Help me to not feel guilty - brother I went NC with died

[sadwidow28]

My sister phoned me at 8.30am yesterday to say that a younger brother had died the night before. (Aged 56 years old - but quite ill for many, many years.)

Although he was very ill, it has still come as a shock because of the suddenness. He has been a 'creaking gate' for years and we don't know how he lasted this long with all of his ailments (self-inflicted because of his alcoholism).

I understood his difficulties and often had either my brother or his wife come and live me when they needed space from each other. I have paid for them to have a nice weekend in hotels....

Now to my point. I went NC with this brother after he last stayed with me 23 months ago and told me 'shut the fuck up or I'll lamp you one'. He stood as tall as his disabled body would allow - but he was still intimidating with his voice and his posture.

We have seen each other at family occasions - but I made sure that I didn't spend any time in the same room. The last family event was last September. I know he would have swept everything under the carpet and would have engaged with me, but when I saw him I turned on my heel and walked into another room to prevent that.

I know I am grieving for the loss of a brother. But I wonder if I would have acted any differently 9 weeks ago if I had known then that he would die so suddenly. Going NC has to include unusual, sudden turns of life. I am just trying to figure if I was ready for this. I don't feel guilt or anything like that. I was his support system (150 miles away) when he needed a bed or some space from a volatile marriage. I have also supported my SIL when it was her 'turn' for some space.

I am not even sure what I am asking. I think it is about the NC issue. I absolutely 'blanked' my brother at my mother's 89th birthday party. I was not rude, but I made sure I did not engage with him at all. I didn't sit in the same room.

But would I have acted differently if I had known then that he only had 9 weeks to live? YES - I think I would have!

Sorry for your loss

Much as FB messages and Hallmark cards tell us to live like each day is our last, we can't. In RL we have to live as if our lives will be longer than that. Of course you would have behaved differently if you thought your brother would be dying in a few weeks. He was, however, an alcoholic. A threatening, intimidating one. Treating him as if he wasn't would have been damaging to you and to him.

Say he had lived another few years, your NC and boundaries might have been one of the things that got him into recovery, you never know.

My brother would NEVER have gone into recovery. He didn't see his alcoholism as a problem. (It just caused a problem for everyone else!)

When I gave him a bed to lie on and a roof over his head (with the agreement of my SIL I hasten to add) I found myself scared to even breathe too loudly. If the dog barked, I got 'tutted at'.

He was an abusive, intimidating husband, father and brother. He was actually an abusive son.....

But should I have said even a small word to him last September? Just a 'Hello'? My boundaries were so set in concrete by that time that I did not allow him to even have eye contact with me. If I walked into a room where he was - he was invisible to me.

Here I am 9 weeks later and just questioning.

I was a great sister to him for as long as I was able. Once he over-stepped my boundaries for a 2nd time, I had to hold on to my stance.

I think there is something else floating around in the back of my mind. I'll see if I can dig it out. It is something to do with me being the sister at a distance... I was always the one to give bed and board to my brothers, but when I went back for family occasions, the brothers were always much closer to the rest of the family. Even now, my sisters think they 'knew' my brother better than I did.

This is a really muddled grief.

I wish my DH was still alive... he would have got me through it.

I'm sorry for your loss

You shouldn't feel guilty.
You went NC for a reason sadwidow you needed to do that for your own safety, sanity and protection.

In your position, back in september, I believe I'd of done the same in not speaking your to DB - you said yourself he would have been happy to sweep it under the carpet therefore putting you back in the same position.
I'm so sorry that you never got to say a goodbye to him but you didn't/couldn't know what was around the corner.

Try not to torment yourself with who knew him better, it's not important nor should your siblings treat it as some kind of competition.

Try to take comfort from the fact that you were a good sister to your brother, you supported him and offered him a safe place to stay. The first broken line crossed would have been enough for others to lose patience but you gave him another chance.
I'm sure over the next weeks and months you'll be able to process this and take comfort from other memories that aren't so recently related to the NC.

Take care
sending ((big warm hugs)) your way.

Thank you both for your responses. I am taking in your words of advice and your interpretation of the situation as I process this.

You are right, it isn't a competition - but it is going to feel like one when I go 'home' for the funeral.

Ah well, I have got through 23 hours since the phone call. I might just have a little rest on the sofa for half an hour before I walk the dog.

Thanks once again.

You hold your head high when you go home Sadwidow, you've honestly got no reason to do otherwise, make peace with your DB and also with yourself, be proud of the support you gave to him and his family and if your sibs want to continue their tit-for-tat then let them get on with it.

Take care of yourself while it's still so raw.
Enjoy your rest and your walk x

We can only deal the cards we have at the time. You were a brilliant sister to a shit brother. You have nothing to beat yourself up about.

Keep walking that dog.

Sadly that's the deal with anyone going NC. NC mean no longer having a relationship, whatever the consequences, and therefore you have to weigh things up very carefully based on what you know of your own nature. I'm not a fan of NC for just this kind of reason tbh. Always sounds like the perfect, simple solution but personal experience of seeing people in my own family struggle with the after-effects of NC.... never the people being dumped, always the ones doing the dumping... mean I'd urge caution all the way.

Sorry for you loss. Really no point wallowing in guilt.

Now to my point. I went NC with this brother after he last stayed with me 23 months ago and told me 'shut the fuck up or I'll lamp you one'. He stood as tall as his disabled body would allow - but he was still intimidating with his voice and his posture.

Woah! You're feeling guilty after this!? What did your brother do meanwhile - did he try to make contact, did he apologise, try to make amends, etc?
Not sure why you think that you have done some (unspecified) wrong. It takes two to make a relationship, it can't all come from one side.

I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. I'm guessing that you are grieving the brother-that-should-have-been, not the brother-that-was.