Can I train myself to be less avoidant?

[Pricklypearshaped]

In a nutshell, I have a classic avoidant romantic style, realise this isn't great and would like to change if I can.

Longer: I just seem to be crap at relationships. I have them, often they last for quite a long time. But I never allow myself to enjoy them. I can never just love or be loved. When I was younger this was excusable as I always had the excuse that I was too young to settle down. But now I'm not and I'd like to be in a properly committed relationship but I just don't seem to be cut out for it.

Men are attracted and love me although there's no queue. Although increasingly I feel I'm not attracting the kind of men I want. But eventually they get frustrated that I'm cold, that I can't love them better.

Recently I've been in a relationship with someone who treats me very, very well, but who I don't have sufficiently deep feelings for to plan a future. I've forced it into a hand to mouth relationship. I think I stay with him because it's safe. I don't let him get to know me, I push him away. Over the same time I've got to know someone who potentially I'd have deep feelings for but I've pushed him away until he's sick of it.

I only seem to be able to get into a relationship with people who really push at it. Anyone else just doesn't have the patience to push through my walls.

I can't ever imagine myself standing in front of friends and family and announcing that I'm deeply in love with anyone and that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with them. Do people actually mean that when they say their vows? I can't imagine either feeling that or being comfortable saying it.

I think I'm just miserable at the moment, it seems to be coming to a head. I'm treating people worse and worse and pushing away anything risky and I know what ultimately I'm just screwing myself over, while taking other people down with me.

I'd love to be able to know what I feel, pursue people I'm interested in, let myself love them, let them love me, not create barriers, not push people away and deny my feelings. How can I do this? I know counselling is the obvious answer but I can't afford it at the moment. Any good book recommendations would be appreciated though.

Have you experienced not having a man in your life? You sound as though you aren't the one doing the choosing, it is all someone else choosing you.

Yes, I've never gone straight from one relationship to the other. Since the age of 16 I've had a three month break, a 1.5 year break and an 11 month break.

I can't say I've ever aggressively pursued a man though. If I like someone I tend to wait and see what they do, although I have been known to ask for dates etc. If they give me absolutely nothing then I can't say I've ever made a move, but that's just sensible I think. If it's casual then I'll let it stay casual. If they up the pace I tend to go with their flow, so in that respect I do let others do the choosing.

But everyone bar one exception I've had that initial punch in the gut feeling about I've ended up with. Once it fizzled out but the other two became LTRs.

I'm definitely not a risk taker when it comes to making moves though.

Ah OK. (How old are you now?) I've found my most rewarding relationships were kindled from people who I grew to fancy as I got to know them and spent more time with them. Having not considered them in that way initially, AT ALL.

It's interesting that you say 'I've never aggressively pursued a man though' I don't think it's aggressive to be in charge of your feelings, to decide that you like someone like that, and to tell them. It's about trusting yourself to choose the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with. It's not about finding the ONE. It's about finding one of the ones.

I really wouldn't leave it to some random bloke to decide that he's the one for you.

Thanks Librarybook. You're definitely right about not letting some random bloke dictate things. I'm very aware that I probably wouldn't still be with my BF if he wasn't so very, very persistent. On the plus side this means I never get burnt by relationships with people who aren't that into me, but it probably means I'm passing a lot up, and actually allowing myself to be crap and lazy as I only end up with people who work hard at relationships.

The problem is I do feel it's aggressive to be in charge of my feelings and articulate them. I struggle to know what I actually feel, especially as I have this wonderful habit of being both into someone and spotting problems. And showing I care? Agh, nightmare!

I don't think I've had any "surprise" relationships. I've definitely had friends who have announced feelings and I've always not reciprocated. I tend to need a lot of inititial attraction to be interested IYSWIM.

I'm 29.

I think it'd be interesting to explore why you can't let people get close to you.
Why do you have these "walls" built up?
What are you afraid of exactly?

Oh god that's a tough one.

I think it's partly that I just lack the skill. I don't come from a physically or verbally affectionate family. The idea of asking and receiving help or support is just not something I've grown up with.

But to get a way from the parents cliche...

It's a tough one. I think I fear that they won't be able to provide what I need, so I don't ask for it. I think I fear that they'll expect something in return that I can't give. I think I'm afraid of being wrong - what if this person isn't a good 'un and I've put my trust in them?

Also I've always been very aware that feelings change and it feels dishonest to let someone in when you know one day you might want to get them out. I've never been happy just to exist in the moment.

Reading this back it's a lot about help and support. I think I worry that deep down I'm very fragile and I've built up a very self-reliant shell. Maybe I worry about that cracking and overburdening someone.

Well, the parents thing is only a cliché because it's true. If a little girl was starved of the affection & demonstrative support she needed, she'll have learned to deny that need in herself. Nothing worse than being a sad little girl and not being able to get affection; safer not to let yourself feel sad, eh, and just forget about wanting more than parents can give :(

I think I fear that they'll expect something in return that I can't give. - It sounds to me as if you internalised this failure in your parents - they "couldn't give" and now, as an adult yourself, you assume you can't either, because that's how grown-ups are, iyswim?

I think I'm afraid of being wrong - Interesting way of framing that. As a child, were you cold-shouldered or rejected when you were 'wrong'?

I admire your self-insight when you say it's about help & support. It's really quite hard to break away from a familial mindset that infers weakness from vulnerability. In some very important ways, vulnerability is a strength: a strength, moreover, that scares people who've closed off some of their feelings. You are not like your parents, because you have the feelings you've written about here and are aware of wanting a different way to live.

well, in a nutshell it's insecurity and fear, and parents do have a huge role in these things, you'd need to work at it to move away from their example. Books, counselling. Sorry can't recommend specific books, hope someone will.

I'm a bit like you OP, apart from I don't have a problem initiating and pursuing a little (nowadays very tame ), it's when a relationship really develops, my problems really start - the more they invest the more I want to question it (irrational!) but in a way that's because it's up to me to invest a lot too. And yes, same fear of being let down eventually.

yep, garlic, very important to learn to be vulnerable and show it - I'm only learning now as it dawned on me relatively recently, and I'm older than OP.

Me, too :) Bloody parents, eh.

This is a powerful book - John Bradshaw's "Homecoming". You don't read it, you 'work' it, and it can be uncomfortable in parts. Breaking down barriers usually is. Made a tremendous difference to me.

Thanks for the book recommendation Garlic, I will check it out.

"I think I fear that they'll expect something in return that I can't give. - It sounds to me as if you internalised this failure in your parents - they "couldn't give" and now, as an adult yourself, you assume you can't either, because that's how grown-ups are, iyswim?"

^ This. I had never thought of this before but it makes a lot of sense. I was always aware that I didn't feel I had any role models of what couples do on a day to day, year by year basis, but I hadn't thought about it deeper than that.

I am trying to push myself to be a little bit more vulnerable, tell people what I'm really thinking, even if it's only a sentence beyond my comfort zone. I feel like I've hit a quiet crisis point in my relationships of late and it's helping me to be a little braver.

:) Good for you, and thanks for coming back. I don't know much about your relationship, obviously. I always feel nervous when someone describes their partner as "very persistent", but I guess I can be hyper-vigilant about such things. I think what I'm trying to say is that the overall matter of 'You' may be separate from your feelings about your boyfriend. If it feels as though he's crowding you, it may very well be because he is! That may have nothing at all to do with whether you feel able to share your innermost thoughts and so on.

I get the impression that didn't come out clearly? Sorry if not!

No it did, and I get what you mean and I think there is an aspect of that. In that it's not like I'm pushing him away because he's the love of my life, it's more I'm purposefully with him because I know that's not what he is. And I get what you mean about the "persistence", although I don't think it's a red flag as such, I think it's more that he's pushier and more open than most, which is why it's got this far. I don't feel crowded, I just feel like everytime I push away he'll still patiently be there.