Mismatched libidos

[NCforthemoment]

I'm 28, DH is 39. We've been married a year, been together almost seven.

DH's libido is definitely higher than mine, and this is exacerbated by the anti depressants I'm on. I was reading the high libido partner thread and I feel awful, I just want to cry. We have sex usually once a week and I know DH would like more. He doesn't pressure me, but if I'm not up for it, he turns away in bed and I can tell he's put out. I feel like, if I'm making him feel unattractive, what future do we have?

We are very loving and affectionate with each other and we get on great. Sometimes, though, I'd like to just cuddle in bed without it having to lead to sex.

I just feel really down. We love each other, we're great together in every other way, but is there much hope if our libidos are mismatched? I don't want him to feel unloved or unattractive but I can't always use sex to prove to him he's not those things if I don't want it.

Any advice?

I was the op on the other thread. Please don't feel hurt, that is not the intention and exactly the reaction I don't want from my dp which is why I wanted advice on how to address it. I need to explain that what I need is affection. Not necessarily sex, the higher libido partner doesn't always want sex after every display of affection either, but always being the one to initiate puts a weird pressure on too.

Fwiw I love dh, I will not cheat on him and this is tnot something I would leave for, him refusing to talk about it and how that behavior makes me feel is an issue.

I think what I actually need is a low libido partner perspective on how to discuss it and what a realistic outcome is?

Please don't worry, ifisayno, I didn't find your thread hurtful at all and am sorry for what you're going through. I think it just brought into stark relief the problems that mismatched libidos can create. I adore DH, we get on great and I don't want anyone else. But I worry about what will happen to us is my sex drive doesn't improve and his self esteem is affected.

We are affectionate with each other but I reckon I should make more effort to initiate sex. If I were in your DH's shoes, I guess I'd want to be dealt with gently - even be clear that it's not necessarily sex you want at a particular moment but just a hug, because it's something you miss.

I thought once a week was normal after that amount of time, if it isn't I need to have a rethink of my relationship!

Maybe if you're not feeling in the mood but still want that closeness just try hugging in bed? At least then you would be showing affection and your OH won't feel rejected?

So did I, yeahyeah! I think I need to stop comparing my situation to others', but I felt like shit after reading a thread from October on how often MNers have sex, and at least twice a week seems to be the average.

I love DH, and love snuggling up to him in bed, but I don't always see that as a prelude to sex, and I think he's disappointed when it doesn't end in us having sex. I don't want to 'lead him on' and know that nobody has any right to assume a cuddle leads to sex, but in a real world situation it's hard to know how to negotiate this without both parties getting hurt and angry.

I don't think comparing to others helps, I always think of it this way I'd rather have a great time once/twice a week than do it every day when I'm completely knackered and my hearts not really in it!

I think if you're affectionate and loving still and your OH hasn't said it's a problem then it's really not such a big deal. But if it's really bothering you maybe try initiating once in the week and see how it goes, you mind end up enjoying it!

For me it can be hard to switch off sometimes but once I've done it I'm glad I did it (kind of like exercising) if that doesn't sound terrible haha!

But you're not saying you've sworn off sex altogether are you? You're still tactile and affectionate and having sex once a week. He may look disappointed but PIV isn't the be all and end all. Surely he appreciates that your depression affects many areas of your life. You're getting treatment and not sleeping in separate rooms or shunning him.

Out of the two of us I have the higher libido, but DP rarely says no (when he has a few times I have to admit I've also done the roll over in bed thingy and felt sulky). It's certainly not something I would leave him for.

However....

I have to say if he took sex off the table altogether in the future I'm afraid I would tell him I would need to find it elsewhere. I know that's totally shocking as lots of men exist with sexless marriages and are expected to accept it. But I really couldn't.

Talking about this at work many years' ago the phrase 'leading him on' came up. My older married colleague said if she went to bed with him wearing her nightie, that was a no-no. If she got under the covers naked and spooned skin to skin, "The fleet's in".

OP I would guess he's able to take care of things himself, it might help lighten the mood if you're present. Tell him you love him, keep talking.

Thanks for your support, everyone. I do love him. Very much.

We had a fight last year, not long before our wedding, when I had hit a really bad low with my anxiety and didn't want to have sex, just to sleep (because I wasn't getting much sleep). That was for about 2 weeks. When he brought it up, I got upset and he said I made him feel like a rapist, and made him feel unattractive. I was so angry, but we were both very, very stressed. I think since then I've been very wary of this situation arising again.

We're not very good at talking about this sort of thing. He's quite the stoic type and I'm afraid of upsetting people, so it's an uneasy mix. He's quite prudish and old fashioned. I think I need to figure out a way of talking without it becoming awkward and tense. How I tell him I don't feel like it tonight because I'm exhausted or not feeling well, without him feeling unwanted.

My partner was also pretty traditional when it came to sex and talking about it and the only way it changed was because I was so totally different and am quite cheeky.

OP I have also suffered very badly with anxiety, due to a chronic skin condition and I didn't feel in the slightest bit attractive or desirable, so you have my sympathies.

Your husband obviously adores you and desires you which is more than many people have. Is there any therapy you might consider? I understand CBT is excellent for anxiety, as is NLP. If you could feel a little better in yourself I think you would become more receptive to him generally. Otherwise it's a case of communication and keep assuring him you love him and fancy him, it's just more about quality than quantity.

Hopefully he isn't a roll on top, satisfy himself and roll off merchant. It is too easy to equate 'This is my own idea of satisfaction' with 'What's wrong with you why don't you want me?'

You say he is prudish and old-fashioned, do you mind me asking had he (m)any partners before meeting you?

Just wondering if he had some set notion about always being keen, some fear of rejection if you weren't automatically responsive. He isn't concerned about you comparing him to a previous partner is he?

I think it's possible to love someone very much and never want to leave them but, at the same time, to know in your heart that you fell in love with the wrong person for you; to know that really, you made a mistake in getting so emotionally involved that you fell in love and ended up getting married to this person.
You can speculate that if you'd never met him (or her, in my case) you might well have met and fallen in love with someone else who was far more compatible sexually, and so, in the end you'd have been happier and more content than you are now because no matter what anyone says, sex is extremely important to some people in their marriage.
Of course the consequences are huge. For example, the children you have now wouldn't exist! But maybe you'd have had other children who you'd have loved just as much.

Frenchsixthni think you are projecting onto NCs thread.

It sounds as though you want to talk about yr own situation, why not post a thread on relationships?

sebsmummy - No, I don't want to as I know there is no point. Nothing can be done now.
I just wanted to suggest that if two people have mismatched libidos, as in the OP's case, it's possible to continue loving each other but to realise it would have been better if you'd never met because if the difference in need for love making and sex is significant it's often very unlikely much can be done about it. So, in the end, you either stay or tear yourself away.

Thanks sebsmummy, I'm so sorry you struggle with anxiety too. I have had CBT but am working on mindfulness right now which seems to be helping more than anything else has.

And Donkeys, I don't think he had many partners before me, so may well be used to a certain way of doing things. Unfortunately a few of his previous partners cheated, so I think he has a real fear of rejection.

Sorry you are not happy but there is always a way forward.

If you are deluding yourself that it is best to stay with your wife for the children's sake, then as the child of two people that did exactly that, don't. Children would much rather their patents were happy and if that means they are separately happy, so be it.

If you are staying for financial reasons then money will never buy happiness.

OP do you know what created the anxiety in the first place?

Another one from the thread that prompted this one OP!

Not much to add really, except that it's really brought home to me how important communication is to a relationship, if my wife started these kind of thread topics as a conversation I'd think all my Christmases had come at once! It'd be wonderful to just talk about our feelings not even to act on them, just to get it out in the open.

I can understand your husband feeling angry and rejected, and even comparing himself to a rapist. I've been in my situation for a few years now and after reading a lot about relationship behaviour on Mumsnet, other websites, Feminist Blogs and then reading Lundy Bancrofts seminal tome I thought some of my thinking was verging on sexually abusive. I never actually mentioned any of this to anyone in RL and never would, but I can understand your DHs thought processes.

Bizarrely, my counsellor is now suggesting our Marriage has been too "nice" and that neither myself or DW have truly addressed any underlying anger, resentment or frustration that has built up oer the years!

When you're under pressure it's very easy to convince yourself you're something that you're not. Getting out of that mindset is proving a struggle for me.

I know it sounds a bit lame but could you possibly write down how you feel? Especially the part about not wanting anyone else. That way you could reassure him and if he wanted to he could respond.

sebsmummy, I have generalised anxiety disorder, which sprung from stuff in my childhood (people dying).

Keepithidden, I'm sorry you're having a tough time and I hope things are improving. You know, selfishly, talking to all of you on this thread, who came over from the other thread with the opposite issue, has been helpful - it's good to be able to discuss both perspectives with a more neutral crowd!

Donkeys, that's something I might try, it would feel weird but I'd give it a go.