I'm seriously thinking of leaving DP - (another one sorry)

[fuckit]

We are in a slump, moving in to our first house in a weeks time and I know we would get out of it eventually but can't get any assurances that make me think it's worth it. he is so controlling, not in a mad psychopath way but just trying to balance everything logically and neglecting the emotional. I know it's cos he's scared of failing; he cares that we'll default on the payments and loose the house in an embarrassing amount of time, or that his family will take the piss behind his back that they provide stuff for us (so willingly I have to say) but doesn't seem worried at all about him failing at our relationship. He's a robot basically. I kiss him and he's like a stone. I can't reach him emotionally and every attempt just sends him further away. I could let him be but I know this will only erupt again because I have emotional needs that quite frankly shouldn't have to be ignored, not 100% of the time anyway. Can't get him to switch off from work. he says we'll have time to do that later, but I know he means forever. He's keeping life at arms length in order to manage it and me, the person who loves him is suffering because of it. What the fuck do I do?

Can't get through to him Kama. Even in my head it sounds like 'nah nah nah nah' I've said it so many times. He will do counselling for the sake of our relationship with regards to DS, but not simply for us, as I understand it. I might be wrong but that's how it appears. I'm not one for contracting out either if I'm honest, not because I don;t think it's a great resource, just we both have the sense to do this together; it's just the inclination that's the problem.

Lots of letters in our past, which doesn't count anymore before we had DS anyway. So may rules, so little room to manoeuvre. What a fucking tosser I sound like.

That;s a good point, it doesn't matter at all whether we choose to split as long as the issue has been addressed. We've had lost of talks, none of which ever get far because he can't admit to being wrong on anything (except things that don't matter much).

So I take responsibility for all the negatives and he takes responsibility for all the positives. I think he's just grown to hate me. Anything consistent would be a blessing actually. I love him, sometimes I dislike him emmensly but we are still partners. I just can't read him, he's a stranger and that's the way he prefers it I think.

Has he changed drastically since you two first got together?

A friend told me making love to her first dh was like making love to someone in a suit of armour. She left in the end for another man.

Was your dp more emotional in the past?

Do you think he could be suffering from depression, all this emotionally shut down stuff, that is a symptom of despression. Also the can't switch off from work stuff as well. My xp was like that. He sound like my xp, he absolutely would not admit he was depressed because that meant he had to do something about it.

it does sound like your having a real rough time at the moment.
i think its pretty understandable that he is a little nervouse about buying your own place. im sure its a very stressfull time for you both and especially considering what youhave said about his family.

why not give it a while. hopefully once you have moved in and things start to settle down it will improve?

We fell madly in love like you'd expect at first. He used to write the most beautiful things. I'm not daft enough to think we could stay in that hinterland forever, but it would be nice to share some intimacies at times and believe he was switched on to them, or just that our time together mattered. He gives us everything except this and when I ask for this he feels I'm being ungrateful. But I don't know what to do, I really don't think I can live a life without, I dunno, tenderness, I suppose...or just the possibility of it.

Depressed? I don;t think so. Perhaps mildly. I don't honestly know. Stressed definitely, and I only stress him out more and I get stressed worrying we're not dealing with things...

I suppose you;re right RM. I just didn't want the move to be mired in all this but that's probably a bit romantic. It will be, get over it as they say.

Thanks

Fm, I mean. Thanks

I'm a regular BTW. Changed my name for this.

Perhaps after the move you could sort out dinner for both of you as a surprise (no excuses).. without the kids,mobiles etc just to talk and tell him how you really feel and how much you love him..does he know you're thinking about separation?...and how desperately sad you are feeling? that when you kiss him he feels like stone? he sounds like he loves you but he's expressing this only in a physical way...everyone has emotional needs and yours are not being met right now.. he needs to understand that they are both important and a relationship needs nurturing on a physical and emotional level.. you need to feel loved.

have you tried being more intimate towards him? how did he react? sometimes making small gestures encourage your partner to do them back...