Worth staying together?

[pamelat]

The only way that I can get all this out as my head is jumbled is to put it quite bluntly. I'm not a blunt person but in our relationship have become like that ...

Together 13 years , married 6. 2 children aged 5 and 3.

Pre children we got on really well but life was easy so I guess most people would.

I found having our first child very very hard. She had reflux and basically it was awful but that was a while ago now and is over but emotionally has left some impact. Gp refuses to say I'm depressed.

Second child all more straight forward. He didn't sleep for 13 months but that's by the by ;) also it's over, or at least the hardest bit is.

At some point, I think between first and second child or maybe early on in second child arriving, DH and I have lost our way.

There were a few bad things, mainly him breaking my trust in him but we resolved them and tried to move on. It could have been worse.

Now I'm the one irritable, detached, resentful, bored.

He's not a bad person. In fact, he's a good person and loves our children fully.

He's been made redundant a couple of months ago and I've upped my working hours. Financially we are ok until September so there is no imminent pressure but he's not enjoying being off (house chores/playgroup and school run etc) and I'm probably a bit jealous of him!!

There's a lot of resentment on both sides. We know this and he's the one who is better at acknowledging it and often says " let's be friends" etc ...

I want the best thing for our children and our family but somewhere it's like someone has turned an "off " button in me.

There's no one else or anything like that .

Although I've found I'm going out more with mummy friends and do enjoy that . He's staying in more :( it's almost like defensively I've made my own life ??? I don't understand why we can't be nice to each other

The things that upset me about him are probably the things that I initially , all that time ago , liked in him.

He says that I'm prickly / withdrawn etc and I am but only when he's there. I almost need to re-"learn that he's my friend . How do you do this?

We have been sat in tonight and he's suddenly left to go out (this is fine with me, I'm quite relieved), it shouldn't be like this ?

It's sad as our older child has asked us to squabble less. She seems to blame him, she said the other day that he says unkind things about me, but I think sadly she's just trying to "side" with me and I don't want that pressure on her.

I think the thing that stands out for me is that he once broke your trust and that you say it's resolved. A betrayal of trust is rarely fully resolved and, if that's the case, it will put a sour note on everything. Like leaving a tiny piece of bramble behind in a flower border when you're weeding, it'll regrow and ruin the effect.

I don't know what it was that he did but I would suggest that it is still the source of resentment. How was this abuse of trust dealt with at the time? Were you expected to forgive and move on too quickly? Was there any self-imposed pressure to 'get over it' against your better judgement for the sake of keeping the wheels on the family bus? Do you think he hasn't learned from the experience? Hasn't suffered the same consequences as you? Do you think his let's be friends behaviour is 'too little too late'?

Do you resent his grumpiness - he was the one to break trust, you have 'put it behind you', but he isn't being kind and grateful as you might have expected him to behave after what he did.

Some really honest conversations needed imo. out of hearing of the DCs, and where neither can stomp off, could help, plan them so that you both can think of what you want to discuss - or relate?

Him being non WOH and you having to do extra hours is likely to result in extra pressure on relationship.

Have you tried the old 'dating' again? Just to try and remember why you fell for him in the first place.
I know when children come along, you kind of have to put yourself into complete parent mode, and that can be hard to switch off.

Could spending time together, away from the kids help, maybe?

Even a trip to the cinema, hand holding again, going for a coffee together to just sit and be you. Instead of being mummy.

Does he say unkind things about you? You implied that you were the one being prickly and he was the one who was trying to be friends.

I don't see that it will get better without some active change, so perhaps counselling together would help. But like others, I'm drawn to the comment on him breaking your trust. Have you really moved on? It may not be possible to.

No I probably haven't forgiven it really but had said I would so I guess I feel it's a bit unfair to go on about it. It's a long story but basically I never got to the bottom of what he did actually do and I guess we've brushed it under the carpet. I don't think he actually slept with anyone else but he had been deceitful and I guess that's just broken my trust.

I didn't think this was about this but thinking of timings it does fit. How blind i am!

He wants to talk . He is sometimes unkind, weight comments etc (I'm a size 10!) and other "jokey" comments but to be fair it's a fairly hostile environment, calmly hostile?!

Just because you've said you want to forgive, that doesn't mean you have to shut up about it, forget about it and never demand the truth. Carpet brushing is always a recipe for resentment and unhappiness. Rebuilding trust takes years, not a quick sorry and everyone move on like it never happened

Frankly I'm appalled that he makes unkind 'jokes'. Someone who respected you and was serious about wanting to improve the relationship simply wouldn't do this. His let's be friends remark rings very hollow.

Pamt, I think I vaguely remember your threads and I posted under another name.

Sounds like brushing stuff under the carpet is no longer working for you, and he is just a bit too comfortable with you having allowed him to do that.

Very common. After the initial "euphoria" and bonding associated with "saving" a relationship, it seems completely natural to me that when the dust settles you start to wonder if you actually got the booby prize after all.

DH and I were a bit like this when he was working long hours and away a lot and I was working p/t and doing everything at home and both felt over worked and unappreciated and were resentful of the other.

I think it just sorted out as DCs got older and his work changed. We should have probably both been kinder and more appreciative of each other.