Rebound and ex-boyfriend

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I'm hardly a mum, or a woman for that, but I need to start somewhere. I am fifteen years old and currently doing my GCSEs. Just over a year ago, my one year long and first ever relationship ended with the boy who I thought was the love of my life. He was more or less my first everything; first kiss to first real friend.
I (think) I loved him more than anything, I still do even though I shouldn't. He was horrible to me after we broke up; rumors of non-existing blow jobs along with the usual schoolboy banter. It tore me apart as you may have guessed, and triggered a few problems with myself.
He had a few issues. By that I mean anxiety, causing him to cry on random occasions, a mother hardly double his age who he watched smoke, do drugs and be abused by various boyfriends. He started a relationship with my 'friend' but they broke up recently.
After time has gone by I have accepted how he has problems and he was just taking it out on me; he is still that (not so much in reality) gorgeous, funny, kind-hearted boy inside despite all the things I hear.
I have counseling as things just still aren't looking up for me. I have a new boyfriend who is older but immature. I though a rebound would be the answer, but all it has done is remind me of the old times with my ex. He really likes me and I don't want to lead him on, but I wonder if it is the answer to getting over my ex.

My ex takes up all my thoughts, I even struggle to do exams if he is in the same room as I can't help but stare at the back of his head! I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year but I would love to mend things with him although I'm not the one to do the mending.
I have breakdowns all the time where I'm violent, I pull out my hair and scratch myself. The term 'self-obsessed' is a commonly used phrase among my family and friends. Am I? I haven't felt happiness since.

Any help?

I think you are too young to be worrying about serious relationships, you have your whole life ahead of you, right now you should be having fun and deciding about uni's or college etc. How old is your new bf?
If you haven't spoken to your ex in nearly a year he has probably moved on, sorry if that sounds harsh.

I think at 15 you'd be forgiven for being a little self obsessed. The problem is though you're not, you seem to be obsessed with a man you haven't spoken to for a year. Whilst there is something enjoyable about the intensity of teenage emotions, I really think you'd be best off working on yourself, getting a bit more comfortable in your own skin and only dating people casually for a while.

The new boyfriend is 16, just the year above me. I'm almost certain he has moved one but then why do I struggle to?! The issue is that I want to be getting on with life, going out with friends and doing well in my exams etc, but I struggle to when I can't leave the house without crying at the thought of seeing him. The feelings I had for him were so intense that casual dating just seems so peculiar to me, I was way too young.

He's a "gorgeous, funny, kind-hearted boy" ? Really? He started rumours that you were a slut. That makes him a bit of a cunt, to be frank.

Just because his mother was abusive, does not give him carte blanche to treat you like shit. You deserve better. I hope in time you will see that too.

Ditch the new bloke and concentrate on your studies. And stop giving yourself such a hard time.

Ditch the new boyfriend - "immature" is not a description you use of someone you like and respect enough to have as a boyfriend!
And in any case, you're not in the right place for a boyfriend. YOU need to sort you out, with counselling guidance, not hope having some boyfriend will sort things out.
Stick with the counselling.

Too true, thank you, but I can't help but feel sorry for him as I feel no one else does, like he is my responsibility and he has so much potential that's being thrown away. I shall try to, although I don't think I have the guts to break up with anyone! Thank you everyone I really appreciate it

Whatever's going on in your life, pulling out your hair, being violent and harming yourself is a very disturbing reaction. Not 'self-obsessed' but self-destructive and rather self-hating. Until you are at peace with yourself as an individual - until you are happy in your skin - it is usually a mistake to give someone else a too-big role in your life. It is even more of a mistake to rely on them for your happiness or self-worth.

You say you have counselling. Is it to address this?

You went out with this guy for a year. You are both (in my ANCIENT eyes) still children. You are absolutely NOT responsible for him. Why on earth would you be? He is responsible for his own choices and any 'lost potential'.

You don't have to be with someone if you don't want to. It's easy to break up with someone. You just tell them it isn't working for you and walk away. And focus on your needs for a while. What about YOUR potential going to waste?

"The one that got away" can cast a spell over us, in actual fact you haven't spoken to him in almost 12 months. Your current boyfriend might be a distraction of sorts, it's not fair on him though.

There's a saying on this board, "When someone is telling you what they're like, listen". That can be about words but also, tellingly, their actions.

Isn't it possible that in a fond blur of nostalgia, you are romanticising the good bits, and missing out the manipulative, unkind parts?

Give dating a break, nurture yourself, look outward. What about studies, what are your plans later, do you have ambitions?

Do you have an older sister or cousin, good female friends you can talk to? Counselling can help but it's good to have someone to unburden yourself to as well.

I'd guess you're projecting all sorts of virtues onto this boy that are actually inside you, and may or may not be inside him at all. Ironically, it's quite likely that the new boyfriend has more of those qualities but you can't see them in him because your attention is pointed elsewhere. You say the new one is immature, well he's allowed to be at 16 (I have a 16-year-old son myself and yeah... going on 12 when he isn't going on 26). But your ex doesn't sound mature at all, as I'd define it; more world-weary beyond his years due to his rubbish home life. I'm quite sorry for the lad, even with the way he behaved towards you, but that does not make him good relationship material.

You are a loving, passionate young woman who has a huge amount of affection to give, but unfortunately have got fixated on an unsuitable object. He is the focus of all your fantasies - but as an actual person he's just, well, a boy, and not a very nice one. There may be reasons why he's not very nice but as you have realised, you are not the person who can save him from himself.

It ain't easy to just peel off from one to the next - it can be done, it must be done, but no way is it easy. Look at the number of women on here two or three times your age who can't stop loving an asshole. It's not unusual, but it's so unhealthy. In more cynical moments I sometimes think love is a dirty trick nature plays to ensure we get together long enough to reproduce. The rest of the time I realise there are actually enough nice men and boys out there to keep the human race going, if only we were able to spot and swerve past the bad ones.

I have to say your family and friends sound dreadfully unsupportive.

Oh, didn't mean to contradict Whocansay by saying it's not easy. She's right of course, technically it is ever so easy. It's getting your heart to listen to your head that's the tricky bit.

Suffering for lost love blocks out what else is happening. Although you write here as though you are trapped and unable to move on, adopting a mindset of, "My ex takes up all my thoughts" becomes a form of escape. It gets to be a habit. Other people lose interest, glaze over if you allude to him.

Let yourself get over him or perhaps the exquisite pain of feeling you miss him.

Several different issues here. For a start, you're self-harming and you sound very mentally fragile at the moment. I'm sorry your family are not more sympathetic, self-obsession is a pretty natural condition in teenagers, and it's also a very unkind way to refer to real problems. Is the counselling helping?

Issue 2, the ex.

I can't help but feel sorry for him as I feel no one else does, like he is my responsibility and he has so much potential that's being thrown away.

If you can nip this tendency in the bud right now, you'll have a happier life for it, believe me. What you have described is being a Rescuer. It's a role that women, in particular, are conditioned into - they are encouraged to have compassion, be understanding of others' motives, give people a second chance etc etc etc.

Bullshit. And don't let anyone (esp female friends/family members) tell you different.

Obviously there are times in life where compassion and second chances are good. But they will generally be screamingly obvious. You do not need to waste your precious mental energy forgiving and understanding some dickhead who spreads rumours about you, no matter what a horrible home life he has. You're tying yourself in knots to do it. I'm not sure I even understand this:

he is still that (not so much in reality) gorgeous, funny, kind-hearted boy inside despite all the things I hear.

I'd probably go with all the things you hear, to be honest. Don't project good qualities, or assume that because someone is being horrible on the surface, they must be nice "really" underneath. No, they really can just be horrible.

And you absolutely must not mend fences with him. Be honest with yourself, it would be horrifically painful, because you're not over him. At some level, you probably enjoy the obsessing and the projecting - it's familiar, it gives you an emotional hit, it keeps you artificially "involved" with him so you can cling to the notion that there's still a relationship of sorts there, even if it's a one-sided one. But ultimately, this is a waste of your time, and you can do the difficult, tedious work of changing your thinking pattern to get rid of him from your thoughts. It will be hard and there will be a lot of backsliding (been there) but it really is possible.

Some of this post might be helpful, although it's mostly talking about relationships that have never happened rather than ended ones - the important point it makes is that obsessing about somebody is a choice. And you can change your mind.

As for new bloke, if he's not floating your boat, then dump. Sorted. Nothing wrong with just not finding someone appealing.

If you can, throw yourself into something not-man-related with all the passion and eloquence you undoubtedly have. Voluntary work would look good on your UCAS form (if you want to go to uni) and also helps distract you and make you feel good when you've helped people/animals/pretty much anything. You might as well put all that desire to help to good use for other people/animals/pretty much anything. If you're already doing voluntary work, then do more - something that includes an interest of yours so you can hopefully have fun too.

Your ex will probably sort himself out. Most middle aged people like me know people who crashed and burned but the vast majority of the people who seemed absolutely completely screwed up in their teens and early twenties tend to straighten themselves out by their late twenties. So leave him alone to grow up, he doesn't need you.

Dump the current lad if he's doing nothing for you. He should be showing you a great time and make you tingle inside. If he doesn't then leave him so you are both free.

Being 15 is crap. I felt it was like you are groping around in a pitch dark room for the key to who you are. When you're older you have your life experiences to give you some guidance but at this age it's really difficult because you aren't sure how you should react. On top of which you have the worst academic pressure of your life with GCSEs. I don't think I ever had so much pressure again academically because it gets easier the more choice and love you have for your subjects. I hated it all and I sympathise with your agony.

So try not to hate yourself for the self-harming (which sounds to me like a way of trying to deal with all the stress and misery). I hope the counselling starts to help you soon but you could also contact charities such as Mind too when you need help:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.UqIgFPVgLsc

The counselling more or less was to address this, but the breakup I had with him was almost a trigger for all these other problems and emotions which my counsellor says I have most likely been bottling up for years and years.
Of course I'm still a child but that's what makes this situation so weird, I shouldn't be worrying about losing the love of my life when I've hardly lived!
What I've taken from many of these messages are that I can't waste my own potential on trying to save his and that if this new boyfriend doesn't give me butterflies he isn't right for me, but it's early days so I might just hang on in there, despite the awkwardness.
I agree, I have more or less forgotten nearly all the horrendous arguments and tantrums I had with him and held onto those memories which were lovely and romantic. One of the biggest struggles I've had with this are that I have two older sisters, neither of whom have had a serious relationship (or any relationship at all) and the majority of my friends are gay! Whenever I mention it it's "get over it", which, yes, I need to, and like you say people get bored of it, but it doesn't half damage my self esteem.
Many of you have turned this into almost a biological thing; how women naturally want to feel loved and needed and all in all it is just about finding someone who is tolerable and, of course, he really is just a boy. It is terribly hard to control my thoughts when on the surface I want to get over him, but deep inside I want to keep it forever and ever.
The advice you have all given me is incredible, I think I shall save this as I have never had so many lovely people give such motivational and thought-triggering advice! Thank you for the links some of you have given me as well. I couldn't thank you all more time is a great healer and I shall be on the path to university with a stable frame of mind soon.

There is a good argument for an Extended period of recovery so you can study.

You are busy tonight, dude