Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In-laws and Christmas politics

10 replies

Middleoftheroad · 04/12/2013 14:03

Hi - I am a regular poster but have changed my username just incase....

For the past eight years DH's parents have alternated Christmas Day between his two sisters. They go down to visit and spend Christmas Eve and Day at one sister's house each year. DH seemed oblivious as to the blatant two way instead of three way split. Last Christmas when my MIL admitted to splitting Christmas between 'the girls' I said: 'you will have to come to us next year for a change' (I had previously offered in previous years). She smiled. In October this year I asked again and she said she wasn't sure what she was doing yet. Turns out she received an invite after this to one of the girls and is going there this year instead. I know she is closer to the girls than my DH, but when grandkids are involved it's different....

Naturally, I'm miffed. We only live up the road, too! I'm sad for my kids who won't be young forever and have never seen nanny and grandad on Christmas Day, whereas their cousins get to spend alternate years with them. I would never display such favouritism to my children and I am just dumbfounded by the parents' and sisters' complete disregard for our family in all of this. I think it is because DH has been fairly laid back in the past. But it hurts me, and I feel very bitter about it right now.

I just don't know what to do. DH rang his parents earlier and found out that they were going to the one sister. I think they all had a bit of a laugh about how 2014 will be our year (but no doubt one of the sister's will get in there again next year). After all, I did invite them for Dec 2013 in Dec 2012! But as you can tell, I'm not laughing. Apologies for such a long post. Families! x

OP posts:
gleekster · 04/12/2013 14:28

As they have such disregard for you and your family, why on earth would you want to spent Christmas Day or any other fucking day with them?

I just don't get it?

You cannot change people or how they feel. They clearly want to spend Christmas with their daughters. They don't sound like very nice people to me, so instead of sitting there fuming, why don't you celebrate the fact that you won't have to put up with them over the festive season?

Flyonthewindscreen · 04/12/2013 14:28

It is hurtful to have that kind of favouritism and I would stop bothering to invite them tbh. Surely it is a problem thoughout the year and not just at xmas though? I doubt your DC are upset about not spending xmas with their grandparents though if it has never happened before. My DF always spends xmas day with my SM and her family and my DC have never commented on it.

Original poster
Middleoftheroad · 04/12/2013 14:39

Yes, the favouritism isn't just reserved for Christmas. I invited them to my twin boys' birthday party in April. They said they couldn't go, yet happen to spend birthdays with the other grandchildren. It is hurtful and I don't know why I set myself up for it. But to them and the sisters this is the 'accepted' pattern (because they had children at least 7 years before us) and my DH was single for a while, so gatherings were always at his (older) sisters' houses. I think I keep hoping they will realise the unfairness of it all: but they don't realise this is a problem. I mean, how could you overlook not spending Christmas ever with one of your three kids? I'm not even sure DH gets it. And no, the kids won't notice: so it's just me in a huff. But if I 'accept' this as the norm it's just endorsing that it is acceptable to be treated like this, and the pattern continues with us never getting a look in. I genuinely don't think they are being malicious, but I just don't think they think.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2013 14:51

"It is hurtful and I don't know why I set myself up for it".

Its because you are a reasonable person and want to remain so. You've also come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully completely unknown to you. However, you are dealing with his family who are both emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional. You need to detach emotionally from them because they will never give you what you want from them. Time to let this go now for your sake.

Honestly if your DHs family are like this, the best thing you can do is keep away from them. Your children do not need such negative role models in their lives and for that matter neither do you. It is also NOT your fault that they are like this.

DH perhaps does not get this because he has had a lifetime of such conditioning as well to accept this as normal.

His family know your feelings on this matter and do not care.

Original poster
Middleoftheroad · 04/12/2013 15:06

Unfortunately, I do know dysfunction. My SM is controlling and abusive to my DF and rarely allows my DF to spend time with any of the family, not just kids, everybody (and the kids have never seen him on CD either)!

I guess that's why DH's family (parents still together) are important. A traditional family. But bless my DM, who sees us every week (inc Christmas Day) with her BF and I know we are lucky to have that.

I just think my DH's family have a tradition that for whatever reason we can't change. DH won't push the issue any further than today's call, and I guess it will just be me wasting all this negative energy.

Thanks - I'm just ranting, I realise xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Middleoftheroad · 04/12/2013 15:07

I mean, that's why seeing DH's family at Christmas was so important ....

OP posts:
3monkeys · 04/12/2013 15:14

My children haven't spent Christmas with my parents for 11 years because they couldn't manage me and my children, and my cousin and her family. So she chose them over me, and my sister goes with them too. I used to get really upset, now we just see them after Christmas, the kids live it as they get Christmas twice. You can't make some people see that they're not being fair

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 04/12/2013 15:28

I think you need to try to let go.

Enjoy the fact that you're always free to spend Christmas with the people who want to spend it with you, and don't have to juggle.

Remember that when your ILs do want something of you, you only have to give it if its convenient and if you want to. They don't put you first, you don't have to put them first.

And when you see the sisters, start reminding them that when the ILs are old and need looking after, it'll be them doing it, not you ...

starfishmummy · 04/12/2013 15:38

My pils always go to their other son and his family at xmas. But then we live ten minutes away and he lives several hours distant so they see much more of us and ds. They may not think that is fair.

justtoomessy · 04/12/2013 16:23

Do the sisters not invite you to theirs on Christmas Day? Sounds very odd and no wonder you are hurt.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page