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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hand holding needed

16 replies

Herhonesty · 04/12/2013 23:34

we've had lots of problems recently - too long to go into - but i thought we were turning a corner and he was willing to work at it, poss go to counselling in the new year etc… then today i found his phone bill (i say found, i mean opened) and he's send 213 text messages in one month to the same woman at all sorts of times of the night, day. Its a girl he works with. Denis anything physical but admits being very flirtatious and having feelings for her. 2 weeks ago i asked him if there was anyone to which he said no, so basically lied.

He's away with work tonight, i am so upset and angry i have told him not to come home tomorrow night, i can't face having around, and to only come home on Friday night after he has figured out what he really wants and if he wants to be married, then to come ready to commit to it.

I am so sad and upset and desperate to save this marriage, i am really scared..

don't know why i put this on here, but MN people are really nice people so hope i get a few holding hands...

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 05/12/2013 03:42

Hey. I am here right now.

I think you are right to ask him to stay away.

I suppose he has deleted the messages but when he does turn up I would ask to see them. If he refuses or they are deleted then I would think that he is covering his tracks and, well, ask him to leave permanently.

LineRunner · 05/12/2013 10:23

Hi, OP, what a horrible thing to happen to you.

How are you this morning?

Original poster
Herhonesty · 05/12/2013 14:11

he will have deleted them, i caught him before with another woman so he will have covered his tracks but didn't reckon on me finding itemised bill i suppose. he says he is coming home on friday but doesn't no whether he can guarantee he an commit to for the long term.

though about ringing ow but its not the solution, if its not there there will be others.

OP posts:
Golddigger · 05/12/2013 14:17

Are you married? Do you have any children?

Original poster
Herhonesty · 05/12/2013 16:05

yes, two beautiful girls, 8 months, 5 years.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 05/12/2013 16:49

Sorry but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. He sounds like a serial cheater I'd say. I'd say he'd have to be pretty intimate with her to send over 200 texts in a month, and at all hours. You need to ask yourself why you are accepting a man that thinks it's ok to cheat behind your back, if you forgive again, I would guarantee it will keep happening.

And yes, don't have him back until you also are ready to discuss if the marriage is worth saving.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2013 16:53

Oh how awful for you Sad

What an utter twunt

So he says he's not sure if he can commit? Don't be anyone's second choice or be with someone who's there under sufference. Pack his bags, deadlock the door and text him "I'm sorry, I can't commit long term to a liar and a cheat" and see how he likes them apples

You poor soul

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/12/2013 16:57

Do not waste your breath phoning the colleague.

You are worth more than this! Better off on your own than raising your DCs than with someone who treats you like this. If you didn't have your DDs, would you still take him back?

I know it can be draining caring for an 8 month old baby and an older DC, but worrying over how on earth can you trust him to stop texting other women is going to pile on the pressure. Let me guess, everything is fine as long as you toe the line and don't check up on him, this isn't the first time and he presumably thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes while you're doing all the work keeping this marriage going.

How do you want your future to be?

pausingforbreath · 05/12/2013 17:12

I'm sorry that you are going through this ( again by the sounds of it).
I think he needs to be told that if YOU are not prepared to be in a sham of a marriage anymore; if he is not prepared to be 100% committed to his marriage - then on Friday he can collect his stuff. You have collected your thoughts and have decided it is the last time you will be undervalued by him.

Believe me - you are worth so much more than how he is treating you. Stand up for your worth.

Original poster
Herhonesty · 06/12/2013 03:41

I'm so tired, so confused. Trying very hard not to be a victim and be strong, it's so tough, me and my girls have so much to loose

OP posts:
Original poster
Herhonesty · 06/12/2013 04:18

Have just rung him and told him it's 100% commitment or nothing else. Or else on Friday he can lack his bags and go.

Also said if it was really over with this other girl I wanted him to send her an email and be bcc'ed into it. Who knows I suppose he could just tell he he had to do it but I said I would phone her myself if he didn't, I think he was quite shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herhonesty · 06/12/2013 04:36

sorry pack his bags. can blame 3 am posting..

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2013 07:57

How are you today? Hope out managed a little sleep.

I think you need to be clear exactly what 100% commitment actually means in reality. What he needs to do. What he needs to change. I'm rather concerned he's going to come back tonight and think "phew! I got away with it" and just go back to "normal".

I also think you need a bit more time to gather your thoughts. Can he go to his family. Might help him to face the music a bit more.

Stay strong xx

pausingforbreath · 06/12/2013 07:59

Well done you.
I'm sure it took a lot to stand up and be strong.
Don't back down now while he is shocked.
He is not entitled to have his cake and eat it too - not if he wants to keep his cake .
You should not be feeling like this , him being an arse is what is causing the problems - not you .
Chin up , don't allow yourself to be the victim .
He is the weak one not you.
Take care of yourself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/12/2013 08:52

I saw the expression here a few weeks' ago "super snooper", this is what he will turn you into when all you want is to feel secure and loved and a family. Feeling insecure makes you do things that you wouldn't normally do and you end up disliking yourself as a result. Meanwhile he floats on in a selfish bubble. Flirting is so close to giving himself permission to take things further if the other party is willing. He knows this.

Cabrinha · 06/12/2013 09:32

Oh love, I'm sorry. But I agree with "super snooper". That was me - no way to live. How does he prove 100% commitment? You need to define, or, I'm sorry - he'll just lie. It's not a one off, a silly slip. He currently thinks he can get away with it. Why would he stop?
Honestly, I would tell him to just go, coming back on Fri is only to collect his clothes.
If he's 100% committed, he can show you that from winning you back, regaining your trust, from outside the home.
I don't think he'll do it - but at least then you know.

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