Absolutely no sex drive or intimacy

[docpeppa]

Me and my partner never have sex, he always wants to, but I never ever feel in the mood. Like NEVER. We have a 14mo DD.
We are never intimate at all in fact, never cuddle, kiss or hold hands.
We have been together 6 years and the first 3 were great, loads of sex.
Now it's the complete opposite, I feel so miserable because I used to be such a sexual person, it has always been an important part of a relationship to me.
Is it possible to get it back or does it sound like my relationship is over?

How often do you get time alone? Have grandparents who have DD or have babysitters? Are you simply parents now, without a life away from your DD?

14 month is still very young OP, does your LO settle throughout the night, do they have their own room, do you work aside from being mum, how are you feeling in yourself generally, are you eating well, getting plenty of rest?? Sorry so many questions but any or all could have an influence on your lack of libido.

Is your partner helpful, caring, sensitive etc. often when all the other shitty drudgery of life is getting on top of us sex is the last thing on our minds. As it been like this since LO was born or a recent thing? Do you think you could be suffering from PND?

Do you still find your partner sexually attractive? Have you spoken to him about this? If so what has he said and how does he react to the lack of sex/intimacy in general?

I think, when not just the sex has gone, but the intimacy and physical contact with it, then it's less about 'libido' and something much more fundamental to do with compatibility. i.e. you're with the wrong partners. If the intimacy died months even before your DD was conceived then it can't be child related. Were things already drifting? Was having a baby some kind of attempt to revitalise the relationship?

The baby sleeps great, so I get enough rest at night.
No we don't get any time together, we don't have many childcare options either so I'm mummy 24/7.
He has never really been able to hold down a job more than 6 months, even though he has a good degree. It all went bad when we first moved in together about 5 years ago, he wasn't working and I had to bear the brunt of all the bills/rent and my uni debts. I really resent him for it.
Feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction of having sex

I have been referred to see a councillor, they think I had PND bit because I kept it bottled up and didn't talk it's turned into something else. They haven't decided what yet.
The baby was a nice little surprise, I wouldn't imagine a baby would strengthen anything anyway. Probably make it worse

If you don't respect someone and if you feel you are 'carrying' them, then you're not going to feel warm and fuzzy towards them. A baby can do a lot of things but, in a relationship where someone is already displaying zero responsibility, it is likely that the arrival of a child merely served to demonstrate what a waste of time he is. Sadly, I think you need to start planning for solo life. Nobody is happy here.

do you love him?
do you like him?

Resentment can quickly build in a relationship when you don't feel it's an equal partnership or your needs are not being met. It's not uncommon to not want sex/intimacy in this situation. Sometimes it can be miraculously switched back on when your partner steps up and starts pulling their weight, understanding your needs and fulfilling them. This is something that has to happen because they see the error of their ways and THEY want to make changes to improve. Sometimes it never comes back with that partner because there's nothing else left and you genuinely aren't happy with that person anymore.

Many people stay together; just for the sake of it, children, fear of the unknown, financial commitments, because they think things will change etc etc. I would never advise anyone to stay together if they're not happy. Life really is to short to be anything but happy. However, I'm the last person in the world to be giving advice on that. I've spent years thinking things will get better, I can make this work! Something tells me you're a lot younger than me (although age is no excuse). All I would say to you if you where my friend/daughter is if you think you can work this out go to relate/counselling and work on you both, if not, please don't spend the next goodness knows how many years unhappy/miserable in an unsatisfactory relationship you will resent this more and more and it will make you ill x

"The baby was a nice little surprise, I wouldn't imagine a baby would strengthen anything anyway. Probably make it worse"

Does that mean the baby was unplanned OP? Did you both want it.

And no, babies don't make things easier between couples generally, they make things much tougher, so don't berate yourself on that count.

Baby was unplanned, but we both really wanted her. I was scared, but no more than most new mums.

Just feel like I'll never be able to plan a life, everything is on hold until he gets secure work. I just wonder when that is ever going to happen.

I do love him, it's just not like what it used to be. We get on well, makes me laugh and is thoughtful.

Just without the intimacy and the resentment I don't know where it can go. Or I just don't want to face it.

My parents split up when I was 3 and I don't want that life for DD

if your partner got a secure job tomorrow, what would you do? What would be different?

If you got a secure job tomorrow, what would your plans be?

If he got a secure job, honestly I don't know. I would just be expecting him to get sacked.

If I got a job, (which is more likely as I've got interviews coming up) maybe it would reinforce just how much I don't need him...

Mmm. You don't trust or have faith in him, and that's not apparently going to change with external circumstances. That's going to take some mending.

What can he do, what is he good at? What if he was at home full-time? Would he do better with that?