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Original poster

FWB Etiquette advice please

12 replies

jayho · 04/12/2013 20:11

I'm shagging a work colleague. Same level, big organisation, no issues re colleague relationships.

We are both single adults. I made the first move which was immediately reciprocated and there have been further 'encounters' initiated by me but instantly accepted. I have children, he does not so it's a case of when I'm free rather than him. I go to his, stay over, no awkwardness in the morning, very satisfying.

We had the contraception/condom conversation with ease, I use contraception, he uses a condom, which is my preferred route.

I don't expect him to be exclusive although I am because my options are more limited. I don't want a relationship. I don't want this to develop into anything else. His attitude towards me at work has remained respectful and professional (as has mine) despite the fact we are shagging and I have no concerns about him being indiscreet and there are no power issues in the 'relationship'.

Should we have a conversation about expectations or should I chill out and go with the flow? I feel like we should have an exit strategy that saves both of us potential embarrassment and preserves our working relationship (we don't work directly with each other but in the same building on the same work stream) but don't know if I'm over thinking. I would expect that, in the future, he will want a long term relationship with someone (not me - I'm quite a lot older than him for one thing, although I don't think he realises this) and will want to move on.

Advice please.

OP posts:
akawisey · 04/12/2013 20:42

I've never had a FWB so don't really have the experience to speak from.

But I'd say from your OP that the expectations are defined by your behaviour. So if it were me in your situation I'd see no reason to have a conversation unless he brings it up.

RatherBeRiding · 04/12/2013 20:45

Enjoy it for what it is while it lasts I'd say. What kind of exit strategy do you have in mind anyway? It will either end in embarrassment and awkwardness or it won't and if you are both comfortable with how things are then I wouldn't worry overmuch.

niceupthedance · 04/12/2013 20:51

It will always smart a bit when someone moves on but if your feelings aren't engaged then it's purely a hit to the ego.

I don't think you need to plan the end, it will possibly fizzle out naturally anyway. I vote no talk.

Original poster
jayho · 04/12/2013 21:11

Thanks, people, that's my inclination, nothing needs saying.... we are where we are

OP posts:
Meerka · 04/12/2013 21:13

I would suggest asking, at a moment that feels right, handling it with a light touch. It does sound like you're on the same page here, but it really is a good idea to just make sure that you're within the same chapter, so's to speak.

Something like "I don't suppose this will last forever, but when that time comes, please let me know straight and I'll do the same, with no hard feelings" ... or in your own words. The useful bits to get over are that you know it's not forever, that you will have good memories and no grudges, and to tell you straight. Also that it's fun while it lasts =) You'll know best what sort of phrasing fits you.

Then allow him space to say something if he wants, and if not then just let it lie and move the convo on.

what's the right moment? oh, just when it feels right. when the atmosphere is comfy, but not too comfy. Possibly walking back to the car or soemthign after a nice time together; that cuts short any awkward silence as you have something else to focus on.

sometimes fwb is a lovely thing =)

Meerka · 04/12/2013 21:13

heh, crosspost :)

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 04/12/2013 21:14

How much older than him are you?

Original poster
jayho · 04/12/2013 21:37

hmm, 12 years, I've got v young children so people tend to assume I'm late 30s at most which I', not. I'm 50 Blush he's 38

OP posts:
Original poster
jayho · 04/12/2013 21:39

I'm bloody gorgeous too, obv Grin

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 04/12/2013 22:49

Impressive! I'm sure you are gorgeous, OP! Definitely don't have the conversation. You sound like you're not getting emotional about this, which is great.

Just enjoy it for what it is.

Jan45 · 05/12/2013 10:56

People assume you are late 30s when in fact you are 50 - I doubt that very much, I also would say he'll have a good idea you are older than him, which, is fine, just see it for what it is, personally I wouldn't mix my sex life with anyone from work but that's just a personal preference.

NeoFaust · 05/12/2013 11:05

In my experience it is critical to have everything explicitly laid out from the beginning. I agree with Meerka: pick a nice moment, phrase it well but make your position is 100% clear and that your understanding of his feelings is equally clear.

Good luck and have fun, but remember that even the smartest men can have trouble reading subtle and assume makes an ass out of u and me.

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