Cannot forgive this...

[lemmingcurd]

STBXH has told the DCs "mummy wants me to leave the house and go back to X (his home country)", this comes after 3 hour discussion today about how we were going to tell them and me saying how important it was to tell them properly, together when we were both ready. Result? DD1 now wants to go back there and sees me as unfair whereas before she wanted to stay where we are now. Sorry if this is making no sense , but to cut a long story short STBXH has gone and done the 1 thing I asked him so many times not to do, i. e. involve the DCs (9 and 8) in something they shouldn't be involved in , oit of spite

DD was probably taken aback and reacted in shock. If you have been here some time you no doubt have a stable family environment, I presume at 9 and 8 unless you are home schooling them they have settled into school here and have their routines and friends. From now on I hope you can both talk to your DCs together.

I don't know the background but do you have their passports somewhere safe, is he liable to snatch them?

Can you put it to them that they will see lots of Dad still, there will be lots of holiday time and during term-time, Skype? How far away is your STBXH's native country, any chance your DCs can travel as unaccompanied minors? If the school holidays are different from British holidays it need not cost the earth. How often were you imagining enabling them to see him, half of school holidays and a weekend a month or something? Maybe the DCs will cope better if they know you and he are putting plans into place.

it doesn't seem to matter how much positive spin I put on the future, STBXH undermines it all with constant negativity and guilt tripping, in front of them. Now he's playing Superdad of course, when before he was always snappy and far more interested in what I was doing than the DCs.

He has shown that he cannot be trusted with the DCs' feelings & will put his own spite ahead of their welfare. He will be hurting but this is inexcusable.

Get cold with him OP, no favours, no more discussions just be businesslike & stop considering his feelings or feeling guilty (if you are).

Get solicitors/CAB involved & get the practical stuff sorted. Don't put up with any shit from him.

Explain to your DCs how their life is likely to change, tell them that daddy is saying wrong things because its a difficult time & you are both upset but that there are reasons why you can't stay together. Reassure them & let them know its not their fault & that you love them.

Have already got solicitor involved but unfortunately his actions yesterday have completely ruined my plans for the DCs. They now want to go back to his country rather than staying here, which means they'll have to go back and stay back, I can't keep moving them around. He is such a weak person.
We have already booked to go back there for Xmas. I will have to share a house with him for the next 2 weeks and put a brave face on it for the DCs sake. Don't know whether to go for separation agreement initially or just serve him with divorce petition in thr New Year.

You are the mother and they live with you. They actually have no say where they live, it's the decision of the resident parent.

If it goes to court, it will decide on the status quo.

Personally, I wouldn't go on the holiday or allow for the children to go. Too much a risk of him not allowing them back. I think that's what his antics were about.

Of course faced with the prospect they will say they want to go. And then they may want to stay where they are now.

You do have to impose yourself on this one.
And make sure you hold the passports.

If country X has better weather, education and housing......which is better for the kids?

They're children, they've got no idea where they want to live or what the implications are. You can't move country based on the whim of a child who has been manipulated by their father. You're the adult, you're in charge.

I'm sorry your husband is being such a nightmare.

Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws, any chance of talking to them and enlisting support? What kind of parent has he been in the past, hands-on and fully involved? Or is this for show and a way of making you hang on? Is it an EU country?

Does he really want the kids to go with him?

Donkey my rel with ILs is completely non-existent, they literally refused to speak to me when they found out we were goingvto England. Insular doesn't even come close. He does really want to take them yes, but I think he is seriously underestimating the probs that will result. Dd2 is not even 3 yet and incredibly clingy towards me.
It is an EC Hague convention country.
He is a hands- on father and to be fair gas improved greatly since the oldest 2 were tiny, when he was basically a complete arse.
I'm still not 100per cent sure of the way forward but a decision has to be made ASAP because the situation is intolerable.
sorry for typos

I'm not a lawyer so really don't know what to suggest. If you had the DCs in your STBXH's country and they have lived there since birth I would be very nervous about going back there for Christmas. He was evidently willing to move over here with them, was it less than a year ago?