I think I am going to ask dh for a divorce

[itsnotmehonest]

we havent had a row, I am not depressed, he is not an arsehole (although gives me no emotional support).

I have just reached a point where I think life is too short, I dont want to wake up with this man in 20 years time, I feel scared but excited. We do have a child too

have you tried counselling?

have you been thinking about this for a while immh?

i dont want counselling, we would just end up the same 6 months down the line and thats 6 months wasted. I would rather us part and be friends for dd's sake than it get horrible and hate each other. Just feel like i want to be honest and say 'look this isnt working lets cut our losses and move on' i know he is unhappy too but we muddle along.

I have thought about it before but never felt like this.

How old is dc?

that sux, itsnotme.

i've been divorced. for us, it was that he never wanted children and i did.

have you been divorced?

even when the love that brought you two to marriage is gone, it's still INCREDIBLY painful, and we didn't have kids involved.

i'm not saying don't do it, just wondering how he will react.

have you thought of separation?

we were separated for 2 years before divorcing.

dd is 4
no I have never been divorced and I know it will be terribly painful but I just feel like my life is not 'happening'. My family and his live in the same town so we will be still close by I imagine.

I can understand that you feel elated at the thought of shrugging something off which drags you down. What you may find once the newness has worn off is that life isn't so fantastic on your own and it's hard bringing up a small child alone. I think you have to expect a difficult phase where you might feel overwhelmed and lonely and frustrated.

Good luck with it if you do go ahead. How do you think dh will react? Does he think the marriage is fine?

Are you sure this isn't just a dull patch in your life together? We all go through them and most couples come out the other side. I hate to see people with children divorcing because their lives just seem to have reached a boring phase. Is there not something else you could try changing first?

have you considered separation? you can apply for it as a legal status.

also, how is the rest of your life? are you putting your entire happiness on your marriage?

it's tough to know, b/c in our case of course it involved something we just couldn't work round - it wasn't fair for me to foist fatherhood on him b/c that's what i wanted, nor was it fair for him to make the decision to become a parent for me.

so it was a bit different.

its not that its boring and I do love him, but not like I should, we dont have any closeness and I feel like I am wasting my life. Even if I dont find someone else I would be happy on my own

Yeah, SSandy, we both went thru that during our separation. There were those very lost times, which were scary.

TBH, itsnot, life doesn't feel like it's 'happening' for a pretty significant majority of people.

yes it would probably be separation initially, I know once ive told him he wont ever come back to me, he has too much pride

well I think life should be happening, too many of my relatives think 'what have i done with my life' and I cant see the point in that

sounds like both of you could REALLY do w/some counselling, itsnot.

honestly, itsnot, i truly, truly cannot underestimate how incredibly painful a process this is, especially when there's no real 'trigger', if you will, for it.

even when there is, it is really, really not a good thing, especially w/kids involved. i mean, there have been many members on here divorcing b/c of abuse, cheating, addictions, etc. and it's the wringer even then.

How about making life happen step by step starting now within the relationship? Build up hobbies, friendships, interests, activities, look for some work if you're a SAHM, maybe you need more than what you have (not just in the relationship to dh). It will make the transition to life after divorce easier too.

Possibly when you do things for yourself, you feel more alive, and your marriage may seem less of a lost case too.

i have hobbies, friends and a good career, he has no interest in anything and it drives me crazy

Maybe he is depressed?

it has been suggested to me by friends but he is such a mans man he would never admit it let alone visit the dr

my ex h is a man's man, but he was at the dr getting help when i went away for a fortnight to Europe, explaining to him that i needed space to consider separation.

God INMH you could be me. Since Christmas I have felt like this as DH and I had a really bad yr last yr, he has recovered, I haven't. I wish I was as brave as you, but I will probably stay because of DD, I must put her before myself! Unlike you I don't love my DH, although I do care deeply for him (he isn't a complete arse either). Just as most of the relpies suggest, divorce is hard and especially horrible for children and I cannot deal with it. However, you HAVE do what you need to, don't be a fool like me, make your life happen.

Wouldn't it be cheaper to ask for a "personal trainer"?

Itsnotmehonest - I'm in a very similar situation. Though I don't think I love dh anymore and I def. don't fancy him any more. I feel like the only thing we have in common are the dc's and he's so impatient and short tempered with them, that's where most of our rows start.
I've also got the added complication of my ex moving 4 doors along the road from me a few weeks ago. I'm still desperately in love with him and he's admitted that he still has feelings for me and wants to get back with me, we've been txting each other and have met up for a chat a couple of times, but don't want to have an affair behind dh's back.
I'm very scared about telling dh that it's over, but know in the long run it'll be the right thing to do as I'll only end up resenting him if I stay.

My sister went through this. Her DH did have arsey tendencies but both of them were utterly miserable in their marriage. You would think he would have been relieved that he was being cut free. However, once she told him it was over, he turned into arse of the year. IME (was a family lawyer in a past pre-child life), men do not cope well with being te leavees. In a way, it's easier for them if their wives leave them for another man - that, they can understand. Their egos (and yes, I know I'm generalising, but this is on the basis of what I've worked with) cannot cope with being left because they're no longer loved/needed. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it - only you know your own situation and what you can live with - but the fall-out for DSis and DNephew (and for BIL) was absolutely horrendous. They're all through it now (though there are still bad times), but it was a shitty shitty year and a half. DSis doesn't regret leaving BIL and it had been coming for a long time, but I think you have to be utterly sure that the marriage is over before cutting yourself out of it.

Hi INMH, just wondered if you've made a decision on what you're going to do?And if you have told dh, how did he take it?