Don't know what to do next - nc or try again

[scottybeammeup]

I'm sorry I think this is going to be long but going to try not to drip feed.

My mum and I have always had an interesting relationship. Its been either all good or all bad. In the last few years its been awful.

She is very controlling. She likes things her way and if you don't live you life in the way that she wants you to she ignores you. She likes to 'tell' you what to do rather than have any type of discussion. A few years ago she didn't talk to me for months and months because my now ex-h and I decided to go abroad to seek further fertility treatments as we were being unsuccessful here. We already had a dc from IVF here but after numerous failed attempts to have a 2nd child we decided to try abroad. My mums reaction was horror that we would spend that amount of money and we should just give up. No matter how much I explained that it was our money etc. she just wouldn't support us. When I got pregnant she used a stupid disagreement as her basis for not talking to me for about 6 months. Even when I had the baby she didn't text, call or come to see me in the hospital. It took for me to phone her a few days later and ask her to come round. She did and acted as if the last 6 months hadn't happened. I didn't ever challenge her which I should have done.

Since then the relationship has been even bumpier. She is always criticising my children, nothing they do is ever good enough. When my 2nd dc didn't talk until she was two I had the 'what is wrong with her' comments. When they weren't potty trained at 18months I was told continuously that were disgusting and why didn't I get them out of nappies. The list goes on. She used to speak to my 2nd child in the language where we went for donor egg treatment because she said 'maybe she doesn't understand English'. Just horrible.

Last year my h and I broke up. Unexpectedly on my part, one day I had a marriage and a life, the next day I didn't. She was horrible all through the split. In a year, she has not once had the children for me while I've been going through so pretty rough times. She has not once asked us for dinner, or done anything supportive at all. Of course to everyone else she acts as if she is a saint and to other people she bends over backwards to help them. Its just me. She cannot do enough to help my sister. Has her children all the time and refers to them as 'her babies'. She hasn't seen my eldest child now for 4 months and sent him an obligatory card on his birthday. No present. She didn't even send my youngest a card 3 weeks later. This latest ignoring seems to stem to the fact that my best friend has moved in with me. She seems to hate that I get support from elsewhere despite not wanting to support me in any way herself. She says all my friends are 'weird and horrible' and she hates them all. She says this is why she never visits because I always have people in the house who she can't stand. These are normal, lovely kind people who can't understand why she is so rude to them.

I've had counselling to try and come to terms with the fact that she dislikes me. She told me last year that not everyone likes each other and that she can't help the way she feels. Lots of families have the same apparently. I am just so sad though and struggle everyday to understand why she would treat me and more importantly her grandchildren this way. They have never done anything to her even if in her perceived way I have. She hasn't tried to get in touch with me now for almost 2 months despite me sending texts, she just ignores them.

I have 2 brothers and a sister. Over the last 3 years my mum has managed to orchestrate a falling out with my sister who now refuses to speak to me at all. Ever. Apparently she never wants to be in the same room as me in her life. I still do not know what I have done to justify such a harsh statement. She won't talk to me and will slam the door in my face if I try to go round to her house.

I just can't get over how sad I am about it and don't know what to do next. Do I just leave it and have no contact again? I just feel so bad for the children. Is any sort of relationship better than none? They are young so don't get her digs at them yet although as she is always referring to them as weird, I'm sure it won't take them long to suss her out. My counsellor says I should just have nothing to do with her, but I'm finding it so hard

What a sad post. Your pain is very clear.

Sorry to say, nc is your only option. You can't expose your children to an abusive person like her. Over time you need to work on detaching and caring less about what she thinks. It's hard but it's worth it.

Hi,
Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her nor do your children.
To continue to allow her to speak to your children and behave with them like she has done is abusive to them. It will only get worse and they will start to develop self esteem problems and generally feel really bad about themselves. You need to protect them from her and her nasty tongue and her abusive ways. She has done all this to you and she will do it to them as she has started to do already.
I would stop all contact with her and your family if necessary. You don't need to sell yourself to them or prove anything. If they want to think the worse of you because of something your mother has said then so be it. You and your children are your little family and they need you to look after them and make their little world "ok".
My parents were very toxic and I had no contact with them for over 20 years as I did not want them treating my children the same way that they had treated me. I wanted my children to grow up with good self esteem and to feel loved and perfect.
You

This sounds awful and really horrible for you. I agree, you need to somehow come to terms with the fact your mother should not be in yours or your children's lives.

The sister, I am not so sure about though. Maybe a letter? Maybe try and start a dialogue through your brother if you have his support?

But for your own sake I think you need to be prepared to walk away from this too if this last attempt doesn't work.

Take care

You really need to accept that She. Won't. Change. Ever. She sounds like a nasty, selfish witch with her horrible little digs at your dcs and they will pick up these sooner than you think. She may be your mother but, seriously, why do you want her in your life? You don't need her approval or support so just walk away, don't look back, and feel the weight rise from your shoulders.

I think Ellie makes a good point about another attempt with your sister because she could well have been manipulated and lied to, but don't invest too much emotional energy on what could well be a lost cause. You don't have to like your family and, sadly, you can't make them love and accept you for what you are if they just don't want to,

Please don't let her near your children.

Voice of experience.

I'm so sorry, I know how much this hurts.

Going NC is the best way, and it does get easier.

Have you popped by the Stately Homes thread, there are plenty of posters just like you.

((hug))

I can understand why you're sad. It is a horrible situation and because you can never imagine treating your DC this way it is bewildering.

But you have to go NC. She won't change. Whatever damage was done to your relationship way back when is irrevocable. The fact that something went wrong (in her head) and she has no desire to fix it speaks volumes.

Keep a relationship with your brothers if you can (what are their views?). Maybe write a letter to your sister.

But never try to contact your mother.

Sorry

So sorry you have to put up with this from your own Mother. You sound so sad.
I'm pretty much going to echo what others have already said, you should go NC with her. She doesn't deserve you and your DC and all of your lives can only be more positive without her toxic behaviour in them.

Try to keep the communication open with your siblings so long as it doesn't draw you back into any form of contact with your Mother. Someone else already mentioned - could you ask another person to speak to your Sister and explain that you didn't play any part in the falling out, surely she knows what your mum is like.

Good luck ((hugs))

No contact with your mother as of now is your only realistic option here. If she is too toxic for you to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless children. She is already calling them weird and your counsellor has advised having nothing to do with her either. Like many adult children of such toxic people like your mother, you are deep in FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. These are three very damaging legacies.

You need to let go of the fantasy that your mother will someday somehow change and become a better person, she will not. It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not cause her to act that way.

Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

(More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-bad-abusive-grandparents#ixzz2ma6JixRH)

Attila sums it up beautifully - excellent advice there.

Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for your replies. I wasn't sure anyone would get to the end of my epic post, and that was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to the things she has said/done over the years.

I know you are all right and nc is the only way to go now. Its already been 2 months since we saw or heard from her. Both children have had birthdays in this time and still nothing other than a card for my eldest. Nothing for my youngest who seems to love my mum despite her indifference to her. I hate her for treating the children like this. They have done nothing to her and its just not fair on them. Attila you are so right above, I keep persevering through so many factors, definitely fear (in case my children resent me for denying them a grandparent), obligation (she is my mum!) and guilt (that perhaps it is me that is the 'wrong' one, and the guilt of again denying my children a grandparent). My ex-h's family have had no contact at all with us since he left a year ago. It was his actions that led us to split up. The spilt came out of nowhere for me and so my family is the only extended family the children have. Its all so sad.

I think its harder at this time of year because its meant to be all about family and I feel so isolated from mine now. Last year when I was newly split from my husband (he left 3 weeks before Xmas), I asked my mum if we could spend Xmas with her. She was horrible all day. Kept telling me to cheer up and that a marriage breaking up was not a hard thing to go through. I asked her to babysit for me for one day over Xmas so I could see some friends - she told me that now I was single I had no need for a social life, so no she wouldn't. Things like that make me hate her when I remember them. Of course I was sad last year. I had two little children (5 & 2 then) who had just had their Daddy walk out on us. I think anyone would have been. But not one sympathetic thing has passed her lips since we split up. Not one. She has slammed every decision I have made - selling the marital home, retraining so I can return to work in a child friendly job, getting my friend to move in to help me with money etc. Nothing is ever right.

As for my sister and other siblings - that's the thing. She is not like it with them at all. Just me. But the difference between me and my sister is that my sister depends on her for child care etc, whereas I never have. My sister seems to like her controlling way. My counsellor described it as a co-dependent relationship.

I have to run now, but thanks again for the replies.

Sorry, I forgot to add that a letter to my sister is a good idea. We haven't seen or spoken in 3.5years now and it is such a shame. I just know that my Mum has made up or hugely exaggerated something to cause this. In this time my sister has had 2 children (one I've never even seen a photo of) and I had my youngest dc. Neither of my children even know what an 'aunt' is .

I did try to speak to my mum about a year ago. Just after my h left and she had refused to babysit. I kind of lost it a little bit asked her why she disliked me so much etc and why she was so nasty to the children. She claimed that they are 'weird' because they don't run to her, or are all over her when she visits. To be fair, my youngest is but then she is only 3 so doesn't understand anything. My 6-year old is different. He 'knows' I am sure of it, that she is not very nice to him. he is very close to me and as such is a bit wary of her because he literally does not know her. No other reason. He has no relationship with her because she hasn't taken the time to build one with him. I tried to explain this to her and say he only wants me because he doesn't really know her etc. She exploded and said I had made him weird and of course it was all her fault, everything always is.... She is very much like that. She has no part in any disagreement, falling out, dispute etc. It is always 100% the other party. When I tried to say that to her, she just said 'I am the way I am. Take it or leave it'.

I have to leave it. I know.

and give yourself time to grieve over the mum you will never have. Like with a death. Both leave a hole; the death of a loving mother, and the absence while still alive of a loving mother.

We know instinctively that our mothers should be loving. When they aren't, when you feel it as a true loss it needs to be grieved.

Other than attilla has hit the nail on the head again, true and straight.