Namechanged for obvious reasons. Split with XH a couple of years ago, he was not a nice man by the end. Very EA and physically threatening if not actually hitting me.
I've just started therapy to deal with how uncomfortable I feel around him during handovers. My skin literally crawls and I feel like I regress into myself.
I want to give a brief history of our entire sexlife to try and gauge whether it was normal or not.
I'm now in a happy relationship that bears no resemblance other than my wish to please (which is something I'm working on and something my current partner would never exploit).
Sorry if this gets TMI, there may be potential triggers too.
So in the early days, honeymoon period, we were both very young, lots of sex. He had lots of issues with PE and I was very understanding even though often unfulfilled. He enjoyed giving oral so that became a routine of oral for me, sex for him. All fine. But the odd bit about this was that if I said stop at any point, because it was uncomfortable, or he was in the wrong place, or he hurt me, he wouldn't stop. I would have to physically push him away and he would push back. I put it down to over enthusiasm. This always stayed. Even when I explained something hurt he would still do it the next time.
I don't know if it's relevant but on our very first date (we had mutual friends), he didn't turn up. When I called him he said there was no point as he couldn't stay over. I was very taken aback because as far as I was concerned we were only ever having dinner together. 6 months later I found out that at the beginning he was still sleeping with someone else, She dumped him shortly after we got together. But we were young (late teens) and my self esteem was zero, so I carried on.
Anyway, it all carried on in that routine until I lost a baby at 15 weeks and got very down. He retreated from me and after a year I left him. I got together on the rebound with someone else a month or so later, we were together for 3 months before I left him (very much a rebound and nothing more), a month or so later I got back together with XH. He considered my sleeping with someone else whilst not together cheating on him, and used to go on and on about how I had betrayed him.
This was when the night came that I said no and he did it anyway. We were having lots of sex, I would now say there was quite a bit of hysterical bonding involved. One night I didn't want to. I was tired. Work had been hard. I actually said the words "no I don't want to". He told me I was teasing and joking, climbed on top of me and did it anyway. I didn't say anything or protest again. I didn't want to make a big deal. I didn't want it to be an issue.
A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. I used this as an excuse not to have sex with him. We got married even though he often threatened to leave me because I'd "cheated" on him. When we did have sex I never orgasmed with him. I didn't trust him to stop if I asked him to. Our sex life dwindled to a handful of times a year.
I have a high sex drive but I didn't trust him. When we did do it he would still do the thing where I would have to struggle to push his hand away if he hurt me.
The year before we finally split, whilst trying to give our dead-in-the-water marriage one last push, we discussed how to improve our sex life. We said we'd do it more, he said I could trust him to stop. This led to a humiliating night which was out last ever time together (9 months before I left him) where he decided to introduce spanking. I'd had a few glasses of wine and went along with it. I froze when he started. Couldn't move or say anything. Very odd. Was terrified if I told him to stop he wouldn't and that would be the end of our marriage. He hit me for more than 20 minutes. The blood vessels at the tops of my legs burst and I was visibly bruised. I cried throughout which he says he didn't notice.
He described it afterwards as the best sex ever.
A lot of this I think can be argued as me not being assertive enough, so how could he know I didn't want it? I didn't say no to the last thing, but it left me feeling assaulted.
I can now say that when I said no and he did it anyway that was rape. Not scary violent rape, but quiet trust-destroying rape. Made worse by the fact that I ever let him touch me again.
I feel like I let myself down. I let my body down.
I think I've reclaimed myself now. But I hate how I feel like a victim when he walks in the room.
I have got a therapist now, but I'm not sure how much I can say. I don't know how to improve things.
Was this normal? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?