to him again.. hopefully never see him again either) Me cutting her out doesnt mean i dont miss her or care. I just had nothing to say as i was so exhausted in every way. HOw can i say to her that i'd solve the impossible. How can i make false promises as I'm scared of losing her and her DP (they were both good friends of mine but especially her ,,,) So i just kept my head down.
Today i see she's defriended me on Facebook. To me that makes it final. She knows the hell i've been through and not once asked how i was. Before august she'd also cut me out for months cos of him. the only reason we'd got back in touch was because i had to deliver bad news to her that an old mutual friend had died tragically/ unexpectantly. So i saw her once this summer but then my ex kicked off again and she delivered the ultimatum. She also said it was all my fault and i was to blame, not him... as i 'chose to meet him in the first place' (wtf??!) and that's what i get for meeting someone on FB. Actually i didnt.. i 'd already met him in real life. .but it was FB where we really got chatting.. he was not a stranger. Also he'd been dry for 3 yrs when we met and stayed dry for another 3 yr.. he only started again in our last (4th) year together. Meeting him was not a bad thing at the time.. he was in a good place..as was I.. we were very happy. No one ever knows what is round the corner do they. eg a teetotaller could become an alcoholic. or someone could at any time develop violent behaviour due to mental health problems.. i've seen it happen to others. She says it's my fault because i took on a 'recovered alcoholic'. Well to be honest i didnt understand about alcoholism then. I just thought it was his past, he'd been honest about it and it was nothing to do with me .Plus everyone deserves a second chance. But not like i knew him back then. Also he did not crave alcohol for 3 yrs and i believed he would never drink again. She said 'well you'd better not meet anyone on FB ever again and you should learn from this and never do this again'. she was so patronising and talking to me like a child even though younger and me and she's made massive fuck ups all her life. She met a man on line, married him to get a green card (when lived in the states) and he developed severe mental health problems and she divorced him after a year. How quickly she judges me...in fact she married two men she didnt even like let alone love, just to improve chances of getting green card., both were quick divorces. All by her mid 20s. And i was there for her! and then she was with an abusive guy for 6 yrs. I flew out to be with her the day he came out of prison! she took him back. How quick to point the finger at me.
I'm sick of being judged , blamed and taking the brunt for this. All i did was love someone i thought was recovered. Many alcoholics and drug addicts do stay recovered.
So, another loss. My best friend. Whom I thought knew me better than anyone. I guess i dont know her anymore.. Now i realise she only wanted me in the fun and happy times and she cuts out anyone when the shit hits the fan for them. She cant handle it . She doesnt have the tolerance. Ive seen her do it to others and now i'm getting it. So maybe this loss is a good thing. But it still stings right now. I miss her. I guess she's fair weather and only friends in the good fun times. Does she have a good point? it's not her fault my ex hassled her. or is it victim blaming also? She cut me out as much as i did her.. but i didnt view it as cutting her out.. merely me being so overwhelmed and not being able to do what she was asking... i was at breaking point again...i just backed off rather than cut her dead, because i could not make her understand why i was powerless.
sorry this is so long.