Get it out in the open or not?

[Nosensenofeeling]

Have name changed so that DH doesn't read this...

Anyway, DH has a track record for being dishonest. He always was dishonest as a child rather than own up to anything and can often be like that as an adult. There's been a few major issues that he has covered up in the past including embarking on an affair (that only got as far as text sex because I found his secret phone). That was a couple of years ago and it took a lot to stay with him but we worked through lots of stuff and I love him and forgave him etc etc.

So, now DH is studying and I have given up work as our financial support is cut down if I earn, plus DC4 is five months old. Suffice it to say, I'm not in a position to leave him and I don't want to either.

BUT, I knew that he was being dishonest about something. He acts in a certain way when he is being dishonest. Sometimes it is for bad reasons, other times it is so that I don't worry about things so he just doesn't share things with me. He always gets withdrawn from me and spends more time sleeping on the sofa or in the spare bed rather than coming to bed with me. He always has a good reason for it - I had a cough and didn't want to disturb the baby etc etc. He had been doing this sort of behaviour recently so I was suspicious.

Now, maybe I shouldn't do this, but unknown to him, I know the password to his e-mails. I regularly check them because I don't entirely trust him. Maybe you'll all tell me that I'm terrible for doing this or that I shouldn't stay with him if I feel I need to check up on him - I'm trying to get my head around that. Anyway, he an essay due in on Monday for his course. First thing on Tuesday, he gets an e-mail saying that they can't open his submitted assignment and he needs to e-mail it to them. I kept checking his sent folder to see if he had sent it - nothing. I've just seen him working on it now. Over the last few days I've asked him lots if he is OK, how his work is going, if he is relieved about handing his essay in, if everything is OK with his studying. Basically, I've given him loads of chances to admit that he needs to re-submit his assignment. He has lied through his teeth about it.

So, now I'm wondering what to do. I don't want to admit that I check his e-mails. I don't know why he hadn't got it done on time or if he had but his file corrupted and he is re-writing it. I also am left wondering what he is doing with his time. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if it is involving other women on the Internet because he is so distant from me. I've tried telling him that he is acting like he did when he was starting up an affair and that I wonder if he is hiding something from me, even if it is just that he is struggling at college.

I am only just turning a corner with my mood post-baby and I am not feeling able enough to potentially be brave and leave him if he can't be honest. Plus, I love him and I just want him to be open with me about everything. Why does he have to be so deceitful? He clearly doesn't trust me either. Such a mess!

I don't know what to say really. It doesn't sound at all healthy. I know you don't want to leave him but what do you want? I expect it's for him to stop lying but do you think he can do this? Did you have counselling after the emotional affair?

Sounds like you've not forgiven him if you immediately jump to the conclusion that he's cruising the internet for other women when it might be something as simple and straightforward as he got his assignment dates mixed up or something.

You say you love him but then talk about leaving him - for not admitting his essay is late??

I think you risk making too much of this without any evidence that it's anything more than a late essay. You say you've had what sounds like PND - well, if he is hiding something (struggling with course or whatever) then maybe he doesn't want to burden you?

And why does he have to be deceitful? Some people just are and if total openness and honesty is vital to you, and he's unwilling or unable to change, then you need to decide if accepting that he will always keep things from you is more, or less, important than staying together and trying to work through these issues together. But just recovering from PND and with such a young baby may not be the best time.

I think it's really hard to trust someone if they've broken that in the past.

My DH has deceived me in the past. I don't think he's ever slept with anyone else but sometimes I'm not convinced and feel that I just don't know him, so I check occasional stuff. It's not a healthy way to live but for me, and maybe you , it's life.

I'd ask about the assignment. I'd say why. My DH knows that I occasionally check stuff and he knows why.