So who's being unreasonable here?

[CrazyOldCatLady]

I'm learning to drive. I had my test yesterday and had asked DH not to tell anyone as I didn't want the pressure of people knowing about it.

I failed (I panicked because I was sure I was doing so badly that the tester must be wondering what the hell I was doing even attempting the test, and made one stupid mistake - as it turned out, if I hadn't made that mistake I'd have passed. Kicking myself!).

This morning DH said to me that I should ring SIL because she'd be waiting to hear how I did.

If SIL knows, the other 11 adult inlaws will know too, which is exactly what I had told DH I didn't want.

I'm upset with DH for telling SIL when I had specifically asked him not to (and he had agreed not to). I was embarrassed enough at failing when I thought no-one knew but us!

He says he's sorry that I'm hurt, and he knows he shouldn't have told her but he doesn't really see it as breaking a confidence because 'he didn't say it in a gossipy way, it just came up in conversation'. He said he knows I didn't want anyone to know, but now that it's done, it's surely not so bad? I said I did see it as breaking a confidence, and he shouted at me to fuck off, and stormed off himself.

AIBU?

No.

He is being very unreasonable. He owes you a big apology the big mouthed git. And as for telling you too fuck off.....

No....I have my test coming up in a while and will be telling no one. My dh would never blab it about - but then, he's an unsociable sod and never blabs anything about anyway.

I can see why you're so annoyed, and I suspect he realises why too, and told you to fuck off because he knows he's in the wrong.

At the same time though - it really isn't the worst thing in the world either.
In a year's time you won't care about this....so it's not worth going to war about. xx

He does owe you a big apology though. x

Sorry you didn't pass OP, better luck next time!

It sounds like your DP either didn't really grasp that you privacy was very important to you with regard to the test and genuinely didn't want anyone else to know about the test; or he did know and he disregarded your feelings. Which do you think is more likely? Either way, shouting at you to fuck off seems very over the top and I really wouldn't like it.

He was being a twat, good luck next time. Maybe don't tell him either!

He knew well that it was important to me, it had been discussed plenty!

And he should understand, he's wanted things kept from them in the past and I've gone along with it.

I wouldn't be happy either.
And telling you to 'fuck-off' just goes to show that he knows what he did was wrong.
But..... it's a driving test. Not many people pass the first time.
Don't be down on yourself.
Now you know it was one silly mistake you'll be just fine next time.
Get it booked and don't tell your DH when it is then he can't blab.
And you are NOT phoning SIL.
He blabbed, if he wants her to know how it went then he can tell her!
He needs to apologise to you big time. What he did and then said - totally out of order!

Ugh. We work in the same office and he came over at coffee break to offer me coffee.

I know it sounds like he's trying to patch things up as best he can in an open plan office, but he's done things this way so many times before that I can't help having my doubts. The argument started at the start of our commute; he refused to say anything for most of the drive, then threw the 'fuck off' at me in the carpark and stormed into the building. Honestly, it's as if he deliberately stalls things till we get to work so he doesn't have to say anything, then acts normally in work and expects me to just go along with it and then continue that when we leave work, as if everything's resolved.

Same old, same old - and never a meaningful apology.

I hope you dropped the coffee in his lap.

No, we do actually have to continue working here!

We've to go out for lunch now. I just don't have the emotional energy for this codology today.

The original betrayal of confidence could be thought of as minor, but his reaction to you is not.

Does he not realise that incidents like this will leave you unable to trust him with things that are important to you?

It all sounded like a case of miscommunication and poor assumptions to me, until the bit where he told you to "fuck off"

That kind of language, aggressive dismissiveness, is not OK. He needs to take responsibility for that and apologise.

Your last post makes it sound like he frequently brushes his own bad behaviour under the carpet. Is that the case?

Yes, he's a habitual sweeper. He's becoming more aware of it though as I insist on pointing it out!

He apologised very thoroughly at lunchtime, and even added in a bit about how great I am for finally getting over my terror and learning to drive. I think the aggression this morning was because he knew I wanted something from him but he didn't know what. He doesn't understand emotional stuff (much like me).

He doesn't understand emotional stuff?
May I just draw your attention back to this...

Honestly, it's as if he deliberately stalls things till we get to work so he doesn't have to say anything, then acts normally in work and expects me to just go along with it and then continue that when we leave work, as if everything's resolved.

He understands emotional stuff just fine.

I think he lost it with you because he knows he was wrong and there's no excuse.

I told no one either about my DTest. Infact I never told my family I was having lessons. But DP blabbed to his parents. I was not impressed.