Not sure if I should help my sister yet again

[mummyof2munchkins]

MN virgin, please be gentle.

Bit of background: I have a difficult relationship with my sister. She has MH issues and has been very difficult to have a relationship with since we were children. I have often tried to get closer to her now we are both adults but I feel the more I give the more she asks for and takes. To use a MN phrase she acts very entitled. She has literally never looked after either of my children, she says they make her very tired. I have helped with her child since his conception, literally going to midwife appts, being present at his birth and taking time off work to help her to adjust to motherhood. Truthfully this did bring us closer but the more I give the more she asks for IYSWIM.

I have 2 children, 12 and 2. I've taken some time off work to help my 2 year old transition into nursery and to overcome some attachment issues. We can only afford this for a short time and I'll be back at work in March.

Today my sister called to say she has been offered some work 2 days per week starting tomorrow. She would like me to support her in this by having her son whilst she goes to work. The problem is she lives 1hr and a toll road away and her child has to be dropped off and collected from his school. I have no problems looking after her child, I love him to bits. My problem is it will take several hours out of my day and cost a fortune in petrol and toll fees. Money we just don't have whilst I'm off work. If I asked she would agree to pay me back for these expenses but the reality is I will never see a penny. We have loaned her thousands and have never had a penny back.

This will also be difficult for my dd, sitting for literally hours in the car will be stressful for both of us.

So my question is IABU, and how do I say no without causing WW3 just before xmas.

Thank you for reading this far.

If someone living an hour away is her only option for childcare then this job is not going to work out. What happens if it snows or you or your doc are poorly or if there is bad traffic?

Tell her no. Can you be supportive by offering to look up after school clubs and local childminders for her. Tell her it will not cost much more than your petrol for 4 trips per day.
If she has mh issues her social worker might be able to help find or even subsidise childcare as part of her recovery.

I would just state that she will need to find an alternative source of help because you are no longer available and as such short notice also. She will get the message eventually but you are going to have to remain consistent with your no answers to her.

Have you actually considered going low or even no contact with her?.

Your sister has basically taken advantage of your good nature throughout your life and probably thinks of you as a mug; she certainly does not respect you and your circumstances now at all. Its all about her and always has been. She may well be narcissistic in terms of personality. She has taken and taken more than enough of your time, money and effort. Time to stop enabling her to take advantage of you now.

No is also a complete sentence.

Alternatively tell a white lie that you are beginning toilet training and your dd will not be able to earn if she is doing these trips.

Tell her no. Thst's too big an ask even if the petrol and toll money was reimbursted.

Just say no you can't, sorry . She needs to find someone else to do the drop off/pick up from among fellow parents at the school , after school clubs, a cm etc. It may be that this just hasn't occurred to her and you are first port of call . What sort of job is it that she can start tomorrow , presumably with no references or forewarning

This is a totally impractical option, (4 hours a day in the car - madness) and you will be back at work in March, so really her DC would just be getting used to you doing it all when it would be time for all change. Much better all round that she looks/finds a permanent solution now. I'd go for the sorry - I've talked it though with DH, and it just isn't possible. No discussion, no need to elaborate, just not possible.

Thanks for the replies,

Its temping work on a short term contract - she's not sure how long.

I'll suggest child minders local to her but I doubt she'll be able to afford to pay. She'll probably turn the job down and I'll have destroyed her xmas and wrecked her life - again

I'll suggest child minders local to her but I doubt she'll be able to afford to pay. She'll probably turn the job down and I'll have destroyed her xmas and wrecked her life - again . why won't she be able to afford to pay. We're only talking a few hours a day if he is at school, twice a week . Does she have a p/h ?

Just say no, you can't do it. 4 hours in a car + tolls + petrol makes this an unviable option for anyone. It's madness.

But you don't even need to justify or explain yourself: no is no, and only you are entitled to decide what you are willing to do with your time.

If she decides that you are ruining her life, that's her opinion. You can't change it. But you don't need to try and change it, or to "make up" for any slight that only she perceives. Let her think what she wants and don't let it trouble you.

I think she'll see the cost of childcare and her petrol to and from the job as just about cancelling out her wage.

She has a Husband who is self employed. They are very money driven, feel that childcare should be provided by family so they don't have to sacrifice their hard earned money. They rarely make contact unless asking for something.

I've text to say I just can't do it. I just couldn't face a conversation involving tears and emotional blackmail. She'll be playing the victim for weeks now, sometimes I think she enjoys it. I think low (as little as possible) contact is the way forward sadly.

Thanks for the advice, it is very much appreciated.

Of course YANBU.
I don't think you need to justify your 'NO'
It's obvious to everyone that this is not OK and certainly not viable for you at all.

In this instance, I would explain why you have to say no!

So she won't pay for a child minder but is happy for you and DC to sit in a car for hours.

Will she pay your fuel and tolls? Or will you be paying that while she keeps all her earnings to spend on her?

"I'm sorry DS but I can't help out."

That's it. Really.

If she moans, complains etc then you know what she thinks of you: "Mug."

Sorry but she is taking the piss in even asking you and BTW you haven't ruined her Christmas she would be ruining it herself by not getting herself organised.

I actually wonder what you get out of this relationship, OP. Just because she is a blood relative does not mean you owe her anything. If she was my sister I would be going NC and watching to see how often she bothered to contact me and for what reason. If there was a pattern of only calling when she wants something I would be tempted to go NC permanently.

YANBU and whether it's the run up to Christmas or not, you won't ever fulfil all her demands unless you stop your life and live within shouting distance. That's not going to happen so start now, gently but firmly, "That doesn't work for me". (That sentence gets trotted out occasionally on this board, it's plain and unfluffy because sometimes that's the truth of it, no need to sugar coat it).

She has a Husband who is self employed. They are very money driven, feel that childcare should be provided by family so they don't have to sacrifice their hard earned money. shock They rarely make contact unless asking for something.

I take it her DH asks his family for support too? They probably do very nicely out of everyone else's helpfulness.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to NOT help them, so that they have to help themselves or find their own solutions.

Don't consider it "not helping".. consider it "encouraging her to find her own support system locally." It will help her in the long run, even though she probably won't see this.