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Original poster

What's the longest you have not had sex in a relationship and it's survived?

26 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 05/12/2013 17:17

DH and I haven't had sex for 18 months.
A terrible second pregnancy followed by a terrible sleeping baby have contributed a lot but since DC1 was born things had really dwindled anyway.

I'm breastfeeding and both DH and I find this off putting to sex. I know that may seem odd to others but it's just how it is for me. I'm not willing to stop BF to have sex, even though DD is 10months - and DH wouldn't want me to stop for that reason either, I'm sure.

Anyway, I'm very happily married and DH seems happy too. We have sort of accepted that when life moves through the stressful young-children bit we will resume our romantic lives together. I have no reason to suspect he is cheating on me although I know I'd probably be last to know

I just wondered if others had been through this and it did turn out ok. It nags at me that time is ticking on although I have no sex drive when breastfeeding either so I'm not frustrated, iyswim.

Just for background we've been together 10 years. DS is 2, DD is 10mo

OP posts:
Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 05/12/2013 17:18

And obviously it just seems that everyone else in my circle of friends are back to normal sex-wise post DC

OP posts:
dramajustfollowsme · 05/12/2013 17:22

Very stressful pregnancy, bad tear in labour and non-sleeping child meant we didn't have sex for about 20m.
Tbh, we were both too knackered to be bothered! We both had previously very high sex drives but now it is just grab an opportune moment. They don't come along too often though!

Ennistonblue · 05/12/2013 17:27

No idea, but our children are similar ages, and I can count on my fingers the number of times since dc1 was born. Once they are sleeping better and we are not exhausted the whole time, am hoping it'll pick up again. Definitely nowhere near normal here, if that is reassuring.

Have you any other reasons to be questioning whether your relationship will survive? Maybe I'm too blasé - just can't imagine having the time and energy for much, with a baby and a toddler!

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 05/12/2013 17:29

No I don't have any other reasons to doubt (other than a few issues about my father cheating on my mum after 22 years)

OP posts:
Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 05/12/2013 17:30

It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one

I'm lucky if I have the energy to jog once a week, shave my legs and brush my teeth!

OP posts:
tiredlady · 05/12/2013 17:32

I had a terrible 3rd degree tear after ds1. He wouldn't settle and ended up in our bed every night. All in all I was physically in no place for a sexual relationsip
There was no sex at all until we started to try for ds2 about 18 months later.
That was 13 years ago.
We survived. There is more to a solid marriage than sex

MrsBungleScare · 05/12/2013 17:33

18 months here! Crap pregnancy and birth. Neither of us could be bothered, too tired. As the kids get older it's getting more often again. Our relationship is great. You're not the only one! X

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/12/2013 17:37

About 2 years. A problem pregnancy followed by a prolapse & co-sleeping with a restless baby all added up to no sex for ages.

I'm sure it's not as uncommon as people think Grin.

Ennistonblue · 05/12/2013 17:57

This is all very reassuring for me too! Xmas Grin

PoppettyPing · 05/12/2013 18:04

I'm totally experiencing the breastfeeding=no libido thing too, OP. Sex is like, the last thing I feel like doing these days. It's only been 3 months since I gave birth but it kind of nags at me too. Our relationship is fantastic and my DH is lovely and would never pressure me to have sex before I felt ready, so I think we'll be just fine and don't see why you wouldn't be either.

BelaLugosisShed · 05/12/2013 18:08

It's very normal to have little/no sex life with pregnancy/babies and very young children, if a relationship can't survive this, it's not a relationship worth having.

What is important is maintaining intimacy and making time for one another, it's easy to let babies consume your every waking moment .

Monroe · 05/12/2013 18:15

I think we went about 12 months. Like others it was pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and exhaustion related. And even after that it was only about 3 times in the following year.

Our youngest is now 3.5 and even though it is no where near as often as pre children things are pretty much back to normal.

I used to feel really guilty as if I was depriving dh despite having no libido at all and I told him this. He was great, really supportive, never pressured me once and reassured me we had the rest of our lives to have sex once the mind numbing tiredness passed. We still kissed and cuddled and held hands so we still felt close
But without the pressure for there to be anything more

BMW6 · 05/12/2013 19:11

DH and I haven't DTD for about 3 years. Both mid 50's, but menopause wiped out my libido and DH has lost his too.
We have talked frankly about it (still do) to make sure both OK with the situation, both still physically affectionate.

Be both were very highly sexed when first got together, I would never have believed we would lose the urge entirely!

As long as you can discuss it and are both OK I really wouldn't worry about it.

firesidechat · 05/12/2013 20:21

6 weeks between birth and postnatal check up, but we absolutely would survive if it was longer.

As someone else has already said there is more to a relationship than sex, but I do think it is important. I would say that it is only an issue if the couple differ greatly in their view of what is acceptable.

hermioneweasley · 05/12/2013 20:23

About 6 months

Sex does matter though - it's the only thing you should only do with your partner and it's very bonding,

firesidechat · 05/12/2013 20:27

Oh and for a bit of context we've been married almost 30 years.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 05/12/2013 20:28

This has made me feel so much better. We have had sex - I know EXACTLY as it is so rare: 7 times since 2009. Two babies - both co slept. Still breastfeeding the 23 month old - and I had a bad tear, all adds up to loss of time, libido and confidence. I hope we get it back, but at the moment I am too knackered to care. I would never tell friends about it though as although I am really open about loads of stuff I feel really ashamed of this - as if my marriage is not vital - although I am in ,lvd with DH.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 05/12/2013 20:29

in LOVE with DH. That read more like LIVID - freudian slip!!???

Preciousbane · 05/12/2013 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ARealPickle · 05/12/2013 20:33

Fed similar here but husband had the low libido. Often threads seem to suggest leave rhe bastard if you ask though.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 05/12/2013 20:35

Just under 10 years, unrelated to birth or bf (we restarted after 3 weeks and kept going 2-3 a week).

Got it going again after DW's sleep apnoea went and DD turned into a rational human being.

Both 53.

Never stopped talking or cuddling, and one marvellous day the U-boat alarm went off. I nipped to the GP's for that prescription and there was much rejoicing.

chirpchirp · 05/12/2013 20:37

A little over a year, sick constantly through pregnancy and then the usual exhaustion of having a new baby/breast feed/co-sleeping. That was a couple of years ago and although we're not as active as we were pre pregnancy we make time fairly regularly.

Don't let it stress you out, life happens, sometimes things have to take a back seat.

stickysausages · 05/12/2013 20:40

Um.... 4 weeks after birth...

It's important to me, DH has quite a high libido & I like to feel connected to him. Pre baby, longest was probably 3 weeks, which was far too long.

I can sympathise with physical problems, but a sexless marriage is a bit like having a lodger to me.

Highlypatternedchangemat · 05/12/2013 20:50

I had an incredible sex drive in my last pregnancy and we had sex several times most days for the full 9 months. Since the birth seven months ago we have not had sex once. The contrast is rather extreme but we are both totally exhausted and neither of us have any libido at the moment. This is our third child and its always taken about 9 months to get back on the horse (so to speak)

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 05/12/2013 20:51

5 months when living in separate countries. We have not done the baby thing together yet, with XP he didn't like the lack of sex but we split up for other reasons.